Drab

Today is a drab day. I convince myself that everything is fine when I'm off work and then go to another staff meeting and tell myself that I love interacting with as many people as possible. I am just now realizing that being fully emotionally present in counseling sessions really takes a toll on me. I need to have space and time to process afterwards and heal a bit of the parts that were stabbed with glass when I had my heart open during sessions. It's really hard to be the rock sometimes and I need to rely on God more, because I know that only He can fill me up and satisfy. But I don't take time for Him. I am so tired that I want to go to bed right now.
I'm afraid that I'm manipulating Dan because I have ulterior motives for hanging out with him. I feel like I'm deceiving him and that doesn't feel very good. I don't want to be subtly trying to control his actions meanwhile ignoring the fact that most times I want to talk to him so that he will grow to love me, so that he can be there for me. It's not fair for me to only want to talk to him on my terms. We're not even dating, but I am overanalyzing our relationship because I don't want to make him feel bad and I really care about him and want to make him aware that I may be manipulating him into having feelings for me. I think at first that's why I was talking to him - the first 2 years that I knew him. And now I feel better about that, because I think I do genuinely care for him now. That really really hurts. I try so hard not to. I thought that when he came down I was "cured" of him. But I just sometimes get so overwhelmed with how I feel about him that I can't think of anything else. And I get frustrated that he doesn't really want to talk about it. I know I'm overanalyzing it, but that's what I do. We're not dating but I wouldn't call us friends. I care so much about him but I sometimes want to cut off all contact with him because it gets to be too painful. Either way there would be pain though because he's far away. I wish he were here. I wish I was there. Well no I don't. I just get overwhelmed with these feelings sometimes, but they will subside. It's not at all about the sex - it's really about having feelings that I can't do anything with. They are just sitting inside of me getting stronger. I can't express them to him because he gets freaked out. I write songs about them sometimes but most end up sounding really creepy and I don't mean them to. I just hate feeling stuck in my feelings like this and feeling powerless to get over him. He represents more than just himself to me. I really think that he is like a father figure. He does this annoying thing where he waits to text me on purpose just because he knows I'm waiting for it. It really hurts more that he doesn't seem to understand why it's so painful for me sometimes. He points out that us not being in the same place is "reality" but that doesn't mean that it's any less painful. This feeling that there's nothing I can do about my feelings or the fact that he's not here is overwhelming at times.

Long Bike Rides

Man oh man. I feel like there's so much of life to experience, and I am lying in bed. I had the overnight last night and didn't get much sleep because I watched the Green Mile before bed. But I had another very symbolic dream. I've been having them a lot lately. I rode 25 miles on my bike yesterday - longer than I've ever ridden and it took 3 hours. I think I'm going to eat some breakfast, do some stuff around the house, and go out again! Spring officially starts tomorrow :)

Boundaries

So I realize I've been a bit depressed for a while, and I think I figured out part of the reason is because I haven't had great boundaries with people who really don't deserve to have access to me. I am working at my first job and realized that there are some people who can poison others against basically an entire office. That's all I'm going to say on that subject, but I've learned that I'm easily manipulated. After someone survives a trauma, one of two things usually happens: they either develop rigid boundaries or let people walk all over them. Before I started drinking I had rigid boundaries and didn't trust anyone or let anyone in. But drinking opened a whole new world for me that unfortunately involved people constantly traipsing over my boundaries. The book I'm reading about boundaries mentions that some people have trouble with both. They let the wrong people in and keep the right people out. I think that God is teaching me a lot about this, and I truly am learning that "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord." I really believe that He has protected me from a lot of things, but something hard is when I feel vulnerable.
Last night one of my DUI students gave me his number, which may seem harmless, but it made me feel violated. Especially considering the work that I do, I was thinking the worst about what the outcome would be. I was afraid that he would be standing by my car after class ended and that I would be kidnapped, raped, and left for dead. Obviously I'm still here. It's scary to think that a person is really never safe, but I am trying to build up my boundaries and be careful not to run over others' boundaries in order to at least keep myself emotionally safe. Abusers can pick out victims in a crowd of people, and I am afraid that I will always have this "victim" tag attached to me. But I know that God has other plans and has put some absolutely phenomenal people in my life. I know from my good friendships that it is possible to have a healthy give-and-take in a relationship. Life is truly a learning process, and I feel like I am only at the beginning.