I bought a pack of cigarettes the other night. I promised God that I wouldn't smoke after He brought me from Virginia to State College on one tank of gas. And then last Saturday happened. Sometimes a night like that needs to happen in order to remind me that God is sovereign and I'm in charge of less than I think.
Waitressing was horrible - my first table left me $5 on a $75 bill, I missed a snooty table and was chastised for it, then didn't follow specific instructions and was chastised again. I wanted a drink badly, and I wanted the perfect excuse to take one. Working and living in a town where getting drunk is part of the norm is difficult as an alcoholic. Trying to maintain sobriety while not surrounding myself with people who are sober themselves is hard as well. I learned my lesson the hard way, but not quite as hard as I could have learned it. I almost relapsed, and then an angel stepped in. I would like to take all of the credit, but I know that it was the Lord's doing that neither Wegman's nor Weis were open for alcohol sales. I stopped at a bottle shop on my way home that was open, and then I got there and walked in and looked at the choices. I could have slid that door open and gotten some Corona or Bud Light Lime. Instead, an angel stepped in and kept me from opening the door. I had suddenly lost the desire to drink. Maybe it was hearing the loud conversations and drunken speech of those in the bar or maybe it was just that finally getting there made me realize I didn't want what I thought I did.
But I was mad at God. I sat in my car and cried and screamed and cursed at Him for a while. I mocked Him and kicked him with my words because of how horrible my life had been up to this point. Why did I have to be an alcoholic? Why did I have to be different? Why did my mother marry such an awful man who I inherited this gene from?
I told God that if He couldn't keep His promises, I wasn't gonna keep mine either. I decided that if I wasn't going to drink, I would buy a pack of cigarettes. And so I drove to the UniMart with a snotty nose and tear-stained cheeks. It was completely obvious that I had been crying. I got out of the car and started coughing to make it seem like I was sick. I fooled the guy behind the counter, and he told me that smoking probably wasn't good for a cold. I was excited for that first cigarette, though I remembered that I hadn't liked it the last time I had one. It clings to my clothes and makes my breath weird, and then I feel like I have to take a shower immediately afterward.
I walked on the path behind my house. It was silent and cold and perfect. There was no one around. I could sit with my cigarettes and talk with God. I smoked three cigarettes and talked to Him. It was like I was talking to a friend again. I heard Him again. He was in pain because I was in pain. He pointed out that I don't trust who He's put in my life. He pointed out that I put myself first in everything by not allowing people into my pain. He reminded me that I need Him. I need people. I need to let people see me in the midst of struggle, not just afterward. I felt deadened and alive at the same time. It was painful.
I took a shower then got out and realized I need to go back to AA meetings. I can't do this thing alone. I can't stay sober without community, without people who are struggling with the same issues. I can't do this alone. I desperately need people to be with me in this. I can't shoulder the burdens of the world all by myself. I can't be responsible for my pain and her pain and his pain. I can sit with people in it, but I am not God, I am not a Savior for myself or for other people. God showed me how I was putting myself in His place.
I texted my boyfriend, and he took me to a meeting the next day. I smoked my pack of cigarettes again that night - 3 of them. This time, I told Him I would talk and smoke, and then listen. And I heard Him say that He's opening up a new chapter in my life. I was aware of Him in a different way again. I told Him that I just needed those cigarettes until the pack was done. I accidentally lit one from the wrong end in the dark, so that limited how many were left by one. I told Him I just needed this crutch. I couldn't do it without something to help me talk to Him.
I had two cigarettes last night. God asked me why I always have to have something outside of myself to connect and have intimacy with Him or with others. "You have the Holy Spirit within you," He said. "Why can't you connect with that?" I realized He was right, and I didn't feel shame about it like I normally would. My friend Lo always says that shame is not from God. I saw that God wanted me to move towards something greater. I told Him that it wasn't that big of deal, it helped me connect with Him. He told me that wasn't the way to connect with Him. He told me to put those cigarettes in the garbage. I said fine and put them in my garbage, then went to sleep.
I have only been smoking at night. Today, I kept thinking about those cigarettes, and how I could have one when I got home. God gently reminded me that they are in the garbage. Last week, I started throwing things away from my past, negative things that made me think I was one way, when God says I am another. Looking at who I used to be was upsetting - it was literally staring me in the face. So I started purging things I never look at. I haven't emptied my trash can of those things. My cigarettes are in the garbage with those items. God told me that if I pick my cigarettes out of the garbage, I will have to take out everything that is in there. I don't want to do that. I have thought about strategically causing my garbage can to tip so that I don't have to take it out of the garbage - it will have "accidentally" gotten out, and then I can have another cigarette. I still want a cigarette. I shouldn't have one, but I still want one, and so I am trying to figure out tricky ways to get it out of there, ways to convince myself that it's okay for me to have another one.
I know that God had me put those in the garbage can for a reason - He wanted to teach me a lesson about what is garbage. He has been showing me that it's important to have a place for things in our physical lives so that we can find a place for things in our minds and spirits. What garbage are you holding onto? Are you thinking God won't notice that you've taken some of your garbage out and brought it back into your reality? Galatians 5:1 says "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
I pray that God would help all of us sort out what is garbage so that we may notice what is garbage and what is clean.
