Disconnection vs. Connection

I had the day off of work today, and I watched 10 episodes of Cheers.

Now, considering that I'm an alcoholic, it's not the best idea to watch a show set in a bar. But what was even unhealthier was my fueling disconnection by attempting to numb myself with television.

This year, I am striving to make more choices to foster connection rather than disconnection. So far, it has been going well. Today was a minor setback, but I'm getting back up. I get energy from other people, but I become afraid of connecting with people after a bout of disconnection that involves filling my brain with lies about who I am.

A couple of years ago, my number one way to disconnect was to sleep with someone. Sex outside of marriage gives the illusion of connection and intimacy (which is what I was looking for), but it fosters disconnection by keeping the sexual act separate from the covenant of marriage for which it was created. It reduces sex to a physical act rather than the full union it is supposed to be.

For me, I know that it is impossible to stay sober if I sleep with someone. I may be able to keep from drinking, but the very act of sleeping with someone will derail my sobriety and all of the step work that I have been doing. I am very grateful that God has protected me from making the choice to disconnect in this way in the past couple of years. It has certainly not been easy.

I am grateful that my guilt and shame have been wiped away. I no longer look at my past behavior as a black mark on my life. I made unwise decisions, because I was looking for something I didn't realize I had in Jesus.

Intimacy takes time to grow. Connection takes time to foster. It takes hard work to willingly choose something that is not going to give me instant gratification.

I no longer see myself as an object, and I'm working on not seeing men as objects. It is not impossible, because nothing is impossible with Jesus. It will take work. It will mean surrendering my conception of intimacy and embracing truth.

When I get wrapped up in watching TV and movies that tell me I need a man to make everything better, I forget that I already know the man who wiped away my sins and made my sins like snow.

"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. 
Isaiah 1:18

This year, I am determined to find out that the intimacy that Jesus offers is much better than anything I have ever experienced.