I hadn't had a drink in two and a half years before I relapsed the first time, but I had not been living sober in that period of sobriety. I was living as a dry drunk. I wasn't consistently going to meetings and wasn't completely dedicated to the program. This basically means that I had the thinking patterns of an active alcoholic while not drinking. It's a bus that I don't want to go on again. I was incredibly arrogant because of my belief that I had pulled myself up by my bootstraps to get myself sober. I would say with my mouth how great God was for lifting me out of the pit, meanwhile believing that I was so awesome for doing so myself. I wasn't working on sobriety consistently. I was my own best PR representative - encouraging people to tell me how honest and strong I was while wavering between arrogance and fear that I didn't quite measure up under the surface. A friend told me recently that it's pretty boring to paint with two colors: fear and pride. I love color, and I tend to slip into this black-and-white perspective place. Working on it.
I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease. And though relapsing took some things from me, it was completely necessary to relapse in order to prove to myself that I am, in fact, an alcoholic.
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."
Psalm 119:71
The scary thing about my recent relapse is that both times, I got drunk alone and provided a red carpet entry for the enemy to feed me lies and attack my mind. That is what alcohol does to me. When I was in active drinking and addiction in college, I was mostly surrounded by other people who were also getting drunk save for one time near the end when I got drunk alone. For the first time, I am doing many more healthy things than unhealthy things in my life only by the grace of God. Many people relapse and don't come back. I am very very fortunate to be surrounded by friends who recognize lies when they come spewing out of my mouth.
My alcoholism is not a behavioral problem, it is a thinking problem. I am being "transformed by the renewing of [my] mind in Christ Jesus." (Romans 12:2) It's hard to see when I'm in the middle of it, but I know that I'm healthier even after a month and handling things much differently than before.
For a while, I was unsure of whether it was okay to be in a program that isn't overtly Christian but "spiritual." They help me and they are really increasing my awareness of God and even how He moves in the lives of those who are unaware and don't believe in Him. It is really beautiful to see. I am so grateful for others who are open with their struggles. Here are the promises I can hope for if I stick to my program:
"1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God." (Romans 8:20-21)
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
2 Corinthians 7:10
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. *This is a hard one for me now*
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
Isaiah 26:3
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Isaiah 43:18-19
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. "
I'm working for them, and now I know that I can't do it alone! I haven't yet started working through the steps, but soon I will :)
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
(Hebrews 12:1-2)
For more information about what a "dry drunk" is, go here.
Also, this book is changing my life:
*I am not a saint but a "trusted servant." I am a struggler and a fighter. And I need to remember that it is God working in and through me - it has nothing to do with me but with the gift of new life that He has chosen to give me!
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:13 - 14
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