Drab

Today is a drab day. I convince myself that everything is fine when I'm off work and then go to another staff meeting and tell myself that I love interacting with as many people as possible. I am just now realizing that being fully emotionally present in counseling sessions really takes a toll on me. I need to have space and time to process afterwards and heal a bit of the parts that were stabbed with glass when I had my heart open during sessions. It's really hard to be the rock sometimes and I need to rely on God more, because I know that only He can fill me up and satisfy. But I don't take time for Him. I am so tired that I want to go to bed right now.
I'm afraid that I'm manipulating Dan because I have ulterior motives for hanging out with him. I feel like I'm deceiving him and that doesn't feel very good. I don't want to be subtly trying to control his actions meanwhile ignoring the fact that most times I want to talk to him so that he will grow to love me, so that he can be there for me. It's not fair for me to only want to talk to him on my terms. We're not even dating, but I am overanalyzing our relationship because I don't want to make him feel bad and I really care about him and want to make him aware that I may be manipulating him into having feelings for me. I think at first that's why I was talking to him - the first 2 years that I knew him. And now I feel better about that, because I think I do genuinely care for him now. That really really hurts. I try so hard not to. I thought that when he came down I was "cured" of him. But I just sometimes get so overwhelmed with how I feel about him that I can't think of anything else. And I get frustrated that he doesn't really want to talk about it. I know I'm overanalyzing it, but that's what I do. We're not dating but I wouldn't call us friends. I care so much about him but I sometimes want to cut off all contact with him because it gets to be too painful. Either way there would be pain though because he's far away. I wish he were here. I wish I was there. Well no I don't. I just get overwhelmed with these feelings sometimes, but they will subside. It's not at all about the sex - it's really about having feelings that I can't do anything with. They are just sitting inside of me getting stronger. I can't express them to him because he gets freaked out. I write songs about them sometimes but most end up sounding really creepy and I don't mean them to. I just hate feeling stuck in my feelings like this and feeling powerless to get over him. He represents more than just himself to me. I really think that he is like a father figure. He does this annoying thing where he waits to text me on purpose just because he knows I'm waiting for it. It really hurts more that he doesn't seem to understand why it's so painful for me sometimes. He points out that us not being in the same place is "reality" but that doesn't mean that it's any less painful. This feeling that there's nothing I can do about my feelings or the fact that he's not here is overwhelming at times.

Long Bike Rides

Man oh man. I feel like there's so much of life to experience, and I am lying in bed. I had the overnight last night and didn't get much sleep because I watched the Green Mile before bed. But I had another very symbolic dream. I've been having them a lot lately. I rode 25 miles on my bike yesterday - longer than I've ever ridden and it took 3 hours. I think I'm going to eat some breakfast, do some stuff around the house, and go out again! Spring officially starts tomorrow :)

Boundaries

So I realize I've been a bit depressed for a while, and I think I figured out part of the reason is because I haven't had great boundaries with people who really don't deserve to have access to me. I am working at my first job and realized that there are some people who can poison others against basically an entire office. That's all I'm going to say on that subject, but I've learned that I'm easily manipulated. After someone survives a trauma, one of two things usually happens: they either develop rigid boundaries or let people walk all over them. Before I started drinking I had rigid boundaries and didn't trust anyone or let anyone in. But drinking opened a whole new world for me that unfortunately involved people constantly traipsing over my boundaries. The book I'm reading about boundaries mentions that some people have trouble with both. They let the wrong people in and keep the right people out. I think that God is teaching me a lot about this, and I truly am learning that "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord." I really believe that He has protected me from a lot of things, but something hard is when I feel vulnerable.
Last night one of my DUI students gave me his number, which may seem harmless, but it made me feel violated. Especially considering the work that I do, I was thinking the worst about what the outcome would be. I was afraid that he would be standing by my car after class ended and that I would be kidnapped, raped, and left for dead. Obviously I'm still here. It's scary to think that a person is really never safe, but I am trying to build up my boundaries and be careful not to run over others' boundaries in order to at least keep myself emotionally safe. Abusers can pick out victims in a crowd of people, and I am afraid that I will always have this "victim" tag attached to me. But I know that God has other plans and has put some absolutely phenomenal people in my life. I know from my good friendships that it is possible to have a healthy give-and-take in a relationship. Life is truly a learning process, and I feel like I am only at the beginning.

Life

Every day I feel like I'm struggling to stay alive. I realized this weekend that the only model I have for healthy relationships is television and film. I am utterly at a loss when it comes to real live communication with people. I feel like I'm slowly killing myself and it really is a struggle to get my mind off of suicide every day. I just took 2 Ibuprofen and wondered what it would be like if I took the whole bottle. I'm sure that wouldn't be very pleasant. I don't feel like an incredible person. My whole life I've wanted to be famous, but instead I am a mediocre sadsack. I don't have many friends. I adore the good friends I do have, but most of the time I walk around trying to figure out how to be less lonely. It's a very sad existence. I don't know why I want to be famous - to feel like I matter? Dreaming of being famous was my way of escaping from reality when I was younger. I could never make myself fully present. I was always trying to run away in my head so I wouldn't have to deal with pain. Now I'm realizing that I do this more often than I previously thought. I jump to another country in my head, to another life that involves me being happy. I want everyone in the world to love me. I want to be a muse for people. But I'm lazy and don't really work for anything. I'm so caught up in my head and end up staying there. I know I have something to offer the world. Perhaps it's singing, perhaps it's acting, perhaps it's writing. I have absolutely no idea.
I've stopped eating. Well, not completely. I've stopped making food for myself really. I've lost 5 pounds, not intentionally but it feels good. I think this is my way of punishing myself and I'm afraid it's going to become something that destroys me. I need to always have something destroying me at all times. I'm trying to change, but it's very hard. Is it still anorexia if I just don't want to take the time to make food? I'm not doing it to lose weight really. I'm just lazy. And really I don't want to live for much longer. I will probably never commit suicide. Maybe life will magically get better. It sucks that when I'm so depressed I can't work on it, I really should be working on it - improving my life I mean.

Dan - Gah

Dan and I ended up sleeping together :( I knew it would happen. He
said that he feels like a serpent, but it wasn't his fault. I don't
know how to have a relationship with a guy without wanting to use
them. I feel empty and sad and useless to God. And it happened again
after church, after I repented, after I realized that I hurt the God I
love! I think it was good that he came up, because now I know how weak
I am in that area. He didn't want it to happen. I didn't want it to
happen. But I couldn't imagine it not happening. Before he came up, I
tried to picture his visit without it and I really couldn't. And only
because I wanted to use him like I have been used. We had a short
conversation about it last night (short for me - long for him) and I
realized that we will always just be friends. We made a pledge to not
let this happen when I see him again. I told him that the only time I
ever feel close to him is when we're intimate. He is a very guarded
person who hates displays of affection except when we're in the
bedroom. And I so desire to be close to him, but it seems like the
more physically intimate we become, the further I feel from him in the
end. We have a close friendship - he can talk about things with me
that he can't talk about with other people. And we get along really
well. I have absolutely no idea what he's feeling or thinking the
majority of the time (and this is SO hard because I'm a counselor! I'm
generally very good at reading people), and he has absolutely no idea
what I want. I have a pain in my heart because he just left, but when
he's here I get tired of the distance he puts between us. And it
always happens the same way! We don't touch for the entire first day
that he's here. And then night comes and we spoon and I become
addicted to his touch and then realize how much I have missed physical
intimacy and it goes from there. And then for the whole rest of the
time he's here I want to be next to him and touching him and he hates
PDA. I think those women who prayed for me were right. Sex drives two
people away when they are doing it in sin. He said that with his last
girlfriend, the more affection she gave him, the more he pulled away.
He can't change and I won't change. And the only reason I have a
broken heart is because we slept together. I care about hiim very
much, but he's teaching me that I have no idea what a regular, normal
relationship would even look like. I have known him for 4 years and
would consider him one of my closest friends. And still I can't help
but use him. And still there is a rift between us that maybe he
doesn't get. If you met him, you would understand. We are two
completely different people. And if you saw us in public you would
probably have no idea we were intimate. I think I admire him more for
he what he doesn't say than what he does, but at the same time I hate
him for being such an enigma. And he said that he cares about me
because I'm a good person. And I am. But I am so torn and it feels
like my heart has been broken into a million little pieces. At least
now I know that I'm not in love with him. I care about him so very
much and our relationship is growing. But I think part of the problem
is that we only see each other every 4 months - 3 times a year. So I
feel like I have to fit every bit of goodness into a 48-hour span. And
he moves gradually. I move VERY quickly, terrifyingly so for someone
like Dan. If we could spend just two days together without being
intimate, I really think that we would see that we either love each
other or can't stand one another. At this point, there's no telling.

Control

I'm always afraid it's gonna end with murder. There was a time in my life when I didn't need alcohol or sex to give me the illusion of control, but what did I do before then? Now that I have tasted both I don't know how to use other coping mechanisms. I am stuck. Maybe it's because I have never found a name for what happened to me. I was gang raped by my peers when I was 4. But is it called gang rape if they were under the age of 15? Is it rape at all or molestation?
All I know is that I don't trust anyone and the only way I know how to live safely is to manipulate and control people. Drinking made it okay, curtailed it a bit. I've never really liked hanging out with people unless it meant I was going to get something. And I feel like a murderer even though I haven't killed anyone. But could I? That seems to be the ultimate form of control, and I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. I went from being a teetotalling virgin to an alcoholic slut. I need to have sex very soon to avoid being out of control. I would rather be causing my lack of control by drinking too much or fucking someone to be in control than have this mind that won't let me rest. I want to be out of my mind. I can't live with this person anymore. And nothing I do will help. I really wanted to go to this party tonight but I'm punishing myself for being controlling. I'm not letting myself leave this room. I don't want murder to be next. Suicide is a better idea. I've been thinking about the notes I would write and how much the notes would hurt my family. I definitely don't want that to happen. But then I would hope that they understand if I explained it to them. I wonder if people know that I'm a ticking time bomb. I've never hurt anyone outside of my family, so that's not what I mean. But I feel like I could go off the deep end at any time. A psychiatric hospital won't help. The loss of control would make me go crazy. But when I have some control over my life I go crazy. I've discovered that maybe I'm just crazy. I have no earthly idea what it would look like to have a healthy sense of control. I'm jealous of people who know what this is. I'm the problem and I'm also the solution. It's the curse of being alive, I suppose. I don't feel safe anywhere or with anyone except when I'm in my room. I guess I feel safe with my family and with some choice people. I am a variety of things all rolled into one, bad things. But the more I isolate, the crazier I become.

Meditation

I think I have a cavity. I know that has nothing to do with meditation, but I am in a lot of pain. I need to schedule an appointment.
Anyway, I went to three AA meetings today! I talked to an amazing woman named Kris who validated me and made me feel like I'm not crazy or alone. I'm starting to accept that I'm an alcoholic - slowly but surely. And being in AA is making me less judgmental. It's pretty cool. I'm teaching the DUI class this week and I'm so excited!!! I'm going to apply for YOP in the summer - what great programs we have at CHC!