Dan - Gah

Dan and I ended up sleeping together :( I knew it would happen. He
said that he feels like a serpent, but it wasn't his fault. I don't
know how to have a relationship with a guy without wanting to use
them. I feel empty and sad and useless to God. And it happened again
after church, after I repented, after I realized that I hurt the God I
love! I think it was good that he came up, because now I know how weak
I am in that area. He didn't want it to happen. I didn't want it to
happen. But I couldn't imagine it not happening. Before he came up, I
tried to picture his visit without it and I really couldn't. And only
because I wanted to use him like I have been used. We had a short
conversation about it last night (short for me - long for him) and I
realized that we will always just be friends. We made a pledge to not
let this happen when I see him again. I told him that the only time I
ever feel close to him is when we're intimate. He is a very guarded
person who hates displays of affection except when we're in the
bedroom. And I so desire to be close to him, but it seems like the
more physically intimate we become, the further I feel from him in the
end. We have a close friendship - he can talk about things with me
that he can't talk about with other people. And we get along really
well. I have absolutely no idea what he's feeling or thinking the
majority of the time (and this is SO hard because I'm a counselor! I'm
generally very good at reading people), and he has absolutely no idea
what I want. I have a pain in my heart because he just left, but when
he's here I get tired of the distance he puts between us. And it
always happens the same way! We don't touch for the entire first day
that he's here. And then night comes and we spoon and I become
addicted to his touch and then realize how much I have missed physical
intimacy and it goes from there. And then for the whole rest of the
time he's here I want to be next to him and touching him and he hates
PDA. I think those women who prayed for me were right. Sex drives two
people away when they are doing it in sin. He said that with his last
girlfriend, the more affection she gave him, the more he pulled away.
He can't change and I won't change. And the only reason I have a
broken heart is because we slept together. I care about hiim very
much, but he's teaching me that I have no idea what a regular, normal
relationship would even look like. I have known him for 4 years and
would consider him one of my closest friends. And still I can't help
but use him. And still there is a rift between us that maybe he
doesn't get. If you met him, you would understand. We are two
completely different people. And if you saw us in public you would
probably have no idea we were intimate. I think I admire him more for
he what he doesn't say than what he does, but at the same time I hate
him for being such an enigma. And he said that he cares about me
because I'm a good person. And I am. But I am so torn and it feels
like my heart has been broken into a million little pieces. At least
now I know that I'm not in love with him. I care about him so very
much and our relationship is growing. But I think part of the problem
is that we only see each other every 4 months - 3 times a year. So I
feel like I have to fit every bit of goodness into a 48-hour span. And
he moves gradually. I move VERY quickly, terrifyingly so for someone
like Dan. If we could spend just two days together without being
intimate, I really think that we would see that we either love each
other or can't stand one another. At this point, there's no telling.