Real Intimacy

I sat next to a woman on the plane ride from St. Louis to Washington, DC. Barb lost her husband four years ago. She was in her mid-fifties and had a joyous glow about her. I knew that she was a believer even before she pulled out "Jesus Calling" and we had a discussion about it. My Abba put her next to me to encourage me. She had lost her husband unexpectedly and still got up every day to make time for her Abba - at 530 every morning she got up and spent time with Him.

Something broke in me this weekend. I had the opportunity to sin in ways that bound me before. And I chose the healthier path. I chose not to give into temptation, and I chose not to sin. The only way I could have learned that I am not the person I used to be, that I am indeed a new creation, is by the Lord putting me in a situation where I would be forced to make a decision between my flesh and my spirit. I have values and an identity in Christ that keeps me out of the behaviors I engaged in through college.
Up until then, I didn't trust myself. I haven't engaged in some behaviors in almost 2 years, and still I thought I was that person even though that was never who I was! I was behaving out of LIES.

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Galatians 5:24

When I surrendered to Jesus, I was immediately cloaked in righteousness.

I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
Isaiah 61:10

 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
Galatians 3:26 - 27

The Lord is softening my heart in ways I haven't let Him before. I consciously have blocked out His voice at times for fear that He would reject or hurt me. When you have experienced trauma, it is hard to believe that the Lord knocks and asks to be invited in, because there are people who have not been so kind and have forced their way over boundaries. The Lord is not a person, and He respects our boundaries.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:20

We choose to open the door. The Lord never forces His way in. He is a perfect gentleman, and He desires for all of us to be whole and healed. In time, I am learning that He is my rock and support. The Lord has given me the courage and ability to set boundaries to protect myself and others. He is safe and provides a peaceful refuge for our spirit.

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Romans 8:6

Once I realized that I was too exhausted to fight Him any longer about who I am in Christ and how He looks at me, I experienced a freedom. I CAN choose how to behave. I CAN have values and standards. I CAN keep promises to myself. With Jesus, we are no longer slaves to sin. Over and over again I was waking up every day and putting on the same filthy rags, believing the same useless lies about myself, and feeling stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing and breaking promises to myself. Over and over again I tried to prove God wrong. Over and over again I rejected His gift, because I wanted to feel whole. I didn't realize that being whole means having Him! I already am whole because of Him! I need His word to remind me of truth, I need His presence to give me assignments and remind me that He's real even if I can't see Him, I need His voice to guide me and UN-shame me, working me through the process of sanctification. I need to stay in communication with Him so I don't think I can do it on my own, and I need to thank Him so I can remember that HE is much better and more satisfying than the cheap intimacy I discovered in college.

NOTHING can replace intimacy with the Lord. It is what we were created for, and what we ultimately desire. I used to think that this intimacy had to look a certain way - I had to spend 3 hours a night with God and be completely silent. Those times have their place, but I don't believe that's how He created me. I hear Him at work and when I'm on walks, when I'm riding my bike, and sometimes when I'm in the midst of conversation (if I'm really listening hard). I am fortunate to have grown up in the church, because I am reminded of verses that I memorized as a kid. He is not looking for a formulaic way for me to pray to Him. He is not looking for "thees" and "thous" and "Our Father"s. He wants us to turn to Him when we're sad, rejoice with Him when we're happy, and really listen for His voice. I am so glad that my circumstances broke me to the point where I could see the blazing neon arrow pointing me towards Christ, the only One who will truly satisfy my soul.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Matthew 28:20