Alcoholism and New Life

I have been sober for 24 days today!

 I hadn't had a drink in two and a half years before I relapsed the first time, but I had not been living sober in that period of sobriety. I was living as a dry drunk.  I wasn't consistently going to meetings and wasn't completely dedicated to the program. This basically means that I had the thinking patterns of an active alcoholic while not drinking. It's a bus that I don't want to go on again. I was incredibly arrogant because of my belief that I had pulled myself up by my bootstraps to get myself sober. I would say with my mouth how great God was for lifting me out of the pit, meanwhile believing that I was so awesome for doing so myself. I wasn't working on sobriety consistently. I was my own best PR representative - encouraging people to tell me how honest and strong I was while wavering between arrogance and fear that I didn't quite measure up under the surface. A friend told me recently that it's pretty boring to paint with two colors: fear and pride. I love color, and I tend to slip into this black-and-white perspective place. Working on it.

I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease. And though relapsing took some things from me, it was completely necessary to relapse in order to prove to myself that I am, in fact, an alcoholic.
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."
Psalm 119:71
The scary thing about my recent relapse is that both times, I got drunk alone and provided a red carpet entry for the enemy to feed me lies and attack my mind. That is what alcohol does to me. When I was in active drinking and addiction in college, I was mostly surrounded by other people who were also getting drunk save for one time near the end when I got drunk alone. For the first time, I am doing many more healthy things than unhealthy things in my life only by the grace of God. Many people relapse and don't come back. I am very very fortunate to be surrounded by friends who recognize lies when they come spewing out of my mouth.

My alcoholism is not a behavioral problem, it is a thinking problem. I am being "transformed by the renewing of [my] mind in Christ Jesus." (Romans 12:2) It's hard to see when I'm in the middle of it, but I know that I'm healthier even after a month and handling things much differently than before.

For a while, I was unsure of whether it was okay to be in a program that isn't overtly Christian but "spiritual." They help me and they are really increasing my awareness of God and even how He moves in the lives of those who are unaware and don't believe in Him. It is really beautiful to see. I am so grateful for others who are open with their struggles. Here are the promises I can hope for if I stick to my program:

"1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.

2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God." (Romans 8:20-21)

3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
2 Corinthians 7:10

4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. *This is a hard one for me now*
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
Isaiah 26:3

5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Isaiah 43:18-19

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. "

I'm working for them, and now I know that I can't do it alone! I haven't yet started working through the steps, but soon I will :)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
(Hebrews 12:1-2)

For more information about what a "dry drunk" is, go here.

Also, this book is changing my life:



*I am not a saint but a "trusted servant." I am a struggler and a fighter. And I need to remember that it is God working in and through me - it has nothing to do with  me but with the gift of new life that He has chosen to give me!

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:13 - 14

Empathy

My number one strength is Empathy according to the Strengths Finder test I took in 2012. As a counselor for people in some pretty tough situations, I have to remain present with clients in the moment and process later. Most times it's not the situation that I have to process later but the feelings and personal fears that came up as I was listening. There are a myriad of emotions that I experience in a day. Sometimes I struggle to see this as a strength.  I am aware of how people are feeling constantly. With time, I am learning how not to make myself responsible for people's feelings. When they become overwhelming, I turn to my own for comfort and can sometimes get lost in my own feelings in an attempt to disconnect from others' pain.

When someone who is close to me is in pain, I have to experience their pain in pieces. I have a sensitive spirit and have to remind myself to be careful about how I enlist my  feelings. If I know something big is coming up emotion-wise, I almost need to ration them to keep from going crazy.

I do see it as a gift sometimes. Recently The Lord has put people on my heart to experience emotion for and pray for. It is really a beautiful thing because I feel like I am connecting with the heart of God in those times. And He sees all of my tears. It is something I can't explain but sometimes I am overwhelmed with an emotion that is not my own. Those times are sweet because it seems like I am crying God's tears for people. And I feel like I have a job to do for people who can't talk about what they're going through and can't express their emotions.

Because I am so sensitive to how other people are feeling, I get bogged down. When I am not spending time with The Lord asking Him to breathe on my gift, I can get in a place where I have to make sure everyone around me feels good so that I can feel good. I manipulate with my words so friends don't rock my already unsteady feelings boat with their own feelings. When I am overwhelmed or stressed, I get so lost in my own feelings that it becomes overwhelming. It helps to surround myself with people who speak positive truth. Otherwise it feels like I am rowing in the dark alone in a cave with bats and snakes.

 One of my gifts is also "Restorative," and so I gravitate towards what can be fixed or restored in myself and other people. Since another strength is "Positivity," I see negativity as the thing that needs to be fixed oftentimes. So I mull over my negativity in the cave until I get up and do something else or surround myself with other people to get out of it.

And I need to be around other people to get out of it! It is really cool to me that we all have different strengths and gifts and experience them differently. I believe that anyone's gifts/strengths can be used for selfish gain or to help people. More and more I am trying to use my gifts to help people, and it seems like an even longer process than my recovery!

Pain

When you love someone

And they're far away,

And the broken words

That you used to say

Hurt so much

That you cannot speak,

Tears will do

When you're feeling weak.

When the days that pass

Seem longer still

'Til you heal from this

And your spirit's filled,

You will want to hide

And shout and swear

'Cause the pain is deep

And too much to bear.

So you must press on

To the prize ahead,

Pick up your feet,

'Cause you are not dead.

Look to Jesus.

He will provide

The strength you need

To last the night.

Five Minute Friday: Lonely

I am thinking of that Backstreet Boys song, "Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I'm leaving my life in Your hands." This could be describing our relationship with Jesus :) 

For years - from about 8 years old until recently, I defined myself by who had a crush on me or didn't. I saw my mother single for 21 years and saw the loneliness that plagued her even when she didn't realize we were aware of it. I saw my grandmother after she lost my grandfather in 2004 and the heartache that came with her loss. 

And I know it is possible to be lonely in a crowd of people. I am blessed to be part of a group of people who know me well, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel alone. My greatest sin is the belief that I must be self-sufficient. It feels pretty lonely to have to make some big decisions on my own, to have to pay bills, and keep my head above the water by myself. I know that there are verses in the bible that say that God is always with us. I heard this great verse today on the air: 

2 Timothy 4:17 - "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth."  

Do I believe this yet? Absolutely not. I hope that I'm moving in a direction where I am okay with feeling lonely, because that means that I have the opportunity to reach out to God in those times. This morning I also heard that song that says "what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're here?...what if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"

Any painful or negative emotion cannot compare with the complete separation from God that comes when we are not in relationship with Him. He already conquered the worst thing - hell and death!

And here is a Relient K lyric that I just got stuck in my head, from "This Week the Trend."  
"and this week the trend was to borrow all the strength that you could lend to keep my head above the water and not descend back to where I said I'd never go again"

If you would like to join in, please go to http://lisajobaker.com/2013/08/five-minute-friday-lonely/ !

Also, just for old times sake:

One Day at a Time

I'm not very good at eating, and then I get in a grumpy mood. I haven't gotten much sleep lately either. I realized today that I have this fear that I will be Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired forever when I get in these moods. What's reality? Today is just one day. The future is none of my business. Only God knows. I like the idea that I am trying to peek at my presents before Christmas. Christmas is of course His omniscience, which I don't have and will only have when I am in heaven.

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 
1 Corinthians 13:1-2

I feel like I have to make up for lost time of not blogging and not having the Internet. I want to watch 11 episodes of Scrubs and as many French films as I have missed. Today wasn't easy, and yet I made healthy decisions. I helped people, and I have someone to apologize to tomorrow. Here's the thing: Every day I get the chance not to be perfect (I am FINALLY getting this) but to CHOOSE to love people in spite of my imperfections. For some people I need a little more encouragement from the Lord to make this decision.

I used to be one of those people who did really super nice things for people at my job and in public but then would treat my family and closest relationships like crap. I would deflect their attention to make them unable to see that really when I got home, I wanted everything to be about me. I say that I used to be that way, because I am growing, and at least that's different from my stagnant blindness in this area before. I was completely convinced that I was either a rotten piece of meat or a goddess deserving of praise. The middle ground has always scared me. Every day, I change my opinion about myself and other people - one day I hate myself, the next day I worship myself, and I have done the same with people.  One day I love a person and praise them all over the place, and the next day I despise them. It doesn't always switch by the day, but my opinions are based on my feelings about myself and what I believe I deserve (dung or worship).

My former roommate, Kelly, pointed out something to me the other day that was really enlightening.

Sometimes I identify with my former self in order to escape guilt and shame.

She told me that she saw a change in me, what must have been the stone walls of my heart showing itself through my words, body language, and permanent resolve that I will always be this way (the way that I was). It is extremely painful to look my former sins square in the face and tell them that they don't own me anymore. It hurts to admit that me existed. I am grateful to have people who KNOW me now. I have friends who can see my face and tell when I'm throwing a tantrum or when I'm overwhelmed. For YEARS I was running away from people, afraid that they would catch a glimpse of my heart and shudder. I was afraid that I was like Dorian Gray, who had a spotless exterior but was grotesque on the inside. And do you want to know the truth I'm realizing?

We are all Dorian Gray without Jesus.

None of us are righteous on our own.  

"As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one"
Romans 3:10

"We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind."
Isaiah 64:6

You would think that after relapsing, I would realize this. Nope. I am certainly growing in the truth that 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

But my arrogance is still the biggest issue to tackle. I am writing these things as if they are new philosophies and I'm so smart for understanding. Think again, ego Kristin. Wisdom (spiritual knowledge) comes from the Father, and I would not have access to the Word, the Holy Spirit, and anything good without Him. 

In the recovery community, people talk about a Higher Power. I realized tonight that mine is shifting constantly. Sure, I can tell people that my Higher Power is God, but do I really live that way all the time? Do I live that way when people aren't watching? I'm noticing how I operate behind closed doors. The Holy Spirit is so gentle in the way He nudges us into truth. Here's to tomorrow!