I never wanted to live this long. Some days when I'm feeling more positive, I think about what a gift life is. But that doesn't happen every day. I spent my life trying to punish myself as a means to avoid pain and healing. Working through recovery and healing means that I have to stay still for long periods of time when everything in me wants to run away. My unhealthy coping mechanisms have morphed into starving myself or avoiding God or sitting on my bed not doing anything for fear that I will mess something up and do something wrong (which is inevitable). I despise my humanity and my depravity. My heart is not a pretty thing. And on days when I want to punish myself, it becomes hard to sit with myself.
Shame has this awful way of worming its way into my head and telling me what a horrible person I am. It drives me away from the Bible and from God's presence because I'm afraid to look at myself. Time away from God (because of shame) makes me forget what it was like to look at Jesus. It seems like I will never get it right. Impulsive behavior is not conducive to healthy things like eating every day and getting adequate sleep, because that would mean forming healthy habits. It is a struggle to do things to keep myself alive, things that I am responsible for now that I am an adult. This cocoon of shame and defeat is familiar and the lies are safe compared to the newness of freedom and truth. The jail of my mind gives me the illusion of protection.
I can give myself trite answers to my paralysis that only make me feel more alone. If I just read this verse or spend time talking to God, it will all be better. And when it's not, when it's harder than that because life is a progression, I want to give up and sink into depravity. I make the decision of how to run my own life and I fail time and time again because deep down I don't want to be here. When I was a kid, I thought life was like the movies. I wanted to be rich and famous because I thought that would turn me into a 2-D person on a TV screen that was playing a role and getting attention. I didn't want to live in reality. I still don't want to live in reality. I don't want to be responsible for myself.
It sucks when I know what the answer is. It's developing healthy habits and spending time with the Lord. It's easy for me to pinpoint what I need to do. Putting it into action is nearly impossible especially when inaction sends me into a shame spiral. If I act in a way that shows that I care about myself every day, then that means I will be without excuse. And I get a lot out of being selfish. Focusing on my problems gives me an excuse to avoid loving other people which keeps me from having to be vulnerable and intimate with people. It seems like a win-win but eventually just ends up making me feel like the only friends I have are Elliott, JD, Dr. Cox, Turk, and Carla. TV shows provide this illusion that I have the capability to be in relationships and understand people. Reality is that they are 2-dimensional characters who are playing a part. It is a one-sided relationship in which I get to avoid my problems for 2 hours at a time and get sucked into the lives of people who don't even exist. And I just end up feeling sorry for myself in the end, like I did after a drunken night or violent acting out as a kid.
It is a constant battle in my mind to simultaneously avoid doing things that will destroy me while trying to do things that will build me up and encourage my spirit.
And this is my reminder to hope even when I don't feel like doing anything. David ministered to his spirit and sometimes I need to do the same thing.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:5
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
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