Control

I'm always afraid it's gonna end with murder. There was a time in my life when I didn't need alcohol or sex to give me the illusion of control, but what did I do before then? Now that I have tasted both I don't know how to use other coping mechanisms. I am stuck. Maybe it's because I have never found a name for what happened to me. I was gang raped by my peers when I was 4. But is it called gang rape if they were under the age of 15? Is it rape at all or molestation?
All I know is that I don't trust anyone and the only way I know how to live safely is to manipulate and control people. Drinking made it okay, curtailed it a bit. I've never really liked hanging out with people unless it meant I was going to get something. And I feel like a murderer even though I haven't killed anyone. But could I? That seems to be the ultimate form of control, and I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. I went from being a teetotalling virgin to an alcoholic slut. I need to have sex very soon to avoid being out of control. I would rather be causing my lack of control by drinking too much or fucking someone to be in control than have this mind that won't let me rest. I want to be out of my mind. I can't live with this person anymore. And nothing I do will help. I really wanted to go to this party tonight but I'm punishing myself for being controlling. I'm not letting myself leave this room. I don't want murder to be next. Suicide is a better idea. I've been thinking about the notes I would write and how much the notes would hurt my family. I definitely don't want that to happen. But then I would hope that they understand if I explained it to them. I wonder if people know that I'm a ticking time bomb. I've never hurt anyone outside of my family, so that's not what I mean. But I feel like I could go off the deep end at any time. A psychiatric hospital won't help. The loss of control would make me go crazy. But when I have some control over my life I go crazy. I've discovered that maybe I'm just crazy. I have no earthly idea what it would look like to have a healthy sense of control. I'm jealous of people who know what this is. I'm the problem and I'm also the solution. It's the curse of being alive, I suppose. I don't feel safe anywhere or with anyone except when I'm in my room. I guess I feel safe with my family and with some choice people. I am a variety of things all rolled into one, bad things. But the more I isolate, the crazier I become.