Life

Every day I feel like I'm struggling to stay alive. I realized this weekend that the only model I have for healthy relationships is television and film. I am utterly at a loss when it comes to real live communication with people. I feel like I'm slowly killing myself and it really is a struggle to get my mind off of suicide every day. I just took 2 Ibuprofen and wondered what it would be like if I took the whole bottle. I'm sure that wouldn't be very pleasant. I don't feel like an incredible person. My whole life I've wanted to be famous, but instead I am a mediocre sadsack. I don't have many friends. I adore the good friends I do have, but most of the time I walk around trying to figure out how to be less lonely. It's a very sad existence. I don't know why I want to be famous - to feel like I matter? Dreaming of being famous was my way of escaping from reality when I was younger. I could never make myself fully present. I was always trying to run away in my head so I wouldn't have to deal with pain. Now I'm realizing that I do this more often than I previously thought. I jump to another country in my head, to another life that involves me being happy. I want everyone in the world to love me. I want to be a muse for people. But I'm lazy and don't really work for anything. I'm so caught up in my head and end up staying there. I know I have something to offer the world. Perhaps it's singing, perhaps it's acting, perhaps it's writing. I have absolutely no idea.
I've stopped eating. Well, not completely. I've stopped making food for myself really. I've lost 5 pounds, not intentionally but it feels good. I think this is my way of punishing myself and I'm afraid it's going to become something that destroys me. I need to always have something destroying me at all times. I'm trying to change, but it's very hard. Is it still anorexia if I just don't want to take the time to make food? I'm not doing it to lose weight really. I'm just lazy. And really I don't want to live for much longer. I will probably never commit suicide. Maybe life will magically get better. It sucks that when I'm so depressed I can't work on it, I really should be working on it - improving my life I mean.