I haven't written a post in a while, but I needed to get some things out.
Robin Williams' death didn't really hit me until I read a friend's status that pinpointed exactly the feeling of terror that I was trying to suppress. I didn't want to acknowledge that his death (by apparent suicide) hit close to home. As a child, I enjoyed so many of his performances. Dead Poets Society is my favorite movie, and I grew up with Mrs. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Jack, Jumanji, and Hook. He was truly a talented man who seemed to give back so much to others.
He was very open about his struggle with addiction. In 2003, he relapsed after 20 years of sobriety. That is absolutely terrifying to me, because it is a reminder that this disease never gives up. People say that when you pick up again, you end up right back where you left off with drinking. I don't know if alcohol was a factor in his death. It's believed that he died by asphyxiation and there will be an autopsy done today. This is jarring to me because when I relapsed last year I had fantasies of hanging myself from a tree with my bedsheets. Suicidal thoughts controlled my mind. While I am still not entirely free from them, after a year of sobriety I feel that I have victory over these thoughts because I can hear the Holy Spirit, and I know who Jesus is when I'm sober. But I will never be free from the possibility of picking up a drink again. It is very scary to think that Robin Williams did what I wanted to do just a year ago.
I think that there's a common misconception that joy and despair cannot exist in the same person. In my short life, I have found that my despair has informed my joy. I know what life is like when I am in the pit of despair, and I really believe that my joy comes out of the reality of who I was and who I could be without Jesus. Those who have experienced deep wells of pain experience deep wells of joy that overflow into others' lives.
When I am drunk, the great despair takes over. A cloud of darkness consumes and controls my mind. The worst parts of myself run rampant through my mind. My sins come up and I isolate. This is also what happens when I do not nurture my sobriety and do the things that I know will keep me sober.
My addiction comes out in other ways - in a frenetic grasping for attention and control over things and people. For Robin Williams, I imagine it was the same. He talked about alcohol addiction in a 2006 interview with Diane Sawyer and said "“It waits,” he said. “It lays in wait for the time when you think, ‘It’s
fine now, I’m OK.’ Then, the next thing you know, it’s not OK.”
I am terrified. This really hits home. It's not enough to write or talk about my struggles. It requires daily work. Often, I am too lazy to put in the effort and then end up despairing.
I am so grateful for Robin Williams' transparency about his addiction and struggles with depression. I hope that it terrifies more people than just me. It is a reminder that I am no different. I am just one drink away from complete despair. I'm hoping that we can celebrate his life, learn from his struggles, and remember the joy that he brought people.
I have a desire to disconnect from the situation - from the reality of his pain and where it brought him. It is too hard to remember what it was like in that place where suicide seemed the only way out. And in a way, that's good, because I don't want to get lost in a spiral of thoughts that lead me away from sanity. I suppose that's why I needed to write this - to make sure that I didn't sit on the fears and the thoughts. It helps to put my insanity in writing. Thanks for reading.
