This is Not a Fairy Tale

No day is a fairy tale when you're in recovery. Guilt washes over me on some days and I look for ways of punishing myself. Usually my way to do so is to separate myself from other people or avoid looking at my sin by pointing out others' flaws in my head. It provides a good distraction but only ends up feeding my shame in the end.

I never wanted to live this long. Some days when I'm feeling more positive, I think about what a gift life is. But that doesn't happen every day. I spent my life trying to punish myself as a means to avoid pain and healing. Working through recovery and healing means that I have to stay still for long periods of time when everything in me wants to run away. My unhealthy coping mechanisms have morphed into starving myself or avoiding God or sitting on my bed not doing anything for fear that I will mess something up and do something wrong (which is inevitable). I despise my humanity and my depravity. My heart is not a pretty thing. And on days when I want to punish myself, it becomes hard to sit with myself. 

Shame has this awful way of worming its way into my head and telling me what a horrible person I am. It drives me away from the Bible and from God's presence because I'm afraid to look at myself. Time away from God (because of shame) makes me forget what it was like to look at Jesus. It seems like I will never get it right. Impulsive behavior is not conducive to healthy things like eating every day and getting adequate sleep, because that would mean forming healthy habits. It is a struggle to do things to keep myself alive, things that I am responsible for now that I am an adult. This cocoon of shame and defeat is familiar and the lies are safe compared to the newness of freedom and truth. The jail of my mind gives me the illusion of protection. 

I can give myself trite answers to my paralysis that only make me feel more alone. If I just read this verse or spend time talking to God, it will all be better. And when it's not, when it's harder than that because life is a progression, I want to give up and sink into depravity. I make the decision of how to run my own life and I fail time and time again because deep down I don't want to be here. When I was a kid, I thought life was like the movies. I wanted to be rich and famous because I thought that would turn me into a 2-D person on a TV screen that was playing a role and getting attention. I didn't want to live in reality. I still don't want to live in reality. I don't want to be responsible for myself.

It sucks when I know what the answer is. It's developing healthy habits and spending time with the Lord. It's easy for me to pinpoint what I need to do. Putting it into action is nearly impossible especially when inaction sends me into a shame spiral. If I act in a way that shows that I care about myself every day, then that means I will be without excuse. And I get a lot out of being selfish. Focusing on my problems gives me an excuse to avoid loving other people which keeps me from having to be vulnerable and intimate with people. It seems like a win-win but eventually just ends up making me feel like the only friends I have are Elliott, JD, Dr. Cox, Turk, and Carla. TV shows provide this illusion that I have the capability to be in relationships and understand people. Reality is that they are 2-dimensional characters who are playing a part. It is a one-sided relationship in which I get to avoid my problems for 2 hours at a time and get sucked into the lives of people who don't even exist. And I just end up feeling sorry for myself in the end, like I did after a drunken night or violent acting out as a kid.

It is a constant battle in my mind to simultaneously avoid doing things that will destroy me while trying to do things that will build me up and encourage my spirit.

And this is my reminder to hope even when I don't feel like doing anything. David ministered to his spirit and sometimes I need to do the same thing.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:5

I Forgot About Grace

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you."
1 Peter 5:10

Until very recently, I didn't want to be responsible for my life. I wanted to be catered to and treated like the queen I thought I was. I was entitled and looked at what was lacking and how much better I deserved. I thought it was everyone's job to make me feel comfortable. Gratitude wasn't even a blip on my radar growing up. Even though I was taught to say thank you to people as a kid, it didn't sink in when people sacrificed for me that they were giving something up. Everything was about me. And I believed that I deserved all the things people gave me and more. It is taking a DAILY awareness of this to help me realize how much I need God.

I want to believe so badly that I can earn grace, so that I can learn to be perfect and not have to acknowledge my sin. But I can't. That's the point of grace.

The truth is that none of us deserve grace.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."
Ephesians 2:8-9

This is a hard concept for me to grasp on days when I think I'm awesome. I am slowly learning that everything good in me comes from God. 

I have walked around with a chip on my shoulder my whole life and thought that I must be special because God spared me and kept me alive after I tried to destroy myself for years. So I felt special. I was forgetting the part that He didn't have to. He chose to because He loves me and He chose to extend grace because that is His character.

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus."
1 Timothy 1:14

When I get a glimpse of my sin, it makes sense why Jesus had to die - my sin alone would have been too much to bear. Anyone would have been crushed under its weight. When I get a glimpse into my sin and remember my depravity, I am so glad that's not the end of the story. I deserved death and hell and got a new chance instead - grace and forgiveness.

"For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!"
Romans 5:17

Life is becoming SO much more precious now that I'm beginning to see it as a GIFT rather than something I deserve. I am learning that entitlement and gratitude cannot co-exist. And I am just beginning to learn the necessity of DAILY repentance.

Today, I live in His grace. That is a promise that will never ever become untrue. Christ has forgiven me forever, and there is nothing that can take that truth away.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace."
Ephesians 1:7

"But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet."
1 Thessalonians 5:8

My Savior Knight in Shining Armor - Strongholds and Lies

When I was a little girl, and I felt unsafe, I would imagine that a knight in shining armor - a man who loved me and could heal my heart - would be the answer to all my problems. This was my addiction, thinking about my perfect man to right all of my wrongs and make everything right in the world. Whenever I felt upset, I would imagine this movie star life with him - a life where I wouldn't have to worry about money or any other person but my knight. I would be catered to and worshiped, and I would be protected because he was with me and had rescued me. He wasn't actually a person to me. He was an amalgamation of all the handsome men I latched onto in my fantasy world. His appearance wasn't what mattered as much as his heart. He always knew how to respond to me and would drop anything to be with me and save me. Thinking of this knight and this famous life was the number one way that I escaped the pain of the moment. It was my ticket out of whatever hell I was experiencing. It was my way to cope and protect myself. I would be famous and impenetrable - incapable of being hurt again. 

How do lies take shape in our minds? How are strongholds built up? A stronghold is any argument or pretension that "sets itself up against the knowledge of God." (2 Corinthians 10:5 and Beth Moore's Praying God's Word).

 "A stronghold is anything that exalts itself in our minds, 'pretending' to be bigger or more powerful than our God. It steals much of our focus and calls us to feel overpowered....it is something that consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that abundant life is strangled - our callings remain largely unfulfilled and our believing lives are virtually ineffective. Needless to say, these are the enemy's precise goals." 
- Praying God's Word by Beth Moore

Unfortunately, I don't recognize the lies of idolatry until after I have a hysterical episode. Tears can be very healing and very telling. When I can't stop crying and cannot get my mind off of something, I know that my tears are about more than grief. Idols are not easy to kill. Especially ones that have been there since childhood. My mind is weak when I haven't spent time with the Lord, and that is the prime time for these lies to start to re-surface and the enemy to start moving in my mind.

The trouble with strongholds is that they look so much like truth that without daily time spent immersed in the Word (Truth) and in the Lord's presence, they grow from seedlings to oak trees in a small amount of time and can wreak havoc in every area of your life.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
1 Peter 5:8

On the night that I relapsed after 2 and a half years of sobriety back in July, I was listening to the enemy more than I was listening to God. His voice was so slick and suave and it sounded more true to me than the reality of who I am in Christ. He was a serpent whispering in my ear, and I followed his voice right into the bottle.

He used an old fear of mine that was triggered by the end of a relationship - fear of being alone and unwanted, rejected and abandoned. I overheard a male coworker telling another guy that he didn't like girls with tattoos. 

And that was the trigger. I believed that my knight-in-shining armor was lost forever. 

I felt unwanted by Christian men and unwanted by men of the world. I felt hopeless and like the lie of being alone was coming true. And that started off a spewing of lies in my head that were sadly so much more true to me than God's Truth because I hadn't been immersing myself in the Word. Alcohol became the only thing that I could find "hope" in. After that, anything that hurt me that night at work became an excuse for me to take one step towards a drink. A customer irritated me - that was fine because I was going to get drunk. Somebody said something to hurt my feelings - the bottle would fix that.

When an old idol comes back to haunt you, it is hard to get it out of your head if you haven't been actively doing battle by soaking in the Truth of who Jesus is and who you are as a result. The enemy has had me targeted since I was 4 years old. He has tried everything to push me down and keep me from seeing myself through God's eyes. And he is not going to win.

Without Jesus, I get caught up in believing that I can do things on my own. I tell myself that I've got it, and then a week goes by, and I'm feeling drawn towards my old knight-in-shining-armor idea. My escape mechanisms become harder to pinpoint and recognize until the hysteria exposes itself for what it really is - a big fat lie gone out of control. 

The truth is that Jesus is my knight-in-shining-armor. I'd like to say that my mind has completely grasped that concept, but I am only just starting to see this as a lie. He has a lot of work to do in me yet. I have been jumping off the altar and off the "operating table," as a friend likes to say. 

What does it mean to jump off the operating table? It means convincing myself I can do this on my own. It means finding other things to do rather than talk to God. It means believing lies because that's easier and I'm used to them. It means pretending like nothing's wrong. It means HIDING, something that I used to do ALL the time. It means putting my sobriety before Christ.


Here are some more gems of truth from Praying God's Word.

"As long as our minds rehearse the strength of our stronghold more than the strength of our God, we will be impotent. As we pray the Word of God acknowledging His limitless strength and transcendent dominion, Truth will begin to eclipse the lies. We will realize that in our weakness He is strong and that as we bend the knee to His lordship God is more than able to deliver us." 

“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
    and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,    nor will there be one after me.
11 I, even I, am the Lord,
    and apart from me there is no savior.
12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
    I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.
(Isaiah 43:10-12)

Working through strongholds is a process. I wish that in one day I could pray this stuff out of my head but it requires healing over time. I need the help of the prayer team (ask me if you don't know what that is), DAILY time with God, therapy,  church community, prayer, eating, getting enough sleep, and choosing to live out of truth even if it doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping that next time around I spot this lie seed rooted in my mind before it becomes an oak tree.

Real Intimacy

I sat next to a woman on the plane ride from St. Louis to Washington, DC. Barb lost her husband four years ago. She was in her mid-fifties and had a joyous glow about her. I knew that she was a believer even before she pulled out "Jesus Calling" and we had a discussion about it. My Abba put her next to me to encourage me. She had lost her husband unexpectedly and still got up every day to make time for her Abba - at 530 every morning she got up and spent time with Him.

Something broke in me this weekend. I had the opportunity to sin in ways that bound me before. And I chose the healthier path. I chose not to give into temptation, and I chose not to sin. The only way I could have learned that I am not the person I used to be, that I am indeed a new creation, is by the Lord putting me in a situation where I would be forced to make a decision between my flesh and my spirit. I have values and an identity in Christ that keeps me out of the behaviors I engaged in through college.
Up until then, I didn't trust myself. I haven't engaged in some behaviors in almost 2 years, and still I thought I was that person even though that was never who I was! I was behaving out of LIES.

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Galatians 5:24

When I surrendered to Jesus, I was immediately cloaked in righteousness.

I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
Isaiah 61:10

 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
Galatians 3:26 - 27

The Lord is softening my heart in ways I haven't let Him before. I consciously have blocked out His voice at times for fear that He would reject or hurt me. When you have experienced trauma, it is hard to believe that the Lord knocks and asks to be invited in, because there are people who have not been so kind and have forced their way over boundaries. The Lord is not a person, and He respects our boundaries.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:20

We choose to open the door. The Lord never forces His way in. He is a perfect gentleman, and He desires for all of us to be whole and healed. In time, I am learning that He is my rock and support. The Lord has given me the courage and ability to set boundaries to protect myself and others. He is safe and provides a peaceful refuge for our spirit.

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Romans 8:6

Once I realized that I was too exhausted to fight Him any longer about who I am in Christ and how He looks at me, I experienced a freedom. I CAN choose how to behave. I CAN have values and standards. I CAN keep promises to myself. With Jesus, we are no longer slaves to sin. Over and over again I was waking up every day and putting on the same filthy rags, believing the same useless lies about myself, and feeling stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing and breaking promises to myself. Over and over again I tried to prove God wrong. Over and over again I rejected His gift, because I wanted to feel whole. I didn't realize that being whole means having Him! I already am whole because of Him! I need His word to remind me of truth, I need His presence to give me assignments and remind me that He's real even if I can't see Him, I need His voice to guide me and UN-shame me, working me through the process of sanctification. I need to stay in communication with Him so I don't think I can do it on my own, and I need to thank Him so I can remember that HE is much better and more satisfying than the cheap intimacy I discovered in college.

NOTHING can replace intimacy with the Lord. It is what we were created for, and what we ultimately desire. I used to think that this intimacy had to look a certain way - I had to spend 3 hours a night with God and be completely silent. Those times have their place, but I don't believe that's how He created me. I hear Him at work and when I'm on walks, when I'm riding my bike, and sometimes when I'm in the midst of conversation (if I'm really listening hard). I am fortunate to have grown up in the church, because I am reminded of verses that I memorized as a kid. He is not looking for a formulaic way for me to pray to Him. He is not looking for "thees" and "thous" and "Our Father"s. He wants us to turn to Him when we're sad, rejoice with Him when we're happy, and really listen for His voice. I am so glad that my circumstances broke me to the point where I could see the blazing neon arrow pointing me towards Christ, the only One who will truly satisfy my soul.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Matthew 28:20

Alcoholism and New Life

I have been sober for 24 days today!

 I hadn't had a drink in two and a half years before I relapsed the first time, but I had not been living sober in that period of sobriety. I was living as a dry drunk.  I wasn't consistently going to meetings and wasn't completely dedicated to the program. This basically means that I had the thinking patterns of an active alcoholic while not drinking. It's a bus that I don't want to go on again. I was incredibly arrogant because of my belief that I had pulled myself up by my bootstraps to get myself sober. I would say with my mouth how great God was for lifting me out of the pit, meanwhile believing that I was so awesome for doing so myself. I wasn't working on sobriety consistently. I was my own best PR representative - encouraging people to tell me how honest and strong I was while wavering between arrogance and fear that I didn't quite measure up under the surface. A friend told me recently that it's pretty boring to paint with two colors: fear and pride. I love color, and I tend to slip into this black-and-white perspective place. Working on it.

I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease. And though relapsing took some things from me, it was completely necessary to relapse in order to prove to myself that I am, in fact, an alcoholic.
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."
Psalm 119:71
The scary thing about my recent relapse is that both times, I got drunk alone and provided a red carpet entry for the enemy to feed me lies and attack my mind. That is what alcohol does to me. When I was in active drinking and addiction in college, I was mostly surrounded by other people who were also getting drunk save for one time near the end when I got drunk alone. For the first time, I am doing many more healthy things than unhealthy things in my life only by the grace of God. Many people relapse and don't come back. I am very very fortunate to be surrounded by friends who recognize lies when they come spewing out of my mouth.

My alcoholism is not a behavioral problem, it is a thinking problem. I am being "transformed by the renewing of [my] mind in Christ Jesus." (Romans 12:2) It's hard to see when I'm in the middle of it, but I know that I'm healthier even after a month and handling things much differently than before.

For a while, I was unsure of whether it was okay to be in a program that isn't overtly Christian but "spiritual." They help me and they are really increasing my awareness of God and even how He moves in the lives of those who are unaware and don't believe in Him. It is really beautiful to see. I am so grateful for others who are open with their struggles. Here are the promises I can hope for if I stick to my program:

"1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.

2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God." (Romans 8:20-21)

3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
2 Corinthians 7:10

4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. *This is a hard one for me now*
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
Isaiah 26:3

5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Isaiah 43:18-19

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. "

I'm working for them, and now I know that I can't do it alone! I haven't yet started working through the steps, but soon I will :)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
(Hebrews 12:1-2)

For more information about what a "dry drunk" is, go here.

Also, this book is changing my life:



*I am not a saint but a "trusted servant." I am a struggler and a fighter. And I need to remember that it is God working in and through me - it has nothing to do with  me but with the gift of new life that He has chosen to give me!

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:13 - 14

Empathy

My number one strength is Empathy according to the Strengths Finder test I took in 2012. As a counselor for people in some pretty tough situations, I have to remain present with clients in the moment and process later. Most times it's not the situation that I have to process later but the feelings and personal fears that came up as I was listening. There are a myriad of emotions that I experience in a day. Sometimes I struggle to see this as a strength.  I am aware of how people are feeling constantly. With time, I am learning how not to make myself responsible for people's feelings. When they become overwhelming, I turn to my own for comfort and can sometimes get lost in my own feelings in an attempt to disconnect from others' pain.

When someone who is close to me is in pain, I have to experience their pain in pieces. I have a sensitive spirit and have to remind myself to be careful about how I enlist my  feelings. If I know something big is coming up emotion-wise, I almost need to ration them to keep from going crazy.

I do see it as a gift sometimes. Recently The Lord has put people on my heart to experience emotion for and pray for. It is really a beautiful thing because I feel like I am connecting with the heart of God in those times. And He sees all of my tears. It is something I can't explain but sometimes I am overwhelmed with an emotion that is not my own. Those times are sweet because it seems like I am crying God's tears for people. And I feel like I have a job to do for people who can't talk about what they're going through and can't express their emotions.

Because I am so sensitive to how other people are feeling, I get bogged down. When I am not spending time with The Lord asking Him to breathe on my gift, I can get in a place where I have to make sure everyone around me feels good so that I can feel good. I manipulate with my words so friends don't rock my already unsteady feelings boat with their own feelings. When I am overwhelmed or stressed, I get so lost in my own feelings that it becomes overwhelming. It helps to surround myself with people who speak positive truth. Otherwise it feels like I am rowing in the dark alone in a cave with bats and snakes.

 One of my gifts is also "Restorative," and so I gravitate towards what can be fixed or restored in myself and other people. Since another strength is "Positivity," I see negativity as the thing that needs to be fixed oftentimes. So I mull over my negativity in the cave until I get up and do something else or surround myself with other people to get out of it.

And I need to be around other people to get out of it! It is really cool to me that we all have different strengths and gifts and experience them differently. I believe that anyone's gifts/strengths can be used for selfish gain or to help people. More and more I am trying to use my gifts to help people, and it seems like an even longer process than my recovery!

Pain

When you love someone

And they're far away,

And the broken words

That you used to say

Hurt so much

That you cannot speak,

Tears will do

When you're feeling weak.

When the days that pass

Seem longer still

'Til you heal from this

And your spirit's filled,

You will want to hide

And shout and swear

'Cause the pain is deep

And too much to bear.

So you must press on

To the prize ahead,

Pick up your feet,

'Cause you are not dead.

Look to Jesus.

He will provide

The strength you need

To last the night.