Oppression

I'm in a much better mood than when I last wrote, though I am a bit concerned about finding a sublet for my apartment. My lovely roommate has 3 people staying with her this weekend, thereby preventing me from showing potential subleasers a clean apartment. Oh well.

I just discovered a recap of Daniel Tosh's January episode where he had a guest appearance by Antonio Dodson, aka the brother of a girl who was the victim of a break-in and was almost raped. The whole episode was dedicated to making fun of rape, it seemed. I am thoroughly disgusted with our media and our society. I want to escape, and I want to stand up for victims even more. Sometimes it seems like a losing battle when people in power and in the spotlight are sending messages that rape is okay. It's not okay. It will never be okay. It's existed basically since the beginning of time and is probably not going to go away, but I envision a world that recognizes that women need to be respected in the media. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around this concept, because I haven't seen much that would make me feel hopeful for the future of media. It's going downhill. And why? Because people with money, people in power have the privilege of saying and doing anything they want to do.

This show was aired in January. It should have been taken off of the air after this episode. I think the saddest part about living in a society that is based on and attached to oppression of those who are less privileged is that I have come to expect it. I'm not surprised they didn't take the show off of the air. And this makes me very sad. Oppression works very slowly - the enemy is sneaky. It slips into humor and then becomes acceptable to joke about it. Then it becomes acceptable to perpetrate. Oppression is never justified. That the jokes are acceptable is the problem. That people laugh at the expense of others is a problem. I feel lucky to be surrounded by friends who don't think that's funny, but staying in a bubble is not going to address the problem. I need to find a way to act instead of escaping from reality, as is my tendency.

Drinking and Sex

My two favorite vices - how did I get so lucky?

I am painfully wanting a drink. It's 12:00 AM on a weekday night and I want a drink.

I slept with someone in AA. It wasn't worth it. I know why people warn against it. It made me feel like shit, and now I want a drink to make it better.

I feel out of control, like my life is completely turning upside down and I have just been along for the ride. I'm not sure how "normal" people deal with this kind of thing, but me - I sleep with someone or drink it away. I loathe myself after doing both of those things, but man what I wouldn't give for a six-pack. They say in AA that the first drink could kill you. I wouldn't doubt it. The way that I want to drink would probably do the trick. Sometimes I want to die. Lately I have felt so powerless to dictate my own life that I just haven't really cared either way.

Jared and I had a breakthrough in my healing from the abuse in my past last night. He's the only guy I trust. He's the only person who I let get that far into my psyche. I feel out of control.

I keep trying to change my circumstances so I won't feel so crazy. The reality is that I have almost no control in my life and that 1. Scares the shit out of me and 2. Makes me kind of angry.

I don't know how to cope in a healthy way. Next on my list is probably starving myself. I've done that before. Not for long. Just long enough for me to forget a little bit about what's going on. I am tense. I don't know how to get out of this rut. I need to paint. If anyone was wondering, painting is perhaps one of the most relaxing ways to get out stress. I don't exactly know what caused me to hit this breaking point. Oh yea - I remember. I slept with someone. And I feel empty. And I feel used. And I never want to do it again. Ever. How am I ever going to have normal intimacy with my husband?

Healthy coping mechanisms:
Pray that God would wrestle my addictions for me every day.
Running
Painting
Blogging
Writing
Crying
Singing

What do I do when I just don't have the strength to fight anymore? When the face I show to the world is beginning to have huge gaping holes in it? I can cover them up for only so long before everyone will start to notice. I am falling apart, at least right now. But just for this second. Already I am starting to feel better, and tomorrow is a new day.

23

When I was 18, my ideal age was 23. I figured then I would be out of college without a care in the world. I was listening to Relient K today, and it got to the 23rd song on the Birds and Bee Sides album. I realized that 23 is not what I thought it would be. I get wrapped up in my own shit a lot of the time. My brain goes around in circles. Chad described it very well the other day when he said that he thinks so much and his brain goes on 10 different roads at the same time. I have been picking the negative, lacking road for the past few days. A lot has come up from my past, seemingly to bite me in the ass and remind me of what a terrible person I am. But in reality, I am a new creation. No matter how I feel, I am Jesus' child. And nothing can harm me when I am in His arms, not even my past. And especially not my past! It doesn't exist anymore.

I'm listening to Jimmy Eat World right now - first 23, now Futures. I forgot how good they are. It makes me kind of sad, because "Futures" (the CD) reminds me of freshman year. That was such a different time. There was so much that was new, so much hurt that I had never experienced before. I found solace in music and hanging out at the HUB and football games and movies with friends. What a great time that was. As much as I hated myself when I was immersed in addiction, there were some really good times when I was sober. That crew from freshman year was amazing. We had so many people all in one group that all loved each other. I'd never experienced anything like it. And now, here I am in another amazing community (ThirdPlace!). I am trying not to dwell on my past - I am not that person anymore as much as I'd like to prove myself wrong. I messed up this past weekend and hooked up with someone (no sex) and was surprised at how much I hated myself afterward.

Night Drive - good song. I listened to this song while I was getting ready to go out. I remember the view from my dorm and working on English papers and just being young. I just realized that I agree with the first step in AA - I admit that I am powerless over alcohol. Something in me clicked while listening to this song and thinking about freshman year. I was alcohol's slave. I did whatever it told me to do. I could not control my reaction to it or how much I drank or any of that. This is no excuse. I could have caught this before, and I did. I didn't get serious about quitting until my therapist pointed it out to me. Then I realized that it's not okay that I was using it as a coping mechanism.

I miss Dan. It has been really hard to let go of him, not only because I was basically in love with him. He was there for 4 years of memories for me. I met him freshman year, when I was relatively innocent and naive. But Grace is right - I am constantly thinking about the good things in our relationship. I can't think about the bad, because it never was that bad. Unrequited love is extremely painful. I want the best for him and wish him well. Of course today, when I felt out of control with my living situation and the fact that my past was coming back to haunt me, I wanted to call him. I just want to know that he's there. I've done this to him before. I stopped talking to him for something like 3 months last year. It's not that I was giving up on the relationship. It's just that I couldn't do it anymore. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same is draining. And I always felt like I was manipulating him into loving me. Friendship wasn't enough for me. Maybe I'm in a different place now. He hasn't reached out to contact me, and I have no idea how he feels. I want to know how he's doing and how school went, how his trip up here was. He was always Dan, my favorite, my good friend, the person I wanted most in the whole world. I hope he understands. I hope he knows that I just couldn't do it anymore. It was too painful. I really want to tell myself that I'm ready to be friends with him again, but I don't know that I am. Hearing people talk about New Jersey opens up a wound. His high school was in a movie I watched on the plane back from Rwanda ("Win Win"). I need to write about Rwanda, by the way. My brain gets stuck on the Dan road, and that's all I can see for about an hour.

Rwanda was incredible. I wouldn't even know where to begin. It might be a good idea to copy down my journal in this blog. It is a little too painful to evaluate it at this point. I was talking to Amy tonight about it - the hardest part of coming back is getting used to the same routine. It sometimes feels like just a dream. I haven't fully processed it yet. I was in Africa! I need to spend some time processing it.

Maybe I shouldn't be listening to Jimmy Eat World. It brings back SO many memories. Feeling what I felt back then is weird, because I was a different person. I kept some perfume from back then and it just feels like such a different place. Mark said that Dan's okay, so at least now I know.