Cyclothymia

I don't know what's wrong. I should be happy. I have a great job, a great boyfriend, and a great group of friends. But I get into this place where I think about how much more I could have done, and then I remember that I'm only 24 even though my overanalyzing brain makes me believe that I'm much older. It's my dream to be on Broadway one day, and I have no idea how to make that a reality. There's this idea that if you go for your dreams and fight for them no matter what, you will get what you have always wanted. I heard that, but to be honest, I always just assumed that things would be handed to me. I am more spoiled than I thought I was, and not because we had a lot of money or anything but because I am entitled and always wanting more. There are days when I do just want to get wasted and blot out my fears and anxieties, though I know that has proven to only make it worse. I think that I have Cyclothymia, but I don't know how to ask for help. Should I ask my medical doctor? My counselor can't prescribe medications, and I don't even know if I would want them if they're going to have negative side effects. I have already gained a lot of weight because of my unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise. Is it possible to be depressed, because I don't have a lot of free time? It just sucks that I don't have time to exercise anyway, and then it's the last thing I want to do when I have free time, though I know it's necessary. And I am just aching for a release from this constant overanalyzing. I wish that there was a way to just step out of my brain for a little bit. That's what music does for me, and then I start thinking about Broadway and performing and I get stuck in this rut of "what-if"s and regret. And then it's like my brain doesn't want me to experience being happy. It is used to the crap, and so it gets stuck there and won't let me leave. I had a plan to move to New York at the end of the summer, and that was my plan for a while. I told my Bible study and my friends. I emailed everyone I know there to see how it would be possible. And I think I would love it. I would thrive there for the most part. Then the other part of me, the depressed part of me I guess, would not thrive and would isolate and scream and hate myself and want to move back where I would be surrounded by friends. I am afraid of the cost of an apartment. I am afraid of picking up and starting a new life. I am afraid because I don't have much savings, and I don't know how I would afford living in a place that is my dream. It has always been my dream to live there, if I'm going to be completely honest. I've only just started verbalizing it. I've only just started talking about it. I'm young, but I feel much older than I am. I've slept with a lot of people, drank a lot, and turned my brain into a pleasure-seeking machine. I'm out of that stage now, and it's interesting to feel older, when really I guess my brain was stuck in autopilot negativity for so long, so shouldn't it be the opposite? I feel like I have done enough thinking for 10 lifetimes, so maybe that's why I feel older. I ruminate on things and overanalyze things and start getting anxious about lots of things and panic and get upset for not being in New York City. It is my dream to live there, and I think I will make that a reality next year once I get put on some medication to manage my symptoms and my distractedness and irritability. It's to the point where I don't think I can manage it anymore. I haven't been doing that well. I haven't been eating well. I haven't been exercising. I don't think that a medication will magically change that, but it may give me some motivation and change my brain chemistry. I do well for a while and then sink back into the mess that my brain is used to. Maybe blogging regularly again will help me.