Drab

Today is a drab day. I convince myself that everything is fine when I'm off work and then go to another staff meeting and tell myself that I love interacting with as many people as possible. I am just now realizing that being fully emotionally present in counseling sessions really takes a toll on me. I need to have space and time to process afterwards and heal a bit of the parts that were stabbed with glass when I had my heart open during sessions. It's really hard to be the rock sometimes and I need to rely on God more, because I know that only He can fill me up and satisfy. But I don't take time for Him. I am so tired that I want to go to bed right now.
I'm afraid that I'm manipulating Dan because I have ulterior motives for hanging out with him. I feel like I'm deceiving him and that doesn't feel very good. I don't want to be subtly trying to control his actions meanwhile ignoring the fact that most times I want to talk to him so that he will grow to love me, so that he can be there for me. It's not fair for me to only want to talk to him on my terms. We're not even dating, but I am overanalyzing our relationship because I don't want to make him feel bad and I really care about him and want to make him aware that I may be manipulating him into having feelings for me. I think at first that's why I was talking to him - the first 2 years that I knew him. And now I feel better about that, because I think I do genuinely care for him now. That really really hurts. I try so hard not to. I thought that when he came down I was "cured" of him. But I just sometimes get so overwhelmed with how I feel about him that I can't think of anything else. And I get frustrated that he doesn't really want to talk about it. I know I'm overanalyzing it, but that's what I do. We're not dating but I wouldn't call us friends. I care so much about him but I sometimes want to cut off all contact with him because it gets to be too painful. Either way there would be pain though because he's far away. I wish he were here. I wish I was there. Well no I don't. I just get overwhelmed with these feelings sometimes, but they will subside. It's not at all about the sex - it's really about having feelings that I can't do anything with. They are just sitting inside of me getting stronger. I can't express them to him because he gets freaked out. I write songs about them sometimes but most end up sounding really creepy and I don't mean them to. I just hate feeling stuck in my feelings like this and feeling powerless to get over him. He represents more than just himself to me. I really think that he is like a father figure. He does this annoying thing where he waits to text me on purpose just because he knows I'm waiting for it. It really hurts more that he doesn't seem to understand why it's so painful for me sometimes. He points out that us not being in the same place is "reality" but that doesn't mean that it's any less painful. This feeling that there's nothing I can do about my feelings or the fact that he's not here is overwhelming at times.