Husband - Ish

This week I have been so overwhelmed with the connecting love and grace of the Father. In Hosea 2:16, He calls Himself our "ish" (husband). Hosea was a prophet called to marry Gomer, a prostitute, in order to show Israel that He will always be faithful and will always pursue us in spite of our idolatry and constant wandering away from His love. He never leaves us.

Over the past week, I have learned that I am not the kind of person that can sit on the floor for 3 hours at a time on my knees praying to the Lord. My number one prayer type is Agreement. I LOVE praying with other people. For years, I honestly thought that my gifts were just supposed to be for me. Not so! My gifts are for the Lord and were given to me to help encourage and build people up! What a beautiful world we live in - we are not all the same (praise Jesus). We need other people!

For me this is a time for ACTION. I am learning what my gifts are, learning how to use them, and learning how to use them in the body of Christ in fellowship with other people.

And my husband is right next to me :)

Here is what He says in Hosea:

"In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband";

you will no longer call me 'my master.'...

I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord."

Hosea 2:16, 19-20

Praise the Lord!

The Father is not a taskmaster looking down his nose at me waiting for me to make a mistake. I have had to learn this lesson over and over again. I hear God most not when I am sitting in my room by myself but when I am OUT DOING THINGS! I hear Him when I'm waitressing. I hear Him when I'm taking a walk. I hear Him when I'm hanging out with people.

 I know that the Holy Spirit is always with me, gently convicting me of things, speaking truth to my spirit, and reminding me that HE HAS BREATHED LIFE INTO ME! It brings me tears to write that because I was brought from death to life. I WAS DEAD IN MY SIN.

Colossians 2:13 says "You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins." 

Praise Jesus.

My husband does not expect me to be by myself sitting in my room only hanging out with Him all the time. And if I married someone like that, I would be incredibly bored. Certainly, time with God needs to be a priority. But He has created me to move and live and breathe and dance and sing and give y'all hugs and kisses and encourage and grow and cry and go on walks with people and LOVE.

He does not want me to be isolated. He is a jealous God, but this does not mean that He only delights in me when I am alone with Him. He has created me to glorify Him in so many different ways. 

May the glory of the Lord continue forever!

    The Lord takes pleasure in all he has made!

Psalm 104:31 

When the Holy Spirit reveals my idols, man is it painful. But there is SO MUCH HOPE knowing that my God always calls me back to Him and shows me truth. Just as Hosea did not abandon Gomer, He will not stop pursuing me. 

"'For your Maker is your husband - the LORD Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young only to be rejected,' says your God."

Isaiah 54:5-6

From Praying the Names of God - "God is the perfect husband - loving, forgiving, and faithful, providing for and protecting his people. This metaphor of monogamous marriage between God and his people is strengthened in the New Testament, which reveals Jesus as the loving, sacrificial bridegroom of the church. Our destiny, our greatest purpose as God's people, is to become his bride."

No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate.

But you will be called Hephzibah [meaning "my delight is in her"], 

and your land Beulah [meaning "married"];

Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight”
    and “The Bride of God,”

for the Lord delights in you
    and will claim you as his bride...
5 
Then God will rejoice over you
    as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.

Isaiah 62:4-5

When Things Don't Go As Planned

*Written on June 26, 2014*

I came up to Penn State as a freshman ready to start fresh and wipe my slate clean from the wreckage I had already begun to create with my drinking behavior. I started drinking my senior year of high school and made promises to myself and (in the form of a speech) to my classmates and AP English teacher that my time at Penn State would be free from the consequences of my drinking.

I found out that I can neither wipe my own slate clean nor can I make the decision to moderate my drinking. My own effort is not sufficient to arrest my addictive behavior. I have to look to God to help me when I can't help myself. He kept me alive throughout those days and again in the suicidal thoughts that came with my relapse. I would hear His voice when I was alone and away from the pull of sex and alcohol. My apologies became more like pleas for help to get me out of this life I had created for myself. Abba told me to start living for Him rather than simply apologizing all the time. I didn't know how to get out of it. I was surrounded by parties and the "if-it-feels-good" life that I had grown up seeing on TV.

My attempts at sobriety through my own efforts lasted for a few months in college. Then I would find a need to escape and get roped back into the partying lifestyle all over again. I didn't have a problem with alcohol or sex. I had a problem with reality; I wanted to escape it and run from all of the negative feelings that drove me further and further away from connecting with people and with God. I wanted to numb myself to the point where feelings wouldn't affect me. When I got sober for the first time, the hardest part about early sobriety was having to sit in my feelings for the first time instead of trying to escape them. The second time around, the hardest part was pushing out suicidal thoughts that came in like a wave with the alcohol that flowed through my body. Spiritual warfare was happening inside my mind, and I am glad that my Savior always comes through and comes out victorious in those deep moments of despair.

I didn't expect to relapse, but the notion that I can drink again comes like a wave when I am in emotional pain. I know this now, and I know that the remedy is simply to keep pushing through. I must feed myself, I must get sleep, I must pray, I must surround myself with healthy people, and I must have faith that things will get better.

My self-centered behavior meant treating people like they were a means to an end - things to use and get a high from. I am still self-centered. I am working on not being so entitled. The first step is to recognize it. My pastor said recently that "the central defect of evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge the sin." For years I wanted to push down my sins and cover them up with addictive behavior that came out of lies about myself.

The first step of the twelve steps says that "we admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." After my relapse, I began to realize that I can't have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and I can't get sober without working a program. More than anything, I want to have a good relationship with Abba. I want to live a life free of the things that block me from wanting to seek Him.

Abba gave me more than I could handle last year with a string of heartbreaking things that happened all at once and threatened to change the life I knew. I got drunk to cope, and I am slowly being brought to a place of humility one day at a time. I know now that I had to be brought to a place of hopelessness in order to see the hope set before me.

"...Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us."
Hebrews 16:18b

My greatest point of weaknesses (my addictions) are the exact places that I know God will use me to minister to others if I move forward in gratitude. I am grateful that

"[His] power is made perfect in weakness."
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

The answer is surrender to Jesus, not perfection.

The Lord Will Provide - Yahweh Yireh

God is scary to me. I think that's because I associate him with an abusive father like my own biological father. He seems angry, distant, and demanding. This is the God that I see in the Old Testament as I am reading through it. That's why I've decided to write about an aspect of God's character each week. My purpose in life is to bring God glory in whatever way I can, and I want to get to know Him apart from the preconceived notions I have about Him.

This week I learned about Yahweh Yireh - the God who provides. During the time that the Old Testament was written (by the Divine inspiration of God - 2 Timothy 3:16-17), names were very important. Throughout the Old Testament, there are different names attributed to God that help us to learn more about who He is. In Praying the Names of God, Ann Spangler brings up the point that 

"to know God's name is to enjoy a kind of privileged access to him. By revealing his name, God made himself not only accessible but vulnerable." 

God reveals Yahweh Yireh in Genesis 22:13-14. It is in these verses that God provides a ram for Abraham to sacrifice instead of his son, Isaac.

This week, I saw the truth that God will provide for me.

Since I was 16, I have had a car of my own. This means that I have been afforded certain privileges. I can go where I want to when I want to. I am afforded a certain degree of privacy and can listen to whatever music I want to. I have the luxury of independence.

After this week, I have learned a couple of things about God. He is my Provider and He is my Connector. Since I have a car, I don't often have to depend on people in this way. I value my independence and enjoy doing what I want to do.

Last week, I had to have my car towed because it's having some engine issues. This was the first time in a while that I had to acknowledge I couldn't do things on my own. I need community. I need people. I need to trust God for provision. I was forced to ask for help. And people helped! God has surrounded me with an amazing, loving, generous community of friends. It is incredibly difficult to ask for help, especially when I am so used to doing everything on my own. But I asked for help and my friend is letting me borrow her car for the week (thank you Katy). God never intended for me to do this thing alone. When I am in need, it reminds me how much I need God and how much I need other people!

I really wanted God to provide me with a new car or the money to buy a new car. But He provided something even better - He provided me with community and a reminder that I am loved! He knows exactly what I need. I don't need a million dollars. I need Him first and community second. 

Another thing that happened this week is that my mom is no longer able to come up to take care of me after I have my wisdom teeth out. This was very hard, but again this gently reminded me that God has provided fellowship, love, and support within the context of  my community of friends. It is easy to ask for help from my family (most of the time). It is not easy to ask for help from my friends. God has been lavishly showing me His love through other people. My life group has been amazing. I have a dear friend who is driving me to surgery and other friends who are taking care of me afterward . My brother is driving 7 hours to take care of me over the weekend.

I have not been able to afford new clothes for the past 4 years. God always provides me with new clothes when I need them. I love hand-me-downs! Putting clothes together is like painting and allows me to be creative with what God has given me.

The way that God provides is often through other people. May I learn to be someone who can provide for other people through what God has given me. In every situation, there is always something to be grateful for. Today, I am grateful that I can trust God's provision and that I can truly be grateful in every circumstance.

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19

Robin Williams

I haven't written a post in a while, but I needed to get some things out.

Robin Williams' death didn't really hit me until I read a friend's status that pinpointed exactly the feeling of terror that I was trying to suppress. I didn't want to acknowledge that his death (by apparent suicide) hit close to home. As a child, I enjoyed so many of his performances. Dead Poets Society is my favorite movie, and I grew up with Mrs. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Jack, Jumanji, and Hook. He was truly a talented man who seemed to give back so much to others.

He was very open about his struggle with addiction. In 2003, he relapsed after 20 years of sobriety. That is absolutely terrifying to me, because it is a reminder that this disease never gives up. People say that when you pick up again, you end up right back where you left off with drinking. I don't know if alcohol was a factor in his death. It's believed that he died by asphyxiation and there will be an autopsy done today. This is jarring to me because when I relapsed last year I had fantasies of hanging myself from a tree with my bedsheets. Suicidal thoughts controlled my mind. While I am still not entirely free from them, after a year of sobriety I feel that I have victory over these thoughts because I can hear the Holy Spirit, and I know who Jesus is when I'm sober. But I will never be free from the possibility of picking up a drink again. It is very scary to think that Robin Williams did what I wanted to do just a year ago.

I think that there's a common misconception that joy and despair cannot exist in the same person. In my short life, I have found that my despair has informed my joy. I know what life is like when I am in the pit of despair, and I really believe that my joy comes out of the reality of who I was and who I could be without Jesus. Those who have experienced deep wells of pain experience deep wells of joy that overflow into others' lives.

When I am drunk, the great despair takes over. A cloud of darkness consumes and controls my mind. The worst parts of myself run rampant through my mind. My sins come up and I isolate. This is also what happens when I do not nurture my sobriety and do the things that I know will keep me sober.

My addiction comes out in other ways - in a frenetic grasping for attention and control over things and people. For Robin Williams, I imagine it was the same. He talked about alcohol addiction in a 2006 interview with Diane Sawyer and said "“It waits,” he said. “It lays in wait for the time when you think, ‘It’s fine now, I’m OK.’ Then, the next thing you know, it’s not OK.”

I am terrified. This really hits home. It's not enough to write or talk about my struggles. It requires daily work. Often, I am too lazy to put in the effort and then end up despairing.

I am so grateful for Robin Williams' transparency about his addiction and struggles with depression. I hope that it terrifies more people than just me. It is a reminder that I am no different. I am just one drink away from complete despair. I'm hoping that we can celebrate his life, learn from his struggles, and remember the joy that he brought people.

I have a desire to disconnect from the situation - from the reality of his pain and where it brought him. It is too hard to remember what it was like in that place where suicide seemed the only way out. And in a way, that's good, because I don't want to get lost in a spiral of thoughts that lead me away from sanity. I suppose that's why I needed to write this - to make sure that I didn't sit on the fears and the thoughts. It helps to put my insanity in writing. Thanks for reading.

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A Poem About Surrender

I must have written this last year, and I just found it in my notebook. I believe that poetry is meant to be shared, so here it is:

"Holed up inside myself,
Fears of abandonment
Hurting my health.
Choking back tears
To numb the pain,
Desiring sleep
As means of escape.
I feel trapped in this,
Pleading the fifth.
I don't know how
To do this relationship.
Covering wounds
With see-through tape.
Enclosing this heart
Behind steel grates.
Can't let you in.
I want you to know what's wrong
But I can't win.
I feel my sins from the past
Creeping up close, touching my nose,
Making me feel like
I'll never know
The love of a man
'Cause of all that I've done.
I'm feeling so bad
Like the enemy's won.
And then I can see You
Holding out Your hand,
Pleading for my heart,
Waiting for my stand.
I'm letting you into
No-man's land."

Disconnection vs. Connection

I had the day off of work today, and I watched 10 episodes of Cheers.

Now, considering that I'm an alcoholic, it's not the best idea to watch a show set in a bar. But what was even unhealthier was my fueling disconnection by attempting to numb myself with television.

This year, I am striving to make more choices to foster connection rather than disconnection. So far, it has been going well. Today was a minor setback, but I'm getting back up. I get energy from other people, but I become afraid of connecting with people after a bout of disconnection that involves filling my brain with lies about who I am.

A couple of years ago, my number one way to disconnect was to sleep with someone. Sex outside of marriage gives the illusion of connection and intimacy (which is what I was looking for), but it fosters disconnection by keeping the sexual act separate from the covenant of marriage for which it was created. It reduces sex to a physical act rather than the full union it is supposed to be.

For me, I know that it is impossible to stay sober if I sleep with someone. I may be able to keep from drinking, but the very act of sleeping with someone will derail my sobriety and all of the step work that I have been doing. I am very grateful that God has protected me from making the choice to disconnect in this way in the past couple of years. It has certainly not been easy.

I am grateful that my guilt and shame have been wiped away. I no longer look at my past behavior as a black mark on my life. I made unwise decisions, because I was looking for something I didn't realize I had in Jesus.

Intimacy takes time to grow. Connection takes time to foster. It takes hard work to willingly choose something that is not going to give me instant gratification.

I no longer see myself as an object, and I'm working on not seeing men as objects. It is not impossible, because nothing is impossible with Jesus. It will take work. It will mean surrendering my conception of intimacy and embracing truth.

When I get wrapped up in watching TV and movies that tell me I need a man to make everything better, I forget that I already know the man who wiped away my sins and made my sins like snow.

"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. 
Isaiah 1:18

This year, I am determined to find out that the intimacy that Jesus offers is much better than anything I have ever experienced.