Meditation

I think I have a cavity. I know that has nothing to do with meditation, but I am in a lot of pain. I need to schedule an appointment.
Anyway, I went to three AA meetings today! I talked to an amazing woman named Kris who validated me and made me feel like I'm not crazy or alone. I'm starting to accept that I'm an alcoholic - slowly but surely. And being in AA is making me less judgmental. It's pretty cool. I'm teaching the DUI class this week and I'm so excited!!! I'm going to apply for YOP in the summer - what great programs we have at CHC!

Dan

I forgot to mention that Dan texted me tonight. He has the last week off in February, and he wants to come up. He only ever comes up for a couple of days, and I'm left dissatisfied when he leaves. I wish he lived here, but then I don't know if I could handle that if we dated and then broke up and moved on. I feel pretty certain that we would be dating if he lived here, but we might get sick of each other. And I don't know if he could handle my sobriety. I just don't know what it is about him that always draws me in. He's very attractive, good in bed, and has soft hands. And I genuinely like being around him, though the sexual tension in the room is often so thick that I can't bear it and pretty much immediately want to have sex. Not healthy, eh? It was the same thing with Alex. When we was here, I would get antsy sometimes because we usually just spent the whole time in with each other making love. Man when I think about how he didn't support me when I tried to quit drinking I don't miss him. Sometimes I miss being in a relationship but most of the time I'm happy just being me :) I really like being able to do what I want. And I actually am taking the time to do what I want. I realized the other day that I have so many interests that I can't possibly just stick with one thing. And that's okay. Better to be overloaded when I'm younger than super stressed when I'm older. I have a feeling that I'm gonna be one of those PTA moms who tries to go to every little thing that my kids have going on. That's how mom was :)

Singing Group

Well I just had an interesting experience. A couple of women from my group and I are starting a singing group. I had expressed interest in starting a survivor support group, but then quickly realized that this wasn't a good idea because of the confidentiality aspect of it. A singing group is a much better idea! Singing rejuvenates me and makes me feel alive. We sang some gospel songs, songs having to do with struggles, and some old songs. It's funny because I am over 30 years younger than both of the women who were there tonight. They are both older than my mom! But I miss my mom, and there's something comforting about being around women who have already lived over half of their lives :) Gives me something to look forward to. We sang "When I'm 64" and they realized they were almost that age. Ah! I am not even halfway there. Oh how much life there is to live! I want to move off to California and travel through Europe. Isn't that what people are supposed to do when they're young? I feel like I'm missing out - maybe I'll wait to get married for a while. But then when am I ever going to have money? I keep counting on getting a large sum of money, allowing me to move to France and live for the rest of my life. I think I would really prefer to live in a foreign country that is consistently warm. Not Africa (they have really big bugs), but maybe Ecuador? I am teaching myself Spanish. First California, then Ecuador. We'll see... What if I never got married? I am not even thinking that I'm close to being married right now. I want kids though. I think I'm gonna be a good mom. I just need to get all the young part out of me first.

Missed Opportunities

Sometimes I just plain don't like to think about the past. I'm very open about it, and will tell you my life story and mistakes in a heartbeat, but it hurts to think about it sometimes. I ruined a lot of friendships and potential friendships with my drinking. And it's really painful to think about that. It allowed me to put on a face for other people that just wasn't who I really was. I settled for situations I thought I deserved to be in and jumped at the chance to do whatever other people wanted me to do. I knew a shit ton of people in college - everywhere I walked there was someone I knew and I'm lucky to have come away with even a few good friends. Forming relationships is still really hard for me. I am a survivor, but I can't relate to other survivors in some ways because I was gang raped by 5 PEERS. I was not molested by an older adult, but by my peers. Those boys were my first friends, and I think that what they did to me and how I felt about it really set the standard for my later friendships. I came to think that friends were really just people I could use to get what I wanted - affection, etc. It's only now that I've been sober for a little while that I realized this is not true. People are amazing. I think I was really fascinated with all sorts of people when I came to Penn State, and then I drank and forgot about my feelings. I was only focused on the high that drinking and sex gave me. That's really hard to admit, but I was completely selfish and dependent on what other people thought of me. And where before it was hard for me coming up here because I didn't know everyone, now it's hard because I know so many people and they all saw me when I was in the belly of the whale, so to speak. I was a drunk. I was promiscuous. I was selfish. I was all of those things. But I'm not those things anymore. I constantly have to remind myself of that. I think that I have a pretty cool story - one that

One Day at a Time

I joined a gym yesterday. Exercising will teach me how to be more disciplined. Going to AA will teach me how to not be so miserable. I went to a meeting in Bellefonte tonight because it was the only one near here after I went to the gym. And I'm glad I went. Every time I go into a meeting I think "This will be the meeting when I realize I am not an alcoholic and can go back to having fun!" Then someone always says something I connect with, and I realize once again that this is something I can't change. I like this blog. I actually feel like I can be honest. People know about my other blogs. They're just disguises. Nobody knows about this one.

I screwed up at work again. I made the same mistake for about the fourth time. I flew by the seat of my pants, focused on one thing but not the other. I find myself almost constantly unable to multi-task. I get so caught up in the moment that I forget a huge part of the picture. I think almost exclusively in the present, and often don't think about my actions.

No Isolation Zone

God saved me from myself tonight. I was tempted to just sit in my room until bedtime and ruminate. I think murderous thoughts when I'm alone - literally. I imagine that people hate me and think I'm useless. Those feelings are coming from myself. The more I isolate, the more I push people away and that does nothing for my negative feelings. It's funny that my addictions made me more social externally but were slowly destroying my insides. I created this whole other personality when I was drinking and chose to ignore the real me hiding underneath the surface, screaming to get out. There was a time when I thought that who I was when I was drinking was my real self. I thought the same thing about coffee for a time period. But that doesn't make sense. I'm realizing so much that I make excuses for myself ALL THE TIME. What has happened to me does not excuse me. Murderers are not excused for their crimes because they were abused when they were younger. And ya know why? Because there are people who were abused who don't end up being murderers. I get so caught up in who I'm supposed to be because of my survivor status, because I was bullied, that I have completely forgotten who I really am. I am not a survivor of sexual abuse. I am not an alcoholic. I am not a counselor/legal advocate. I am not a direct support professional. I am not a volunteer crisis counselor. I am not a DUI instructor. I AM A CHILD OF GOD. I define myself by my activities so that I don't have to show people who I really am. I think I'm ugly on the inside and out most days. I don't think I have much to offer. But it doesn't matter what I think, because GOD thinks I'm worth something. GOD loved me so much that He died on the cross for me. GOD makes my life meaningful and worthwhile. GOD has a plan for me. I am not who other people say I am. I am not who I say I am. I am who GOD says I am, and He has called me His. I am already a butterfly.

High Fidelity

Well that was a disappointment. That movie was not as good as I had hoped it would be. It didn't give me warm, fuzzy feelings. I'm going to watch an episode of the IT crowd and then I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll actually send off the letters that I've written - yea that would be a good idea.