*Written on June 26, 2014*
I came up to Penn State as a freshman ready to start fresh and wipe my slate clean from the wreckage I had already begun to create with my drinking behavior. I started drinking my senior year of high school and made promises to myself and (in the form of a speech) to my classmates and AP English teacher that my time at Penn State would be free from the consequences of my drinking.
I found out that I can neither wipe my own slate clean nor can I make the decision to moderate my drinking. My own effort is not sufficient to arrest my addictive behavior. I have to look to God to help me when I can't help myself. He kept me alive throughout those days and again in the suicidal thoughts that came with my relapse. I would hear His voice when I was alone and away from the pull of sex and alcohol. My apologies became more like pleas for help to get me out of this life I had created for myself. Abba told me to start living for Him rather than simply apologizing all the time. I didn't know how to get out of it. I was surrounded by parties and the "if-it-feels-good" life that I had grown up seeing on TV.
My attempts at sobriety through my own efforts lasted for a few months in college. Then I would find a need to escape and get roped back into the partying lifestyle all over again. I didn't have a problem with alcohol or sex. I had a problem with reality; I wanted to escape it and run from all of the negative feelings that drove me further and further away from connecting with people and with God. I wanted to numb myself to the point where feelings wouldn't affect me. When I got sober for the first time, the hardest part about early sobriety was having to sit in my feelings for the first time instead of trying to escape them. The second time around, the hardest part was pushing out suicidal thoughts that came in like a wave with the alcohol that flowed through my body. Spiritual warfare was happening inside my mind, and I am glad that my Savior always comes through and comes out victorious in those deep moments of despair.
I didn't expect to relapse, but the notion that I can drink again comes like a wave when I am in emotional pain. I know this now, and I know that the remedy is simply to keep pushing through. I must feed myself, I must get sleep, I must pray, I must surround myself with healthy people, and I must have faith that things will get better.
My self-centered behavior meant treating people like they were a means to an end - things to use and get a high from. I am still self-centered. I am working on not being so entitled. The first step is to recognize it. My pastor said recently that "the central defect of evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge the sin." For years I wanted to push down my sins and cover them up with addictive behavior that came out of lies about myself.
The first step of the twelve steps says that "we admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." After my relapse, I began to realize that I can't have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and I can't get sober without working a program. More than anything, I want to have a good relationship with Abba. I want to live a life free of the things that block me from wanting to seek Him.
Abba gave me more than I could handle last year with a string of heartbreaking things that happened all at once and threatened to change the life I knew. I got drunk to cope, and I am slowly being brought to a place of humility one day at a time. I know now that I had to be brought to a place of hopelessness in order to see the hope set before me.
"...Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us."
Hebrews 16:18b
My greatest point of weaknesses (my addictions) are the exact places that I know God will use me to minister to others if I move forward in gratitude. I am grateful that
"[His] power is made perfect in weakness."
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
The answer is surrender to Jesus, not perfection.
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