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A Poem About Surrender

I must have written this last year, and I just found it in my notebook. I believe that poetry is meant to be shared, so here it is:

"Holed up inside myself,
Fears of abandonment
Hurting my health.
Choking back tears
To numb the pain,
Desiring sleep
As means of escape.
I feel trapped in this,
Pleading the fifth.
I don't know how
To do this relationship.
Covering wounds
With see-through tape.
Enclosing this heart
Behind steel grates.
Can't let you in.
I want you to know what's wrong
But I can't win.
I feel my sins from the past
Creeping up close, touching my nose,
Making me feel like
I'll never know
The love of a man
'Cause of all that I've done.
I'm feeling so bad
Like the enemy's won.
And then I can see You
Holding out Your hand,
Pleading for my heart,
Waiting for my stand.
I'm letting you into
No-man's land."

Disconnection vs. Connection

I had the day off of work today, and I watched 10 episodes of Cheers.

Now, considering that I'm an alcoholic, it's not the best idea to watch a show set in a bar. But what was even unhealthier was my fueling disconnection by attempting to numb myself with television.

This year, I am striving to make more choices to foster connection rather than disconnection. So far, it has been going well. Today was a minor setback, but I'm getting back up. I get energy from other people, but I become afraid of connecting with people after a bout of disconnection that involves filling my brain with lies about who I am.

A couple of years ago, my number one way to disconnect was to sleep with someone. Sex outside of marriage gives the illusion of connection and intimacy (which is what I was looking for), but it fosters disconnection by keeping the sexual act separate from the covenant of marriage for which it was created. It reduces sex to a physical act rather than the full union it is supposed to be.

For me, I know that it is impossible to stay sober if I sleep with someone. I may be able to keep from drinking, but the very act of sleeping with someone will derail my sobriety and all of the step work that I have been doing. I am very grateful that God has protected me from making the choice to disconnect in this way in the past couple of years. It has certainly not been easy.

I am grateful that my guilt and shame have been wiped away. I no longer look at my past behavior as a black mark on my life. I made unwise decisions, because I was looking for something I didn't realize I had in Jesus.

Intimacy takes time to grow. Connection takes time to foster. It takes hard work to willingly choose something that is not going to give me instant gratification.

I no longer see myself as an object, and I'm working on not seeing men as objects. It is not impossible, because nothing is impossible with Jesus. It will take work. It will mean surrendering my conception of intimacy and embracing truth.

When I get wrapped up in watching TV and movies that tell me I need a man to make everything better, I forget that I already know the man who wiped away my sins and made my sins like snow.

"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. 
Isaiah 1:18

This year, I am determined to find out that the intimacy that Jesus offers is much better than anything I have ever experienced.

This is Not a Fairy Tale

No day is a fairy tale when you're in recovery. Guilt washes over me on some days and I look for ways of punishing myself. Usually my way to do so is to separate myself from other people or avoid looking at my sin by pointing out others' flaws in my head. It provides a good distraction but only ends up feeding my shame in the end.

I never wanted to live this long. Some days when I'm feeling more positive, I think about what a gift life is. But that doesn't happen every day. I spent my life trying to punish myself as a means to avoid pain and healing. Working through recovery and healing means that I have to stay still for long periods of time when everything in me wants to run away. My unhealthy coping mechanisms have morphed into starving myself or avoiding God or sitting on my bed not doing anything for fear that I will mess something up and do something wrong (which is inevitable). I despise my humanity and my depravity. My heart is not a pretty thing. And on days when I want to punish myself, it becomes hard to sit with myself. 

Shame has this awful way of worming its way into my head and telling me what a horrible person I am. It drives me away from the Bible and from God's presence because I'm afraid to look at myself. Time away from God (because of shame) makes me forget what it was like to look at Jesus. It seems like I will never get it right. Impulsive behavior is not conducive to healthy things like eating every day and getting adequate sleep, because that would mean forming healthy habits. It is a struggle to do things to keep myself alive, things that I am responsible for now that I am an adult. This cocoon of shame and defeat is familiar and the lies are safe compared to the newness of freedom and truth. The jail of my mind gives me the illusion of protection. 

I can give myself trite answers to my paralysis that only make me feel more alone. If I just read this verse or spend time talking to God, it will all be better. And when it's not, when it's harder than that because life is a progression, I want to give up and sink into depravity. I make the decision of how to run my own life and I fail time and time again because deep down I don't want to be here. When I was a kid, I thought life was like the movies. I wanted to be rich and famous because I thought that would turn me into a 2-D person on a TV screen that was playing a role and getting attention. I didn't want to live in reality. I still don't want to live in reality. I don't want to be responsible for myself.

It sucks when I know what the answer is. It's developing healthy habits and spending time with the Lord. It's easy for me to pinpoint what I need to do. Putting it into action is nearly impossible especially when inaction sends me into a shame spiral. If I act in a way that shows that I care about myself every day, then that means I will be without excuse. And I get a lot out of being selfish. Focusing on my problems gives me an excuse to avoid loving other people which keeps me from having to be vulnerable and intimate with people. It seems like a win-win but eventually just ends up making me feel like the only friends I have are Elliott, JD, Dr. Cox, Turk, and Carla. TV shows provide this illusion that I have the capability to be in relationships and understand people. Reality is that they are 2-dimensional characters who are playing a part. It is a one-sided relationship in which I get to avoid my problems for 2 hours at a time and get sucked into the lives of people who don't even exist. And I just end up feeling sorry for myself in the end, like I did after a drunken night or violent acting out as a kid.

It is a constant battle in my mind to simultaneously avoid doing things that will destroy me while trying to do things that will build me up and encourage my spirit.

And this is my reminder to hope even when I don't feel like doing anything. David ministered to his spirit and sometimes I need to do the same thing.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:5

I Forgot About Grace

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you."
1 Peter 5:10

Until very recently, I didn't want to be responsible for my life. I wanted to be catered to and treated like the queen I thought I was. I was entitled and looked at what was lacking and how much better I deserved. I thought it was everyone's job to make me feel comfortable. Gratitude wasn't even a blip on my radar growing up. Even though I was taught to say thank you to people as a kid, it didn't sink in when people sacrificed for me that they were giving something up. Everything was about me. And I believed that I deserved all the things people gave me and more. It is taking a DAILY awareness of this to help me realize how much I need God.

I want to believe so badly that I can earn grace, so that I can learn to be perfect and not have to acknowledge my sin. But I can't. That's the point of grace.

The truth is that none of us deserve grace.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."
Ephesians 2:8-9

This is a hard concept for me to grasp on days when I think I'm awesome. I am slowly learning that everything good in me comes from God. 

I have walked around with a chip on my shoulder my whole life and thought that I must be special because God spared me and kept me alive after I tried to destroy myself for years. So I felt special. I was forgetting the part that He didn't have to. He chose to because He loves me and He chose to extend grace because that is His character.

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus."
1 Timothy 1:14

When I get a glimpse of my sin, it makes sense why Jesus had to die - my sin alone would have been too much to bear. Anyone would have been crushed under its weight. When I get a glimpse into my sin and remember my depravity, I am so glad that's not the end of the story. I deserved death and hell and got a new chance instead - grace and forgiveness.

"For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!"
Romans 5:17

Life is becoming SO much more precious now that I'm beginning to see it as a GIFT rather than something I deserve. I am learning that entitlement and gratitude cannot co-exist. And I am just beginning to learn the necessity of DAILY repentance.

Today, I live in His grace. That is a promise that will never ever become untrue. Christ has forgiven me forever, and there is nothing that can take that truth away.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace."
Ephesians 1:7

"But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet."
1 Thessalonians 5:8

My Savior Knight in Shining Armor - Strongholds and Lies

When I was a little girl, and I felt unsafe, I would imagine that a knight in shining armor - a man who loved me and could heal my heart - would be the answer to all my problems. This was my addiction, thinking about my perfect man to right all of my wrongs and make everything right in the world. Whenever I felt upset, I would imagine this movie star life with him - a life where I wouldn't have to worry about money or any other person but my knight. I would be catered to and worshiped, and I would be protected because he was with me and had rescued me. He wasn't actually a person to me. He was an amalgamation of all the handsome men I latched onto in my fantasy world. His appearance wasn't what mattered as much as his heart. He always knew how to respond to me and would drop anything to be with me and save me. Thinking of this knight and this famous life was the number one way that I escaped the pain of the moment. It was my ticket out of whatever hell I was experiencing. It was my way to cope and protect myself. I would be famous and impenetrable - incapable of being hurt again. 

How do lies take shape in our minds? How are strongholds built up? A stronghold is any argument or pretension that "sets itself up against the knowledge of God." (2 Corinthians 10:5 and Beth Moore's Praying God's Word).

 "A stronghold is anything that exalts itself in our minds, 'pretending' to be bigger or more powerful than our God. It steals much of our focus and calls us to feel overpowered....it is something that consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that abundant life is strangled - our callings remain largely unfulfilled and our believing lives are virtually ineffective. Needless to say, these are the enemy's precise goals." 
- Praying God's Word by Beth Moore

Unfortunately, I don't recognize the lies of idolatry until after I have a hysterical episode. Tears can be very healing and very telling. When I can't stop crying and cannot get my mind off of something, I know that my tears are about more than grief. Idols are not easy to kill. Especially ones that have been there since childhood. My mind is weak when I haven't spent time with the Lord, and that is the prime time for these lies to start to re-surface and the enemy to start moving in my mind.

The trouble with strongholds is that they look so much like truth that without daily time spent immersed in the Word (Truth) and in the Lord's presence, they grow from seedlings to oak trees in a small amount of time and can wreak havoc in every area of your life.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
1 Peter 5:8

On the night that I relapsed after 2 and a half years of sobriety back in July, I was listening to the enemy more than I was listening to God. His voice was so slick and suave and it sounded more true to me than the reality of who I am in Christ. He was a serpent whispering in my ear, and I followed his voice right into the bottle.

He used an old fear of mine that was triggered by the end of a relationship - fear of being alone and unwanted, rejected and abandoned. I overheard a male coworker telling another guy that he didn't like girls with tattoos. 

And that was the trigger. I believed that my knight-in-shining armor was lost forever. 

I felt unwanted by Christian men and unwanted by men of the world. I felt hopeless and like the lie of being alone was coming true. And that started off a spewing of lies in my head that were sadly so much more true to me than God's Truth because I hadn't been immersing myself in the Word. Alcohol became the only thing that I could find "hope" in. After that, anything that hurt me that night at work became an excuse for me to take one step towards a drink. A customer irritated me - that was fine because I was going to get drunk. Somebody said something to hurt my feelings - the bottle would fix that.

When an old idol comes back to haunt you, it is hard to get it out of your head if you haven't been actively doing battle by soaking in the Truth of who Jesus is and who you are as a result. The enemy has had me targeted since I was 4 years old. He has tried everything to push me down and keep me from seeing myself through God's eyes. And he is not going to win.

Without Jesus, I get caught up in believing that I can do things on my own. I tell myself that I've got it, and then a week goes by, and I'm feeling drawn towards my old knight-in-shining-armor idea. My escape mechanisms become harder to pinpoint and recognize until the hysteria exposes itself for what it really is - a big fat lie gone out of control. 

The truth is that Jesus is my knight-in-shining-armor. I'd like to say that my mind has completely grasped that concept, but I am only just starting to see this as a lie. He has a lot of work to do in me yet. I have been jumping off the altar and off the "operating table," as a friend likes to say. 

What does it mean to jump off the operating table? It means convincing myself I can do this on my own. It means finding other things to do rather than talk to God. It means believing lies because that's easier and I'm used to them. It means pretending like nothing's wrong. It means HIDING, something that I used to do ALL the time. It means putting my sobriety before Christ.


Here are some more gems of truth from Praying God's Word.

"As long as our minds rehearse the strength of our stronghold more than the strength of our God, we will be impotent. As we pray the Word of God acknowledging His limitless strength and transcendent dominion, Truth will begin to eclipse the lies. We will realize that in our weakness He is strong and that as we bend the knee to His lordship God is more than able to deliver us." 

“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
    and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,    nor will there be one after me.
11 I, even I, am the Lord,
    and apart from me there is no savior.
12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
    I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.
(Isaiah 43:10-12)

Working through strongholds is a process. I wish that in one day I could pray this stuff out of my head but it requires healing over time. I need the help of the prayer team (ask me if you don't know what that is), DAILY time with God, therapy,  church community, prayer, eating, getting enough sleep, and choosing to live out of truth even if it doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping that next time around I spot this lie seed rooted in my mind before it becomes an oak tree.

Real Intimacy

I sat next to a woman on the plane ride from St. Louis to Washington, DC. Barb lost her husband four years ago. She was in her mid-fifties and had a joyous glow about her. I knew that she was a believer even before she pulled out "Jesus Calling" and we had a discussion about it. My Abba put her next to me to encourage me. She had lost her husband unexpectedly and still got up every day to make time for her Abba - at 530 every morning she got up and spent time with Him.

Something broke in me this weekend. I had the opportunity to sin in ways that bound me before. And I chose the healthier path. I chose not to give into temptation, and I chose not to sin. The only way I could have learned that I am not the person I used to be, that I am indeed a new creation, is by the Lord putting me in a situation where I would be forced to make a decision between my flesh and my spirit. I have values and an identity in Christ that keeps me out of the behaviors I engaged in through college.
Up until then, I didn't trust myself. I haven't engaged in some behaviors in almost 2 years, and still I thought I was that person even though that was never who I was! I was behaving out of LIES.

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Galatians 5:24

When I surrendered to Jesus, I was immediately cloaked in righteousness.

I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
Isaiah 61:10

 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
Galatians 3:26 - 27

The Lord is softening my heart in ways I haven't let Him before. I consciously have blocked out His voice at times for fear that He would reject or hurt me. When you have experienced trauma, it is hard to believe that the Lord knocks and asks to be invited in, because there are people who have not been so kind and have forced their way over boundaries. The Lord is not a person, and He respects our boundaries.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:20

We choose to open the door. The Lord never forces His way in. He is a perfect gentleman, and He desires for all of us to be whole and healed. In time, I am learning that He is my rock and support. The Lord has given me the courage and ability to set boundaries to protect myself and others. He is safe and provides a peaceful refuge for our spirit.

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Romans 8:6

Once I realized that I was too exhausted to fight Him any longer about who I am in Christ and how He looks at me, I experienced a freedom. I CAN choose how to behave. I CAN have values and standards. I CAN keep promises to myself. With Jesus, we are no longer slaves to sin. Over and over again I was waking up every day and putting on the same filthy rags, believing the same useless lies about myself, and feeling stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing and breaking promises to myself. Over and over again I tried to prove God wrong. Over and over again I rejected His gift, because I wanted to feel whole. I didn't realize that being whole means having Him! I already am whole because of Him! I need His word to remind me of truth, I need His presence to give me assignments and remind me that He's real even if I can't see Him, I need His voice to guide me and UN-shame me, working me through the process of sanctification. I need to stay in communication with Him so I don't think I can do it on my own, and I need to thank Him so I can remember that HE is much better and more satisfying than the cheap intimacy I discovered in college.

NOTHING can replace intimacy with the Lord. It is what we were created for, and what we ultimately desire. I used to think that this intimacy had to look a certain way - I had to spend 3 hours a night with God and be completely silent. Those times have their place, but I don't believe that's how He created me. I hear Him at work and when I'm on walks, when I'm riding my bike, and sometimes when I'm in the midst of conversation (if I'm really listening hard). I am fortunate to have grown up in the church, because I am reminded of verses that I memorized as a kid. He is not looking for a formulaic way for me to pray to Him. He is not looking for "thees" and "thous" and "Our Father"s. He wants us to turn to Him when we're sad, rejoice with Him when we're happy, and really listen for His voice. I am so glad that my circumstances broke me to the point where I could see the blazing neon arrow pointing me towards Christ, the only One who will truly satisfy my soul.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Matthew 28:20