Slave to Righteousness

I'm learning. Slowly but surely, I am learning. And that is a great gift :) I'm learning that life is not all about me. I'm not the leading lady. The church is the leading lady - Christ's bride. I'm getting married in 6 months to a man who has loved me and continues to love me in my most unlovable moments. Intimacy is scary because of the spots you see in yourself and the way you see those same, once-hidden spots affecting the person you love most.

I keep trying to make something of myself and present that to God instead of coming as I am and looking at who He is. I put the focus on myself. It's so easy to look at all that I'm lacking instead of looking at all that God has given me. It's a lot easier to come up with reasons why we don't deserve things rather than receiving the love of God as grace.

I've been hurt, but I've also hurt others. I think that is the hardest thing to come to terms with - that God would forgive me and entrust me with His love anyway is amazing and lavish and overwhelming. It's the kind of love that makes me blush and swoon, and I often want to run away from it because it's so brazen. Sometimes I feel that I must explain to God why I'm not worthy. 

But here's the thing - He never brings up my past. I always seem to be the one to bring it up as a way to shame Him for loving me anyway. I've heard Him patiently telling me how to live and love now. I can't imagine the pain that I cause Him by constantly reminding Him of how I've hurt Him.

God says that my sins are as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12).

He says that my sins were like scarlet but have been made as white as snow (Isaiah 1:18). 

God is sovereign, and no matter how much I protest and display my own unworthiness, He is faithful to remind me of who I am.

For some time, I called evil "good" and good "evil." It has been hard work to figure out the difference. Rebellion is a trap that seems like choice but ends up stripping the choice and leaving one a slave to unfulfilling enticements. I am grateful that because of Jesus, "I have been set free from sin and have become [a slave] to righteousness." (Romans 6:18)

Lord, please help those who don't believe that You can love them. Please show them that Your love is so much stronger than their weaknesses, sins, and failures. Thank You for being our hope and our promise, Lord Jesus. 

I took you from the ends of the earth,
    from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

Isaiah 41:9

Husband - Ish

This week I have been so overwhelmed with the connecting love and grace of the Father. In Hosea 2:16, He calls Himself our "ish" (husband). Hosea was a prophet called to marry Gomer, a prostitute, in order to show Israel that He will always be faithful and will always pursue us in spite of our idolatry and constant wandering away from His love. He never leaves us.

Over the past week, I have learned that I am not the kind of person that can sit on the floor for 3 hours at a time on my knees praying to the Lord. My number one prayer type is Agreement. I LOVE praying with other people. For years, I honestly thought that my gifts were just supposed to be for me. Not so! My gifts are for the Lord and were given to me to help encourage and build people up! What a beautiful world we live in - we are not all the same (praise Jesus). We need other people!

For me this is a time for ACTION. I am learning what my gifts are, learning how to use them, and learning how to use them in the body of Christ in fellowship with other people.

And my husband is right next to me :)

Here is what He says in Hosea:

"In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband";

you will no longer call me 'my master.'...

I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord."

Hosea 2:16, 19-20

Praise the Lord!

The Father is not a taskmaster looking down his nose at me waiting for me to make a mistake. I have had to learn this lesson over and over again. I hear God most not when I am sitting in my room by myself but when I am OUT DOING THINGS! I hear Him when I'm waitressing. I hear Him when I'm taking a walk. I hear Him when I'm hanging out with people.

 I know that the Holy Spirit is always with me, gently convicting me of things, speaking truth to my spirit, and reminding me that HE HAS BREATHED LIFE INTO ME! It brings me tears to write that because I was brought from death to life. I WAS DEAD IN MY SIN.

Colossians 2:13 says "You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins." 

Praise Jesus.

My husband does not expect me to be by myself sitting in my room only hanging out with Him all the time. And if I married someone like that, I would be incredibly bored. Certainly, time with God needs to be a priority. But He has created me to move and live and breathe and dance and sing and give y'all hugs and kisses and encourage and grow and cry and go on walks with people and LOVE.

He does not want me to be isolated. He is a jealous God, but this does not mean that He only delights in me when I am alone with Him. He has created me to glorify Him in so many different ways. 

May the glory of the Lord continue forever!

    The Lord takes pleasure in all he has made!

Psalm 104:31 

When the Holy Spirit reveals my idols, man is it painful. But there is SO MUCH HOPE knowing that my God always calls me back to Him and shows me truth. Just as Hosea did not abandon Gomer, He will not stop pursuing me. 

"'For your Maker is your husband - the LORD Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young only to be rejected,' says your God."

Isaiah 54:5-6

From Praying the Names of God - "God is the perfect husband - loving, forgiving, and faithful, providing for and protecting his people. This metaphor of monogamous marriage between God and his people is strengthened in the New Testament, which reveals Jesus as the loving, sacrificial bridegroom of the church. Our destiny, our greatest purpose as God's people, is to become his bride."

No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate.

But you will be called Hephzibah [meaning "my delight is in her"], 

and your land Beulah [meaning "married"];

Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight”
    and “The Bride of God,”

for the Lord delights in you
    and will claim you as his bride...
5 
Then God will rejoice over you
    as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.

Isaiah 62:4-5

When Things Don't Go As Planned

*Written on June 26, 2014*

I came up to Penn State as a freshman ready to start fresh and wipe my slate clean from the wreckage I had already begun to create with my drinking behavior. I started drinking my senior year of high school and made promises to myself and (in the form of a speech) to my classmates and AP English teacher that my time at Penn State would be free from the consequences of my drinking.

I found out that I can neither wipe my own slate clean nor can I make the decision to moderate my drinking. My own effort is not sufficient to arrest my addictive behavior. I have to look to God to help me when I can't help myself. He kept me alive throughout those days and again in the suicidal thoughts that came with my relapse. I would hear His voice when I was alone and away from the pull of sex and alcohol. My apologies became more like pleas for help to get me out of this life I had created for myself. Abba told me to start living for Him rather than simply apologizing all the time. I didn't know how to get out of it. I was surrounded by parties and the "if-it-feels-good" life that I had grown up seeing on TV.

My attempts at sobriety through my own efforts lasted for a few months in college. Then I would find a need to escape and get roped back into the partying lifestyle all over again. I didn't have a problem with alcohol or sex. I had a problem with reality; I wanted to escape it and run from all of the negative feelings that drove me further and further away from connecting with people and with God. I wanted to numb myself to the point where feelings wouldn't affect me. When I got sober for the first time, the hardest part about early sobriety was having to sit in my feelings for the first time instead of trying to escape them. The second time around, the hardest part was pushing out suicidal thoughts that came in like a wave with the alcohol that flowed through my body. Spiritual warfare was happening inside my mind, and I am glad that my Savior always comes through and comes out victorious in those deep moments of despair.

I didn't expect to relapse, but the notion that I can drink again comes like a wave when I am in emotional pain. I know this now, and I know that the remedy is simply to keep pushing through. I must feed myself, I must get sleep, I must pray, I must surround myself with healthy people, and I must have faith that things will get better.

My self-centered behavior meant treating people like they were a means to an end - things to use and get a high from. I am still self-centered. I am working on not being so entitled. The first step is to recognize it. My pastor said recently that "the central defect of evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge the sin." For years I wanted to push down my sins and cover them up with addictive behavior that came out of lies about myself.

The first step of the twelve steps says that "we admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." After my relapse, I began to realize that I can't have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and I can't get sober without working a program. More than anything, I want to have a good relationship with Abba. I want to live a life free of the things that block me from wanting to seek Him.

Abba gave me more than I could handle last year with a string of heartbreaking things that happened all at once and threatened to change the life I knew. I got drunk to cope, and I am slowly being brought to a place of humility one day at a time. I know now that I had to be brought to a place of hopelessness in order to see the hope set before me.

"...Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us."
Hebrews 16:18b

My greatest point of weaknesses (my addictions) are the exact places that I know God will use me to minister to others if I move forward in gratitude. I am grateful that

"[His] power is made perfect in weakness."
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

The answer is surrender to Jesus, not perfection.

The Lord Will Provide - Yahweh Yireh

God is scary to me. I think that's because I associate him with an abusive father like my own biological father. He seems angry, distant, and demanding. This is the God that I see in the Old Testament as I am reading through it. That's why I've decided to write about an aspect of God's character each week. My purpose in life is to bring God glory in whatever way I can, and I want to get to know Him apart from the preconceived notions I have about Him.

This week I learned about Yahweh Yireh - the God who provides. During the time that the Old Testament was written (by the Divine inspiration of God - 2 Timothy 3:16-17), names were very important. Throughout the Old Testament, there are different names attributed to God that help us to learn more about who He is. In Praying the Names of God, Ann Spangler brings up the point that 

"to know God's name is to enjoy a kind of privileged access to him. By revealing his name, God made himself not only accessible but vulnerable." 

God reveals Yahweh Yireh in Genesis 22:13-14. It is in these verses that God provides a ram for Abraham to sacrifice instead of his son, Isaac.

This week, I saw the truth that God will provide for me.

Since I was 16, I have had a car of my own. This means that I have been afforded certain privileges. I can go where I want to when I want to. I am afforded a certain degree of privacy and can listen to whatever music I want to. I have the luxury of independence.

After this week, I have learned a couple of things about God. He is my Provider and He is my Connector. Since I have a car, I don't often have to depend on people in this way. I value my independence and enjoy doing what I want to do.

Last week, I had to have my car towed because it's having some engine issues. This was the first time in a while that I had to acknowledge I couldn't do things on my own. I need community. I need people. I need to trust God for provision. I was forced to ask for help. And people helped! God has surrounded me with an amazing, loving, generous community of friends. It is incredibly difficult to ask for help, especially when I am so used to doing everything on my own. But I asked for help and my friend is letting me borrow her car for the week (thank you Katy). God never intended for me to do this thing alone. When I am in need, it reminds me how much I need God and how much I need other people!

I really wanted God to provide me with a new car or the money to buy a new car. But He provided something even better - He provided me with community and a reminder that I am loved! He knows exactly what I need. I don't need a million dollars. I need Him first and community second. 

Another thing that happened this week is that my mom is no longer able to come up to take care of me after I have my wisdom teeth out. This was very hard, but again this gently reminded me that God has provided fellowship, love, and support within the context of  my community of friends. It is easy to ask for help from my family (most of the time). It is not easy to ask for help from my friends. God has been lavishly showing me His love through other people. My life group has been amazing. I have a dear friend who is driving me to surgery and other friends who are taking care of me afterward . My brother is driving 7 hours to take care of me over the weekend.

I have not been able to afford new clothes for the past 4 years. God always provides me with new clothes when I need them. I love hand-me-downs! Putting clothes together is like painting and allows me to be creative with what God has given me.

The way that God provides is often through other people. May I learn to be someone who can provide for other people through what God has given me. In every situation, there is always something to be grateful for. Today, I am grateful that I can trust God's provision and that I can truly be grateful in every circumstance.

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19

Robin Williams

I haven't written a post in a while, but I needed to get some things out.

Robin Williams' death didn't really hit me until I read a friend's status that pinpointed exactly the feeling of terror that I was trying to suppress. I didn't want to acknowledge that his death (by apparent suicide) hit close to home. As a child, I enjoyed so many of his performances. Dead Poets Society is my favorite movie, and I grew up with Mrs. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Jack, Jumanji, and Hook. He was truly a talented man who seemed to give back so much to others.

He was very open about his struggle with addiction. In 2003, he relapsed after 20 years of sobriety. That is absolutely terrifying to me, because it is a reminder that this disease never gives up. People say that when you pick up again, you end up right back where you left off with drinking. I don't know if alcohol was a factor in his death. It's believed that he died by asphyxiation and there will be an autopsy done today. This is jarring to me because when I relapsed last year I had fantasies of hanging myself from a tree with my bedsheets. Suicidal thoughts controlled my mind. While I am still not entirely free from them, after a year of sobriety I feel that I have victory over these thoughts because I can hear the Holy Spirit, and I know who Jesus is when I'm sober. But I will never be free from the possibility of picking up a drink again. It is very scary to think that Robin Williams did what I wanted to do just a year ago.

I think that there's a common misconception that joy and despair cannot exist in the same person. In my short life, I have found that my despair has informed my joy. I know what life is like when I am in the pit of despair, and I really believe that my joy comes out of the reality of who I was and who I could be without Jesus. Those who have experienced deep wells of pain experience deep wells of joy that overflow into others' lives.

When I am drunk, the great despair takes over. A cloud of darkness consumes and controls my mind. The worst parts of myself run rampant through my mind. My sins come up and I isolate. This is also what happens when I do not nurture my sobriety and do the things that I know will keep me sober.

My addiction comes out in other ways - in a frenetic grasping for attention and control over things and people. For Robin Williams, I imagine it was the same. He talked about alcohol addiction in a 2006 interview with Diane Sawyer and said "“It waits,” he said. “It lays in wait for the time when you think, ‘It’s fine now, I’m OK.’ Then, the next thing you know, it’s not OK.”

I am terrified. This really hits home. It's not enough to write or talk about my struggles. It requires daily work. Often, I am too lazy to put in the effort and then end up despairing.

I am so grateful for Robin Williams' transparency about his addiction and struggles with depression. I hope that it terrifies more people than just me. It is a reminder that I am no different. I am just one drink away from complete despair. I'm hoping that we can celebrate his life, learn from his struggles, and remember the joy that he brought people.

I have a desire to disconnect from the situation - from the reality of his pain and where it brought him. It is too hard to remember what it was like in that place where suicide seemed the only way out. And in a way, that's good, because I don't want to get lost in a spiral of thoughts that lead me away from sanity. I suppose that's why I needed to write this - to make sure that I didn't sit on the fears and the thoughts. It helps to put my insanity in writing. Thanks for reading.

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A Poem About Surrender

I must have written this last year, and I just found it in my notebook. I believe that poetry is meant to be shared, so here it is:

"Holed up inside myself,
Fears of abandonment
Hurting my health.
Choking back tears
To numb the pain,
Desiring sleep
As means of escape.
I feel trapped in this,
Pleading the fifth.
I don't know how
To do this relationship.
Covering wounds
With see-through tape.
Enclosing this heart
Behind steel grates.
Can't let you in.
I want you to know what's wrong
But I can't win.
I feel my sins from the past
Creeping up close, touching my nose,
Making me feel like
I'll never know
The love of a man
'Cause of all that I've done.
I'm feeling so bad
Like the enemy's won.
And then I can see You
Holding out Your hand,
Pleading for my heart,
Waiting for my stand.
I'm letting you into
No-man's land."

Disconnection vs. Connection

I had the day off of work today, and I watched 10 episodes of Cheers.

Now, considering that I'm an alcoholic, it's not the best idea to watch a show set in a bar. But what was even unhealthier was my fueling disconnection by attempting to numb myself with television.

This year, I am striving to make more choices to foster connection rather than disconnection. So far, it has been going well. Today was a minor setback, but I'm getting back up. I get energy from other people, but I become afraid of connecting with people after a bout of disconnection that involves filling my brain with lies about who I am.

A couple of years ago, my number one way to disconnect was to sleep with someone. Sex outside of marriage gives the illusion of connection and intimacy (which is what I was looking for), but it fosters disconnection by keeping the sexual act separate from the covenant of marriage for which it was created. It reduces sex to a physical act rather than the full union it is supposed to be.

For me, I know that it is impossible to stay sober if I sleep with someone. I may be able to keep from drinking, but the very act of sleeping with someone will derail my sobriety and all of the step work that I have been doing. I am very grateful that God has protected me from making the choice to disconnect in this way in the past couple of years. It has certainly not been easy.

I am grateful that my guilt and shame have been wiped away. I no longer look at my past behavior as a black mark on my life. I made unwise decisions, because I was looking for something I didn't realize I had in Jesus.

Intimacy takes time to grow. Connection takes time to foster. It takes hard work to willingly choose something that is not going to give me instant gratification.

I no longer see myself as an object, and I'm working on not seeing men as objects. It is not impossible, because nothing is impossible with Jesus. It will take work. It will mean surrendering my conception of intimacy and embracing truth.

When I get wrapped up in watching TV and movies that tell me I need a man to make everything better, I forget that I already know the man who wiped away my sins and made my sins like snow.

"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. 
Isaiah 1:18

This year, I am determined to find out that the intimacy that Jesus offers is much better than anything I have ever experienced.

This is Not a Fairy Tale

No day is a fairy tale when you're in recovery. Guilt washes over me on some days and I look for ways of punishing myself. Usually my way to do so is to separate myself from other people or avoid looking at my sin by pointing out others' flaws in my head. It provides a good distraction but only ends up feeding my shame in the end.

I never wanted to live this long. Some days when I'm feeling more positive, I think about what a gift life is. But that doesn't happen every day. I spent my life trying to punish myself as a means to avoid pain and healing. Working through recovery and healing means that I have to stay still for long periods of time when everything in me wants to run away. My unhealthy coping mechanisms have morphed into starving myself or avoiding God or sitting on my bed not doing anything for fear that I will mess something up and do something wrong (which is inevitable). I despise my humanity and my depravity. My heart is not a pretty thing. And on days when I want to punish myself, it becomes hard to sit with myself. 

Shame has this awful way of worming its way into my head and telling me what a horrible person I am. It drives me away from the Bible and from God's presence because I'm afraid to look at myself. Time away from God (because of shame) makes me forget what it was like to look at Jesus. It seems like I will never get it right. Impulsive behavior is not conducive to healthy things like eating every day and getting adequate sleep, because that would mean forming healthy habits. It is a struggle to do things to keep myself alive, things that I am responsible for now that I am an adult. This cocoon of shame and defeat is familiar and the lies are safe compared to the newness of freedom and truth. The jail of my mind gives me the illusion of protection. 

I can give myself trite answers to my paralysis that only make me feel more alone. If I just read this verse or spend time talking to God, it will all be better. And when it's not, when it's harder than that because life is a progression, I want to give up and sink into depravity. I make the decision of how to run my own life and I fail time and time again because deep down I don't want to be here. When I was a kid, I thought life was like the movies. I wanted to be rich and famous because I thought that would turn me into a 2-D person on a TV screen that was playing a role and getting attention. I didn't want to live in reality. I still don't want to live in reality. I don't want to be responsible for myself.

It sucks when I know what the answer is. It's developing healthy habits and spending time with the Lord. It's easy for me to pinpoint what I need to do. Putting it into action is nearly impossible especially when inaction sends me into a shame spiral. If I act in a way that shows that I care about myself every day, then that means I will be without excuse. And I get a lot out of being selfish. Focusing on my problems gives me an excuse to avoid loving other people which keeps me from having to be vulnerable and intimate with people. It seems like a win-win but eventually just ends up making me feel like the only friends I have are Elliott, JD, Dr. Cox, Turk, and Carla. TV shows provide this illusion that I have the capability to be in relationships and understand people. Reality is that they are 2-dimensional characters who are playing a part. It is a one-sided relationship in which I get to avoid my problems for 2 hours at a time and get sucked into the lives of people who don't even exist. And I just end up feeling sorry for myself in the end, like I did after a drunken night or violent acting out as a kid.

It is a constant battle in my mind to simultaneously avoid doing things that will destroy me while trying to do things that will build me up and encourage my spirit.

And this is my reminder to hope even when I don't feel like doing anything. David ministered to his spirit and sometimes I need to do the same thing.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:5

I Forgot About Grace

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you."
1 Peter 5:10

Until very recently, I didn't want to be responsible for my life. I wanted to be catered to and treated like the queen I thought I was. I was entitled and looked at what was lacking and how much better I deserved. I thought it was everyone's job to make me feel comfortable. Gratitude wasn't even a blip on my radar growing up. Even though I was taught to say thank you to people as a kid, it didn't sink in when people sacrificed for me that they were giving something up. Everything was about me. And I believed that I deserved all the things people gave me and more. It is taking a DAILY awareness of this to help me realize how much I need God.

I want to believe so badly that I can earn grace, so that I can learn to be perfect and not have to acknowledge my sin. But I can't. That's the point of grace.

The truth is that none of us deserve grace.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."
Ephesians 2:8-9

This is a hard concept for me to grasp on days when I think I'm awesome. I am slowly learning that everything good in me comes from God. 

I have walked around with a chip on my shoulder my whole life and thought that I must be special because God spared me and kept me alive after I tried to destroy myself for years. So I felt special. I was forgetting the part that He didn't have to. He chose to because He loves me and He chose to extend grace because that is His character.

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus."
1 Timothy 1:14

When I get a glimpse of my sin, it makes sense why Jesus had to die - my sin alone would have been too much to bear. Anyone would have been crushed under its weight. When I get a glimpse into my sin and remember my depravity, I am so glad that's not the end of the story. I deserved death and hell and got a new chance instead - grace and forgiveness.

"For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!"
Romans 5:17

Life is becoming SO much more precious now that I'm beginning to see it as a GIFT rather than something I deserve. I am learning that entitlement and gratitude cannot co-exist. And I am just beginning to learn the necessity of DAILY repentance.

Today, I live in His grace. That is a promise that will never ever become untrue. Christ has forgiven me forever, and there is nothing that can take that truth away.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace."
Ephesians 1:7

"But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet."
1 Thessalonians 5:8

My Savior Knight in Shining Armor - Strongholds and Lies

When I was a little girl, and I felt unsafe, I would imagine that a knight in shining armor - a man who loved me and could heal my heart - would be the answer to all my problems. This was my addiction, thinking about my perfect man to right all of my wrongs and make everything right in the world. Whenever I felt upset, I would imagine this movie star life with him - a life where I wouldn't have to worry about money or any other person but my knight. I would be catered to and worshiped, and I would be protected because he was with me and had rescued me. He wasn't actually a person to me. He was an amalgamation of all the handsome men I latched onto in my fantasy world. His appearance wasn't what mattered as much as his heart. He always knew how to respond to me and would drop anything to be with me and save me. Thinking of this knight and this famous life was the number one way that I escaped the pain of the moment. It was my ticket out of whatever hell I was experiencing. It was my way to cope and protect myself. I would be famous and impenetrable - incapable of being hurt again. 

How do lies take shape in our minds? How are strongholds built up? A stronghold is any argument or pretension that "sets itself up against the knowledge of God." (2 Corinthians 10:5 and Beth Moore's Praying God's Word).

 "A stronghold is anything that exalts itself in our minds, 'pretending' to be bigger or more powerful than our God. It steals much of our focus and calls us to feel overpowered....it is something that consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that abundant life is strangled - our callings remain largely unfulfilled and our believing lives are virtually ineffective. Needless to say, these are the enemy's precise goals." 
- Praying God's Word by Beth Moore

Unfortunately, I don't recognize the lies of idolatry until after I have a hysterical episode. Tears can be very healing and very telling. When I can't stop crying and cannot get my mind off of something, I know that my tears are about more than grief. Idols are not easy to kill. Especially ones that have been there since childhood. My mind is weak when I haven't spent time with the Lord, and that is the prime time for these lies to start to re-surface and the enemy to start moving in my mind.

The trouble with strongholds is that they look so much like truth that without daily time spent immersed in the Word (Truth) and in the Lord's presence, they grow from seedlings to oak trees in a small amount of time and can wreak havoc in every area of your life.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
1 Peter 5:8

On the night that I relapsed after 2 and a half years of sobriety back in July, I was listening to the enemy more than I was listening to God. His voice was so slick and suave and it sounded more true to me than the reality of who I am in Christ. He was a serpent whispering in my ear, and I followed his voice right into the bottle.

He used an old fear of mine that was triggered by the end of a relationship - fear of being alone and unwanted, rejected and abandoned. I overheard a male coworker telling another guy that he didn't like girls with tattoos. 

And that was the trigger. I believed that my knight-in-shining armor was lost forever. 

I felt unwanted by Christian men and unwanted by men of the world. I felt hopeless and like the lie of being alone was coming true. And that started off a spewing of lies in my head that were sadly so much more true to me than God's Truth because I hadn't been immersing myself in the Word. Alcohol became the only thing that I could find "hope" in. After that, anything that hurt me that night at work became an excuse for me to take one step towards a drink. A customer irritated me - that was fine because I was going to get drunk. Somebody said something to hurt my feelings - the bottle would fix that.

When an old idol comes back to haunt you, it is hard to get it out of your head if you haven't been actively doing battle by soaking in the Truth of who Jesus is and who you are as a result. The enemy has had me targeted since I was 4 years old. He has tried everything to push me down and keep me from seeing myself through God's eyes. And he is not going to win.

Without Jesus, I get caught up in believing that I can do things on my own. I tell myself that I've got it, and then a week goes by, and I'm feeling drawn towards my old knight-in-shining-armor idea. My escape mechanisms become harder to pinpoint and recognize until the hysteria exposes itself for what it really is - a big fat lie gone out of control. 

The truth is that Jesus is my knight-in-shining-armor. I'd like to say that my mind has completely grasped that concept, but I am only just starting to see this as a lie. He has a lot of work to do in me yet. I have been jumping off the altar and off the "operating table," as a friend likes to say. 

What does it mean to jump off the operating table? It means convincing myself I can do this on my own. It means finding other things to do rather than talk to God. It means believing lies because that's easier and I'm used to them. It means pretending like nothing's wrong. It means HIDING, something that I used to do ALL the time. It means putting my sobriety before Christ.


Here are some more gems of truth from Praying God's Word.

"As long as our minds rehearse the strength of our stronghold more than the strength of our God, we will be impotent. As we pray the Word of God acknowledging His limitless strength and transcendent dominion, Truth will begin to eclipse the lies. We will realize that in our weakness He is strong and that as we bend the knee to His lordship God is more than able to deliver us." 

“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
    and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,    nor will there be one after me.
11 I, even I, am the Lord,
    and apart from me there is no savior.
12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
    I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.
(Isaiah 43:10-12)

Working through strongholds is a process. I wish that in one day I could pray this stuff out of my head but it requires healing over time. I need the help of the prayer team (ask me if you don't know what that is), DAILY time with God, therapy,  church community, prayer, eating, getting enough sleep, and choosing to live out of truth even if it doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping that next time around I spot this lie seed rooted in my mind before it becomes an oak tree.

Real Intimacy

I sat next to a woman on the plane ride from St. Louis to Washington, DC. Barb lost her husband four years ago. She was in her mid-fifties and had a joyous glow about her. I knew that she was a believer even before she pulled out "Jesus Calling" and we had a discussion about it. My Abba put her next to me to encourage me. She had lost her husband unexpectedly and still got up every day to make time for her Abba - at 530 every morning she got up and spent time with Him.

Something broke in me this weekend. I had the opportunity to sin in ways that bound me before. And I chose the healthier path. I chose not to give into temptation, and I chose not to sin. The only way I could have learned that I am not the person I used to be, that I am indeed a new creation, is by the Lord putting me in a situation where I would be forced to make a decision between my flesh and my spirit. I have values and an identity in Christ that keeps me out of the behaviors I engaged in through college.
Up until then, I didn't trust myself. I haven't engaged in some behaviors in almost 2 years, and still I thought I was that person even though that was never who I was! I was behaving out of LIES.

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Galatians 5:24

When I surrendered to Jesus, I was immediately cloaked in righteousness.

I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
Isaiah 61:10

 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
Galatians 3:26 - 27

The Lord is softening my heart in ways I haven't let Him before. I consciously have blocked out His voice at times for fear that He would reject or hurt me. When you have experienced trauma, it is hard to believe that the Lord knocks and asks to be invited in, because there are people who have not been so kind and have forced their way over boundaries. The Lord is not a person, and He respects our boundaries.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:20

We choose to open the door. The Lord never forces His way in. He is a perfect gentleman, and He desires for all of us to be whole and healed. In time, I am learning that He is my rock and support. The Lord has given me the courage and ability to set boundaries to protect myself and others. He is safe and provides a peaceful refuge for our spirit.

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Romans 8:6

Once I realized that I was too exhausted to fight Him any longer about who I am in Christ and how He looks at me, I experienced a freedom. I CAN choose how to behave. I CAN have values and standards. I CAN keep promises to myself. With Jesus, we are no longer slaves to sin. Over and over again I was waking up every day and putting on the same filthy rags, believing the same useless lies about myself, and feeling stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing and breaking promises to myself. Over and over again I tried to prove God wrong. Over and over again I rejected His gift, because I wanted to feel whole. I didn't realize that being whole means having Him! I already am whole because of Him! I need His word to remind me of truth, I need His presence to give me assignments and remind me that He's real even if I can't see Him, I need His voice to guide me and UN-shame me, working me through the process of sanctification. I need to stay in communication with Him so I don't think I can do it on my own, and I need to thank Him so I can remember that HE is much better and more satisfying than the cheap intimacy I discovered in college.

NOTHING can replace intimacy with the Lord. It is what we were created for, and what we ultimately desire. I used to think that this intimacy had to look a certain way - I had to spend 3 hours a night with God and be completely silent. Those times have their place, but I don't believe that's how He created me. I hear Him at work and when I'm on walks, when I'm riding my bike, and sometimes when I'm in the midst of conversation (if I'm really listening hard). I am fortunate to have grown up in the church, because I am reminded of verses that I memorized as a kid. He is not looking for a formulaic way for me to pray to Him. He is not looking for "thees" and "thous" and "Our Father"s. He wants us to turn to Him when we're sad, rejoice with Him when we're happy, and really listen for His voice. I am so glad that my circumstances broke me to the point where I could see the blazing neon arrow pointing me towards Christ, the only One who will truly satisfy my soul.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Matthew 28:20

Alcoholism and New Life

I have been sober for 24 days today!

 I hadn't had a drink in two and a half years before I relapsed the first time, but I had not been living sober in that period of sobriety. I was living as a dry drunk.  I wasn't consistently going to meetings and wasn't completely dedicated to the program. This basically means that I had the thinking patterns of an active alcoholic while not drinking. It's a bus that I don't want to go on again. I was incredibly arrogant because of my belief that I had pulled myself up by my bootstraps to get myself sober. I would say with my mouth how great God was for lifting me out of the pit, meanwhile believing that I was so awesome for doing so myself. I wasn't working on sobriety consistently. I was my own best PR representative - encouraging people to tell me how honest and strong I was while wavering between arrogance and fear that I didn't quite measure up under the surface. A friend told me recently that it's pretty boring to paint with two colors: fear and pride. I love color, and I tend to slip into this black-and-white perspective place. Working on it.

I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease. And though relapsing took some things from me, it was completely necessary to relapse in order to prove to myself that I am, in fact, an alcoholic.
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."
Psalm 119:71
The scary thing about my recent relapse is that both times, I got drunk alone and provided a red carpet entry for the enemy to feed me lies and attack my mind. That is what alcohol does to me. When I was in active drinking and addiction in college, I was mostly surrounded by other people who were also getting drunk save for one time near the end when I got drunk alone. For the first time, I am doing many more healthy things than unhealthy things in my life only by the grace of God. Many people relapse and don't come back. I am very very fortunate to be surrounded by friends who recognize lies when they come spewing out of my mouth.

My alcoholism is not a behavioral problem, it is a thinking problem. I am being "transformed by the renewing of [my] mind in Christ Jesus." (Romans 12:2) It's hard to see when I'm in the middle of it, but I know that I'm healthier even after a month and handling things much differently than before.

For a while, I was unsure of whether it was okay to be in a program that isn't overtly Christian but "spiritual." They help me and they are really increasing my awareness of God and even how He moves in the lives of those who are unaware and don't believe in Him. It is really beautiful to see. I am so grateful for others who are open with their struggles. Here are the promises I can hope for if I stick to my program:

"1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.

2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God." (Romans 8:20-21)

3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
2 Corinthians 7:10

4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. *This is a hard one for me now*
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
Isaiah 26:3

5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Isaiah 43:18-19

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. "

I'm working for them, and now I know that I can't do it alone! I haven't yet started working through the steps, but soon I will :)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
(Hebrews 12:1-2)

For more information about what a "dry drunk" is, go here.

Also, this book is changing my life:



*I am not a saint but a "trusted servant." I am a struggler and a fighter. And I need to remember that it is God working in and through me - it has nothing to do with  me but with the gift of new life that He has chosen to give me!

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:13 - 14

Empathy

My number one strength is Empathy according to the Strengths Finder test I took in 2012. As a counselor for people in some pretty tough situations, I have to remain present with clients in the moment and process later. Most times it's not the situation that I have to process later but the feelings and personal fears that came up as I was listening. There are a myriad of emotions that I experience in a day. Sometimes I struggle to see this as a strength.  I am aware of how people are feeling constantly. With time, I am learning how not to make myself responsible for people's feelings. When they become overwhelming, I turn to my own for comfort and can sometimes get lost in my own feelings in an attempt to disconnect from others' pain.

When someone who is close to me is in pain, I have to experience their pain in pieces. I have a sensitive spirit and have to remind myself to be careful about how I enlist my  feelings. If I know something big is coming up emotion-wise, I almost need to ration them to keep from going crazy.

I do see it as a gift sometimes. Recently The Lord has put people on my heart to experience emotion for and pray for. It is really a beautiful thing because I feel like I am connecting with the heart of God in those times. And He sees all of my tears. It is something I can't explain but sometimes I am overwhelmed with an emotion that is not my own. Those times are sweet because it seems like I am crying God's tears for people. And I feel like I have a job to do for people who can't talk about what they're going through and can't express their emotions.

Because I am so sensitive to how other people are feeling, I get bogged down. When I am not spending time with The Lord asking Him to breathe on my gift, I can get in a place where I have to make sure everyone around me feels good so that I can feel good. I manipulate with my words so friends don't rock my already unsteady feelings boat with their own feelings. When I am overwhelmed or stressed, I get so lost in my own feelings that it becomes overwhelming. It helps to surround myself with people who speak positive truth. Otherwise it feels like I am rowing in the dark alone in a cave with bats and snakes.

 One of my gifts is also "Restorative," and so I gravitate towards what can be fixed or restored in myself and other people. Since another strength is "Positivity," I see negativity as the thing that needs to be fixed oftentimes. So I mull over my negativity in the cave until I get up and do something else or surround myself with other people to get out of it.

And I need to be around other people to get out of it! It is really cool to me that we all have different strengths and gifts and experience them differently. I believe that anyone's gifts/strengths can be used for selfish gain or to help people. More and more I am trying to use my gifts to help people, and it seems like an even longer process than my recovery!

Pain

When you love someone

And they're far away,

And the broken words

That you used to say

Hurt so much

That you cannot speak,

Tears will do

When you're feeling weak.

When the days that pass

Seem longer still

'Til you heal from this

And your spirit's filled,

You will want to hide

And shout and swear

'Cause the pain is deep

And too much to bear.

So you must press on

To the prize ahead,

Pick up your feet,

'Cause you are not dead.

Look to Jesus.

He will provide

The strength you need

To last the night.