Every day I feel like I'm struggling to stay alive. I realized this weekend that the only model I have for healthy relationships is television and film. I am utterly at a loss when it comes to real live communication with people. I feel like I'm slowly killing myself and it really is a struggle to get my mind off of suicide every day. I just took 2 Ibuprofen and wondered what it would be like if I took the whole bottle. I'm sure that wouldn't be very pleasant. I don't feel like an incredible person. My whole life I've wanted to be famous, but instead I am a mediocre sadsack. I don't have many friends. I adore the good friends I do have, but most of the time I walk around trying to figure out how to be less lonely. It's a very sad existence. I don't know why I want to be famous - to feel like I matter? Dreaming of being famous was my way of escaping from reality when I was younger. I could never make myself fully present. I was always trying to run away in my head so I wouldn't have to deal with pain. Now I'm realizing that I do this more often than I previously thought. I jump to another country in my head, to another life that involves me being happy. I want everyone in the world to love me. I want to be a muse for people. But I'm lazy and don't really work for anything. I'm so caught up in my head and end up staying there. I know I have something to offer the world. Perhaps it's singing, perhaps it's acting, perhaps it's writing. I have absolutely no idea.
I've stopped eating. Well, not completely. I've stopped making food for myself really. I've lost 5 pounds, not intentionally but it feels good. I think this is my way of punishing myself and I'm afraid it's going to become something that destroys me. I need to always have something destroying me at all times. I'm trying to change, but it's very hard. Is it still anorexia if I just don't want to take the time to make food? I'm not doing it to lose weight really. I'm just lazy. And really I don't want to live for much longer. I will probably never commit suicide. Maybe life will magically get better. It sucks that when I'm so depressed I can't work on it, I really should be working on it - improving my life I mean.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Dan - Gah
Dan and I ended up sleeping together :( I knew it would happen. He
said that he feels like a serpent, but it wasn't his fault. I don't
know how to have a relationship with a guy without wanting to use
them. I feel empty and sad and useless to God. And it happened again
after church, after I repented, after I realized that I hurt the God I
love! I think it was good that he came up, because now I know how weak
I am in that area. He didn't want it to happen. I didn't want it to
happen. But I couldn't imagine it not happening. Before he came up, I
tried to picture his visit without it and I really couldn't. And only
because I wanted to use him like I have been used. We had a short
conversation about it last night (short for me - long for him) and I
realized that we will always just be friends. We made a pledge to not
let this happen when I see him again. I told him that the only time I
ever feel close to him is when we're intimate. He is a very guarded
person who hates displays of affection except when we're in the
bedroom. And I so desire to be close to him, but it seems like the
more physically intimate we become, the further I feel from him in the
end. We have a close friendship - he can talk about things with me
that he can't talk about with other people. And we get along really
well. I have absolutely no idea what he's feeling or thinking the
majority of the time (and this is SO hard because I'm a counselor! I'm
generally very good at reading people), and he has absolutely no idea
what I want. I have a pain in my heart because he just left, but when
he's here I get tired of the distance he puts between us. And it
always happens the same way! We don't touch for the entire first day
that he's here. And then night comes and we spoon and I become
addicted to his touch and then realize how much I have missed physical
intimacy and it goes from there. And then for the whole rest of the
time he's here I want to be next to him and touching him and he hates
PDA. I think those women who prayed for me were right. Sex drives two
people away when they are doing it in sin. He said that with his last
girlfriend, the more affection she gave him, the more he pulled away.
He can't change and I won't change. And the only reason I have a
broken heart is because we slept together. I care about hiim very
much, but he's teaching me that I have no idea what a regular, normal
relationship would even look like. I have known him for 4 years and
would consider him one of my closest friends. And still I can't help
but use him. And still there is a rift between us that maybe he
doesn't get. If you met him, you would understand. We are two
completely different people. And if you saw us in public you would
probably have no idea we were intimate. I think I admire him more for
he what he doesn't say than what he does, but at the same time I hate
him for being such an enigma. And he said that he cares about me
because I'm a good person. And I am. But I am so torn and it feels
like my heart has been broken into a million little pieces. At least
now I know that I'm not in love with him. I care about him so very
much and our relationship is growing. But I think part of the problem
is that we only see each other every 4 months - 3 times a year. So I
feel like I have to fit every bit of goodness into a 48-hour span. And
he moves gradually. I move VERY quickly, terrifyingly so for someone
like Dan. If we could spend just two days together without being
intimate, I really think that we would see that we either love each
other or can't stand one another. At this point, there's no telling.
said that he feels like a serpent, but it wasn't his fault. I don't
know how to have a relationship with a guy without wanting to use
them. I feel empty and sad and useless to God. And it happened again
after church, after I repented, after I realized that I hurt the God I
love! I think it was good that he came up, because now I know how weak
I am in that area. He didn't want it to happen. I didn't want it to
happen. But I couldn't imagine it not happening. Before he came up, I
tried to picture his visit without it and I really couldn't. And only
because I wanted to use him like I have been used. We had a short
conversation about it last night (short for me - long for him) and I
realized that we will always just be friends. We made a pledge to not
let this happen when I see him again. I told him that the only time I
ever feel close to him is when we're intimate. He is a very guarded
person who hates displays of affection except when we're in the
bedroom. And I so desire to be close to him, but it seems like the
more physically intimate we become, the further I feel from him in the
end. We have a close friendship - he can talk about things with me
that he can't talk about with other people. And we get along really
well. I have absolutely no idea what he's feeling or thinking the
majority of the time (and this is SO hard because I'm a counselor! I'm
generally very good at reading people), and he has absolutely no idea
what I want. I have a pain in my heart because he just left, but when
he's here I get tired of the distance he puts between us. And it
always happens the same way! We don't touch for the entire first day
that he's here. And then night comes and we spoon and I become
addicted to his touch and then realize how much I have missed physical
intimacy and it goes from there. And then for the whole rest of the
time he's here I want to be next to him and touching him and he hates
PDA. I think those women who prayed for me were right. Sex drives two
people away when they are doing it in sin. He said that with his last
girlfriend, the more affection she gave him, the more he pulled away.
He can't change and I won't change. And the only reason I have a
broken heart is because we slept together. I care about hiim very
much, but he's teaching me that I have no idea what a regular, normal
relationship would even look like. I have known him for 4 years and
would consider him one of my closest friends. And still I can't help
but use him. And still there is a rift between us that maybe he
doesn't get. If you met him, you would understand. We are two
completely different people. And if you saw us in public you would
probably have no idea we were intimate. I think I admire him more for
he what he doesn't say than what he does, but at the same time I hate
him for being such an enigma. And he said that he cares about me
because I'm a good person. And I am. But I am so torn and it feels
like my heart has been broken into a million little pieces. At least
now I know that I'm not in love with him. I care about him so very
much and our relationship is growing. But I think part of the problem
is that we only see each other every 4 months - 3 times a year. So I
feel like I have to fit every bit of goodness into a 48-hour span. And
he moves gradually. I move VERY quickly, terrifyingly so for someone
like Dan. If we could spend just two days together without being
intimate, I really think that we would see that we either love each
other or can't stand one another. At this point, there's no telling.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Control
I'm always afraid it's gonna end with murder. There was a time in my life when I didn't need alcohol or sex to give me the illusion of control, but what did I do before then? Now that I have tasted both I don't know how to use other coping mechanisms. I am stuck. Maybe it's because I have never found a name for what happened to me. I was gang raped by my peers when I was 4. But is it called gang rape if they were under the age of 15? Is it rape at all or molestation?
All I know is that I don't trust anyone and the only way I know how to live safely is to manipulate and control people. Drinking made it okay, curtailed it a bit. I've never really liked hanging out with people unless it meant I was going to get something. And I feel like a murderer even though I haven't killed anyone. But could I? That seems to be the ultimate form of control, and I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. I went from being a teetotalling virgin to an alcoholic slut. I need to have sex very soon to avoid being out of control. I would rather be causing my lack of control by drinking too much or fucking someone to be in control than have this mind that won't let me rest. I want to be out of my mind. I can't live with this person anymore. And nothing I do will help. I really wanted to go to this party tonight but I'm punishing myself for being controlling. I'm not letting myself leave this room. I don't want murder to be next. Suicide is a better idea. I've been thinking about the notes I would write and how much the notes would hurt my family. I definitely don't want that to happen. But then I would hope that they understand if I explained it to them. I wonder if people know that I'm a ticking time bomb. I've never hurt anyone outside of my family, so that's not what I mean. But I feel like I could go off the deep end at any time. A psychiatric hospital won't help. The loss of control would make me go crazy. But when I have some control over my life I go crazy. I've discovered that maybe I'm just crazy. I have no earthly idea what it would look like to have a healthy sense of control. I'm jealous of people who know what this is. I'm the problem and I'm also the solution. It's the curse of being alive, I suppose. I don't feel safe anywhere or with anyone except when I'm in my room. I guess I feel safe with my family and with some choice people. I am a variety of things all rolled into one, bad things. But the more I isolate, the crazier I become.
All I know is that I don't trust anyone and the only way I know how to live safely is to manipulate and control people. Drinking made it okay, curtailed it a bit. I've never really liked hanging out with people unless it meant I was going to get something. And I feel like a murderer even though I haven't killed anyone. But could I? That seems to be the ultimate form of control, and I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. I went from being a teetotalling virgin to an alcoholic slut. I need to have sex very soon to avoid being out of control. I would rather be causing my lack of control by drinking too much or fucking someone to be in control than have this mind that won't let me rest. I want to be out of my mind. I can't live with this person anymore. And nothing I do will help. I really wanted to go to this party tonight but I'm punishing myself for being controlling. I'm not letting myself leave this room. I don't want murder to be next. Suicide is a better idea. I've been thinking about the notes I would write and how much the notes would hurt my family. I definitely don't want that to happen. But then I would hope that they understand if I explained it to them. I wonder if people know that I'm a ticking time bomb. I've never hurt anyone outside of my family, so that's not what I mean. But I feel like I could go off the deep end at any time. A psychiatric hospital won't help. The loss of control would make me go crazy. But when I have some control over my life I go crazy. I've discovered that maybe I'm just crazy. I have no earthly idea what it would look like to have a healthy sense of control. I'm jealous of people who know what this is. I'm the problem and I'm also the solution. It's the curse of being alive, I suppose. I don't feel safe anywhere or with anyone except when I'm in my room. I guess I feel safe with my family and with some choice people. I am a variety of things all rolled into one, bad things. But the more I isolate, the crazier I become.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)