When I was a little girl, and I felt unsafe, I would imagine that a knight in shining armor - a man who loved me and could heal my heart - would be the answer to all my problems. This was my addiction, thinking about my perfect man to right all of my wrongs and make everything right in the world. Whenever I felt upset, I would imagine this movie star life with him - a life where I wouldn't have to worry about money or any other person but my knight. I would be catered to and worshiped, and I would be protected because he was with me and had rescued me. He wasn't actually a person to me. He was an amalgamation of all the handsome men I latched onto in my fantasy world. His appearance wasn't what mattered as much as his heart. He always knew how to respond to me and would drop anything to be with me and save me. Thinking of this knight and this famous life was the number one way that I escaped the pain of the moment. It was my ticket out of whatever hell I was experiencing. It was my way to cope and protect myself. I would be famous and impenetrable - incapable of being hurt again.
How do lies take shape in our minds? How are strongholds built up? A stronghold is any argument or pretension that "sets itself up against the knowledge of God." (2 Corinthians 10:5 and Beth Moore's Praying God's Word).
"A stronghold is anything that exalts itself in our minds, 'pretending' to be bigger or more powerful than our God. It steals much of our focus and calls us to feel overpowered....it is something that consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that abundant life is strangled - our callings remain largely unfulfilled and our believing lives are virtually ineffective. Needless to say, these are the enemy's precise goals."
- Praying God's Word by Beth Moore
Unfortunately, I don't recognize the lies of idolatry until after I have a hysterical episode. Tears can be very healing and very telling. When I can't stop crying and cannot get my mind off of something, I know that my tears are about more than grief. Idols are not easy to kill. Especially ones that have been there since childhood. My mind is weak when I haven't spent time with the Lord, and that is the prime time for these lies to start to re-surface and the enemy to start moving in my mind.
The trouble with strongholds is that they look so much like truth that without daily time spent immersed in the Word (Truth) and in the Lord's presence, they grow from seedlings to oak trees in a small amount of time and can wreak havoc in every area of your life.
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
1 Peter 5:8
On the night that I relapsed after 2 and a half years of sobriety back in July, I was listening to the enemy more than I was listening to God. His voice was so slick and suave and it sounded more true to me than the reality of who I am in Christ. He was a serpent whispering in my ear, and I followed his voice right into the bottle.
He used an old fear of mine that was triggered by the end of a relationship - fear of being alone and unwanted, rejected and abandoned. I overheard a male coworker telling another guy that he didn't like girls with tattoos.
And that was the trigger. I believed that my knight-in-shining armor was lost forever.
I felt unwanted by Christian men and unwanted by men of the world. I felt hopeless and like the lie of being alone was coming true. And that started off a spewing of lies in my head that were sadly so much more true to me than God's Truth because I hadn't been immersing myself in the Word. Alcohol became the only thing that I could find "hope" in. After that, anything that hurt me that night at work became an excuse for me to take one step towards a drink. A customer irritated me - that was fine because I was going to get drunk. Somebody said something to hurt my feelings - the bottle would fix that.
When an old idol comes back to haunt you, it is hard to get it out of your head if you haven't been actively doing battle by soaking in the Truth of who Jesus is and who you are as a result. The enemy has had me targeted since I was 4 years old. He has tried everything to push me down and keep me from seeing myself through God's eyes. And he is not going to win.
Without Jesus, I get caught up in believing that I can do things on my own. I tell myself that I've got it, and then a week goes by, and I'm feeling drawn towards my old knight-in-shining-armor idea. My escape mechanisms become harder to pinpoint and recognize until the hysteria exposes itself for what it really is - a big fat lie gone out of control.
The truth is that Jesus is my knight-in-shining-armor. I'd like to say that my mind has completely grasped that concept, but I am only just starting to see this as a lie. He has a lot of work to do in me yet. I have been jumping off the altar and off the "operating table," as a friend likes to say.
What does it mean to jump off the operating table? It means convincing myself I can do this on my own. It means finding other things to do rather than talk to God. It means believing lies because that's easier and I'm used to them. It means pretending like nothing's wrong. It means HIDING, something that I used to do ALL the time. It means putting my sobriety before Christ.
Here are some more gems of truth from Praying God's Word.
"As long as our minds rehearse the strength of our stronghold more than the strength of our God, we will be impotent. As we pray the Word of God acknowledging His limitless strength and transcendent dominion, Truth will begin to eclipse the lies. We will realize that in our weakness He is strong and that as we bend the knee to His lordship God is more than able to deliver us."
“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
“and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me.
11 I, even I, am the Lord,
and apart from me there is no savior.
12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.
(Isaiah 43:10-12)
Working through strongholds is a process. I wish that in one day I could pray this stuff out of my head but it requires healing over time. I need the help of the prayer team (ask me if you don't know what that is), DAILY time with God, therapy, church community, prayer, eating, getting enough sleep, and choosing to live out of truth even if it doesn't make sense.
I'm hoping that next time around I spot this lie seed rooted in my mind before it becomes an oak tree.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Real Intimacy
I sat next to a woman on the plane ride from St. Louis to Washington, DC. Barb lost her husband four years ago. She was in her mid-fifties and had a joyous glow about her. I knew that she was a believer even before she pulled out "Jesus Calling" and we had a discussion about it. My Abba put her next to me to encourage me. She had lost her husband unexpectedly and still got up every day to make time for her Abba - at 530 every morning she got up and spent time with Him.
Something broke in me this weekend. I had the opportunity to sin in ways that bound me before. And I chose the healthier path. I chose not to give into temptation, and I chose not to sin. The only way I could have learned that I am not the person I used to be, that I am indeed a new creation, is by the Lord putting me in a situation where I would be forced to make a decision between my flesh and my spirit. I have values and an identity in Christ that keeps me out of the behaviors I engaged in through college.
Up until then, I didn't trust myself. I haven't engaged in some behaviors in almost 2 years, and still I thought I was that person even though that was never who I was! I was behaving out of LIES.
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Galatians 5:24
When I surrendered to Jesus, I was immediately cloaked in righteousness.
I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
Isaiah 61:10
So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
Galatians 3:26 - 27
The Lord is softening my heart in ways I haven't let Him before. I consciously have blocked out His voice at times for fear that He would reject or hurt me. When you have experienced trauma, it is hard to believe that the Lord knocks and asks to be invited in, because there are people who have not been so kind and have forced their way over boundaries. The Lord is not a person, and He respects our boundaries.
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:20
We choose to open the door. The Lord never forces His way in. He is a perfect gentleman, and He desires for all of us to be whole and healed. In time, I am learning that He is my rock and support. The Lord has given me the courage and ability to set boundaries to protect myself and others. He is safe and provides a peaceful refuge for our spirit.
The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Romans 8:6
Once I realized that I was too exhausted to fight Him any longer about who I am in Christ and how He looks at me, I experienced a freedom. I CAN choose how to behave. I CAN have values and standards. I CAN keep promises to myself. With Jesus, we are no longer slaves to sin. Over and over again I was waking up every day and putting on the same filthy rags, believing the same useless lies about myself, and feeling stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing and breaking promises to myself. Over and over again I tried to prove God wrong. Over and over again I rejected His gift, because I wanted to feel whole. I didn't realize that being whole means having Him! I already am whole because of Him! I need His word to remind me of truth, I need His presence to give me assignments and remind me that He's real even if I can't see Him, I need His voice to guide me and UN-shame me, working me through the process of sanctification. I need to stay in communication with Him so I don't think I can do it on my own, and I need to thank Him so I can remember that HE is much better and more satisfying than the cheap intimacy I discovered in college.
NOTHING can replace intimacy with the Lord. It is what we were created for, and what we ultimately desire. I used to think that this intimacy had to look a certain way - I had to spend 3 hours a night with God and be completely silent. Those times have their place, but I don't believe that's how He created me. I hear Him at work and when I'm on walks, when I'm riding my bike, and sometimes when I'm in the midst of conversation (if I'm really listening hard). I am fortunate to have grown up in the church, because I am reminded of verses that I memorized as a kid. He is not looking for a formulaic way for me to pray to Him. He is not looking for "thees" and "thous" and "Our Father"s. He wants us to turn to Him when we're sad, rejoice with Him when we're happy, and really listen for His voice. I am so glad that my circumstances broke me to the point where I could see the blazing neon arrow pointing me towards Christ, the only One who will truly satisfy my soul.
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Matthew 28:20
Something broke in me this weekend. I had the opportunity to sin in ways that bound me before. And I chose the healthier path. I chose not to give into temptation, and I chose not to sin. The only way I could have learned that I am not the person I used to be, that I am indeed a new creation, is by the Lord putting me in a situation where I would be forced to make a decision between my flesh and my spirit. I have values and an identity in Christ that keeps me out of the behaviors I engaged in through college.
Up until then, I didn't trust myself. I haven't engaged in some behaviors in almost 2 years, and still I thought I was that person even though that was never who I was! I was behaving out of LIES.
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Galatians 5:24
When I surrendered to Jesus, I was immediately cloaked in righteousness.
I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
Isaiah 61:10
So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
Galatians 3:26 - 27
The Lord is softening my heart in ways I haven't let Him before. I consciously have blocked out His voice at times for fear that He would reject or hurt me. When you have experienced trauma, it is hard to believe that the Lord knocks and asks to be invited in, because there are people who have not been so kind and have forced their way over boundaries. The Lord is not a person, and He respects our boundaries.
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:20
We choose to open the door. The Lord never forces His way in. He is a perfect gentleman, and He desires for all of us to be whole and healed. In time, I am learning that He is my rock and support. The Lord has given me the courage and ability to set boundaries to protect myself and others. He is safe and provides a peaceful refuge for our spirit.
The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Romans 8:6
Once I realized that I was too exhausted to fight Him any longer about who I am in Christ and how He looks at me, I experienced a freedom. I CAN choose how to behave. I CAN have values and standards. I CAN keep promises to myself. With Jesus, we are no longer slaves to sin. Over and over again I was waking up every day and putting on the same filthy rags, believing the same useless lies about myself, and feeling stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing and breaking promises to myself. Over and over again I tried to prove God wrong. Over and over again I rejected His gift, because I wanted to feel whole. I didn't realize that being whole means having Him! I already am whole because of Him! I need His word to remind me of truth, I need His presence to give me assignments and remind me that He's real even if I can't see Him, I need His voice to guide me and UN-shame me, working me through the process of sanctification. I need to stay in communication with Him so I don't think I can do it on my own, and I need to thank Him so I can remember that HE is much better and more satisfying than the cheap intimacy I discovered in college.
NOTHING can replace intimacy with the Lord. It is what we were created for, and what we ultimately desire. I used to think that this intimacy had to look a certain way - I had to spend 3 hours a night with God and be completely silent. Those times have their place, but I don't believe that's how He created me. I hear Him at work and when I'm on walks, when I'm riding my bike, and sometimes when I'm in the midst of conversation (if I'm really listening hard). I am fortunate to have grown up in the church, because I am reminded of verses that I memorized as a kid. He is not looking for a formulaic way for me to pray to Him. He is not looking for "thees" and "thous" and "Our Father"s. He wants us to turn to Him when we're sad, rejoice with Him when we're happy, and really listen for His voice. I am so glad that my circumstances broke me to the point where I could see the blazing neon arrow pointing me towards Christ, the only One who will truly satisfy my soul.
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Matthew 28:20
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Alcoholism and New Life
I have been sober for 24 days today!
I hadn't had a drink in two and a half years before I relapsed the first time, but I had not been living sober in that period of sobriety. I was living as a dry drunk. I wasn't consistently going to meetings and wasn't completely dedicated to the program. This basically means that I had the thinking patterns of an active alcoholic while not drinking. It's a bus that I don't want to go on again. I was incredibly arrogant because of my belief that I had pulled myself up by my bootstraps to get myself sober. I would say with my mouth how great God was for lifting me out of the pit, meanwhile believing that I was so awesome for doing so myself. I wasn't working on sobriety consistently. I was my own best PR representative - encouraging people to tell me how honest and strong I was while wavering between arrogance and fear that I didn't quite measure up under the surface. A friend told me recently that it's pretty boring to paint with two colors: fear and pride. I love color, and I tend to slip into this black-and-white perspective place. Working on it.
I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease. And though relapsing took some things from me, it was completely necessary to relapse in order to prove to myself that I am, in fact, an alcoholic.
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."
Psalm 119:71
The scary thing about my recent relapse is that both times, I got drunk alone and provided a red carpet entry for the enemy to feed me lies and attack my mind. That is what alcohol does to me. When I was in active drinking and addiction in college, I was mostly surrounded by other people who were also getting drunk save for one time near the end when I got drunk alone. For the first time, I am doing many more healthy things than unhealthy things in my life only by the grace of God. Many people relapse and don't come back. I am very very fortunate to be surrounded by friends who recognize lies when they come spewing out of my mouth.
My alcoholism is not a behavioral problem, it is a thinking problem. I am being "transformed by the renewing of [my] mind in Christ Jesus." (Romans 12:2) It's hard to see when I'm in the middle of it, but I know that I'm healthier even after a month and handling things much differently than before.
For a while, I was unsure of whether it was okay to be in a program that isn't overtly Christian but "spiritual." They help me and they are really increasing my awareness of God and even how He moves in the lives of those who are unaware and don't believe in Him. It is really beautiful to see. I am so grateful for others who are open with their struggles. Here are the promises I can hope for if I stick to my program:
"1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God." (Romans 8:20-21)
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
2 Corinthians 7:10
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. *This is a hard one for me now*
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
Isaiah 26:3
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Isaiah 43:18-19
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. "
I'm working for them, and now I know that I can't do it alone! I haven't yet started working through the steps, but soon I will :)
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
(Hebrews 12:1-2)
For more information about what a "dry drunk" is, go here.
Also, this book is changing my life:
*I am not a saint but a "trusted servant." I am a struggler and a fighter. And I need to remember that it is God working in and through me - it has nothing to do with me but with the gift of new life that He has chosen to give me!
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:13 - 14
I hadn't had a drink in two and a half years before I relapsed the first time, but I had not been living sober in that period of sobriety. I was living as a dry drunk. I wasn't consistently going to meetings and wasn't completely dedicated to the program. This basically means that I had the thinking patterns of an active alcoholic while not drinking. It's a bus that I don't want to go on again. I was incredibly arrogant because of my belief that I had pulled myself up by my bootstraps to get myself sober. I would say with my mouth how great God was for lifting me out of the pit, meanwhile believing that I was so awesome for doing so myself. I wasn't working on sobriety consistently. I was my own best PR representative - encouraging people to tell me how honest and strong I was while wavering between arrogance and fear that I didn't quite measure up under the surface. A friend told me recently that it's pretty boring to paint with two colors: fear and pride. I love color, and I tend to slip into this black-and-white perspective place. Working on it.
I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease. And though relapsing took some things from me, it was completely necessary to relapse in order to prove to myself that I am, in fact, an alcoholic.
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."
Psalm 119:71
The scary thing about my recent relapse is that both times, I got drunk alone and provided a red carpet entry for the enemy to feed me lies and attack my mind. That is what alcohol does to me. When I was in active drinking and addiction in college, I was mostly surrounded by other people who were also getting drunk save for one time near the end when I got drunk alone. For the first time, I am doing many more healthy things than unhealthy things in my life only by the grace of God. Many people relapse and don't come back. I am very very fortunate to be surrounded by friends who recognize lies when they come spewing out of my mouth.
My alcoholism is not a behavioral problem, it is a thinking problem. I am being "transformed by the renewing of [my] mind in Christ Jesus." (Romans 12:2) It's hard to see when I'm in the middle of it, but I know that I'm healthier even after a month and handling things much differently than before.
For a while, I was unsure of whether it was okay to be in a program that isn't overtly Christian but "spiritual." They help me and they are really increasing my awareness of God and even how He moves in the lives of those who are unaware and don't believe in Him. It is really beautiful to see. I am so grateful for others who are open with their struggles. Here are the promises I can hope for if I stick to my program:
"1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God." (Romans 8:20-21)
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
2 Corinthians 7:10
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. *This is a hard one for me now*
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
Isaiah 26:3
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Isaiah 43:18-19
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. "
I'm working for them, and now I know that I can't do it alone! I haven't yet started working through the steps, but soon I will :)
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
(Hebrews 12:1-2)
For more information about what a "dry drunk" is, go here.
Also, this book is changing my life:
*I am not a saint but a "trusted servant." I am a struggler and a fighter. And I need to remember that it is God working in and through me - it has nothing to do with me but with the gift of new life that He has chosen to give me!
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:13 - 14
Empathy
My number one strength is Empathy according to the Strengths Finder test I took in 2012. As a counselor for people in some pretty tough situations, I have to remain present with clients in the moment and process later. Most times it's not the situation that I have to process later but the feelings and personal fears that came up as I was listening. There are a myriad of emotions that I experience in a day. Sometimes I struggle to see this as a strength. I am aware of how people are feeling constantly. With time, I am learning how not to make myself responsible for people's feelings. When they become overwhelming, I turn to my own for comfort and can sometimes get lost in my own feelings in an attempt to disconnect from others' pain.
When someone who is close to me is in pain, I have to experience their pain in pieces. I have a sensitive spirit and have to remind myself to be careful about how I enlist my feelings. If I know something big is coming up emotion-wise, I almost need to ration them to keep from going crazy.
I do see it as a gift sometimes. Recently The Lord has put people on my heart to experience emotion for and pray for. It is really a beautiful thing because I feel like I am connecting with the heart of God in those times. And He sees all of my tears. It is something I can't explain but sometimes I am overwhelmed with an emotion that is not my own. Those times are sweet because it seems like I am crying God's tears for people. And I feel like I have a job to do for people who can't talk about what they're going through and can't express their emotions.
Because I am so sensitive to how other people are feeling, I get bogged down. When I am not spending time with The Lord asking Him to breathe on my gift, I can get in a place where I have to make sure everyone around me feels good so that I can feel good. I manipulate with my words so friends don't rock my already unsteady feelings boat with their own feelings. When I am overwhelmed or stressed, I get so lost in my own feelings that it becomes overwhelming. It helps to surround myself with people who speak positive truth. Otherwise it feels like I am rowing in the dark alone in a cave with bats and snakes.
One of my gifts is also "Restorative," and so I gravitate towards what can be fixed or restored in myself and other people. Since another strength is "Positivity," I see negativity as the thing that needs to be fixed oftentimes. So I mull over my negativity in the cave until I get up and do something else or surround myself with other people to get out of it.
And I need to be around other people to get out of it! It is really cool to me that we all have different strengths and gifts and experience them differently. I believe that anyone's gifts/strengths can be used for selfish gain or to help people. More and more I am trying to use my gifts to help people, and it seems like an even longer process than my recovery!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Pain
When you love
someone
And they're far
away,
And the broken
words
That you used to
say
Hurt so much
That you cannot
speak,
Tears will do
When you're
feeling weak.
When the days that
pass
Seem longer still
'Til you heal from
this
And your spirit's
filled,
You will want to
hide
And shout and
swear
'Cause the pain is
deep
And too much to
bear.
So you must press
on
To the prize
ahead,
Pick up your feet,
'Cause you are not
dead.
Look to Jesus.
He will provide
The strength you
need
To last the night.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Five Minute Friday: Lonely
I am thinking of that Backstreet Boys song, "Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I'm leaving my life in Your hands." This could be describing our relationship with Jesus :)
For years - from about 8 years old until recently, I defined myself by who had a crush on me or didn't. I saw my mother single for 21 years and saw the loneliness that plagued her even when she didn't realize we were aware of it. I saw my grandmother after she lost my grandfather in 2004 and the heartache that came with her loss.
And I know it is possible to be lonely in a crowd of people. I am blessed to be part of a group of people who know me well, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel alone. My greatest sin is the belief that I must be self-sufficient. It feels pretty lonely to have to make some big decisions on my own, to have to pay bills, and keep my head above the water by myself. I know that there are verses in the bible that say that God is always with us. I heard this great verse today on the air:
2 Timothy 4:17 - "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth."
Do I believe this yet? Absolutely not. I hope that I'm moving in a direction where I am okay with feeling lonely, because that means that I have the opportunity to reach out to God in those times. This morning I also heard that song that says "what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're here?...what if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"
Any painful or negative emotion cannot compare with the complete separation from God that comes when we are not in relationship with Him. He already conquered the worst thing - hell and death!
And here is a Relient K lyric that I just got stuck in my head, from "This Week the Trend."
"and this week the trend was to borrow all the strength that you could lend to keep my head above the water and not descend back to where I said I'd never go again"
If you would like to join in, please go to http://lisajobaker.com/2013/08/five-minute-friday-lonely/ !
Also, just for old times sake:
For years - from about 8 years old until recently, I defined myself by who had a crush on me or didn't. I saw my mother single for 21 years and saw the loneliness that plagued her even when she didn't realize we were aware of it. I saw my grandmother after she lost my grandfather in 2004 and the heartache that came with her loss.
And I know it is possible to be lonely in a crowd of people. I am blessed to be part of a group of people who know me well, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel alone. My greatest sin is the belief that I must be self-sufficient. It feels pretty lonely to have to make some big decisions on my own, to have to pay bills, and keep my head above the water by myself. I know that there are verses in the bible that say that God is always with us. I heard this great verse today on the air:
2 Timothy 4:17 - "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth."
Do I believe this yet? Absolutely not. I hope that I'm moving in a direction where I am okay with feeling lonely, because that means that I have the opportunity to reach out to God in those times. This morning I also heard that song that says "what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're here?...what if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"
Any painful or negative emotion cannot compare with the complete separation from God that comes when we are not in relationship with Him. He already conquered the worst thing - hell and death!
And here is a Relient K lyric that I just got stuck in my head, from "This Week the Trend."
"and this week the trend was to borrow all the strength that you could lend to keep my head above the water and not descend back to where I said I'd never go again"
If you would like to join in, please go to http://lisajobaker.com/2013/08/five-minute-friday-lonely/ !
Also, just for old times sake:
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
One Day at a Time
I'm not very good at eating, and then I get in a grumpy mood. I haven't gotten much sleep lately either. I realized today that I have this fear that I will be Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired forever when I get in these moods. What's reality? Today is just one day. The future is none of my business. Only God knows. I like the idea that I am trying to peek at my presents before Christmas. Christmas is of course His omniscience, which I don't have and will only have when I am in heaven.
"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
1 Corinthians 13:1-2
I feel like I have to make up for lost time of not blogging and not having the Internet. I want to watch 11 episodes of Scrubs and as many French films as I have missed. Today wasn't easy, and yet I made healthy decisions. I helped people, and I have someone to apologize to tomorrow. Here's the thing: Every day I get the chance not to be perfect (I am FINALLY getting this) but to CHOOSE to love people in spite of my imperfections. For some people I need a little more encouragement from the Lord to make this decision.
I used to be one of those people who did really super nice things for people at my job and in public but then would treat my family and closest relationships like crap. I would deflect their attention to make them unable to see that really when I got home, I wanted everything to be about me. I say that I used to be that way, because I am growing, and at least that's different from my stagnant blindness in this area before. I was completely convinced that I was either a rotten piece of meat or a goddess deserving of praise. The middle ground has always scared me. Every day, I change my opinion about myself and other people - one day I hate myself, the next day I worship myself, and I have done the same with people. One day I love a person and praise them all over the place, and the next day I despise them. It doesn't always switch by the day, but my opinions are based on my feelings about myself and what I believe I deserve (dung or worship).
My former roommate, Kelly, pointed out something to me the other day that was really enlightening.
Sometimes I identify with my former self in order to escape guilt and shame.
She told me that she saw a change in me, what must have been the stone walls of my heart showing itself through my words, body language, and permanent resolve that I will always be this way (the way that I was). It is extremely painful to look my former sins square in the face and tell them that they don't own me anymore. It hurts to admit that me existed. I am grateful to have people who KNOW me now. I have friends who can see my face and tell when I'm throwing a tantrum or when I'm overwhelmed. For YEARS I was running away from people, afraid that they would catch a glimpse of my heart and shudder. I was afraid that I was like Dorian Gray, who had a spotless exterior but was grotesque on the inside. And do you want to know the truth I'm realizing?
We are all Dorian Gray without Jesus.
None of us are righteous on our own.
"As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one"
Romans 3:10
"We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind."
Isaiah 64:6
You would think that after relapsing, I would realize this. Nope. I am certainly growing in the truth that
In the recovery community, people talk about a Higher Power. I realized tonight that mine is shifting constantly. Sure, I can tell people that my Higher Power is God, but do I really live that way all the time? Do I live that way when people aren't watching? I'm noticing how I operate behind closed doors. The Holy Spirit is so gentle in the way He nudges us into truth. Here's to tomorrow!
"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
1 Corinthians 13:1-2
I feel like I have to make up for lost time of not blogging and not having the Internet. I want to watch 11 episodes of Scrubs and as many French films as I have missed. Today wasn't easy, and yet I made healthy decisions. I helped people, and I have someone to apologize to tomorrow. Here's the thing: Every day I get the chance not to be perfect (I am FINALLY getting this) but to CHOOSE to love people in spite of my imperfections. For some people I need a little more encouragement from the Lord to make this decision.
I used to be one of those people who did really super nice things for people at my job and in public but then would treat my family and closest relationships like crap. I would deflect their attention to make them unable to see that really when I got home, I wanted everything to be about me. I say that I used to be that way, because I am growing, and at least that's different from my stagnant blindness in this area before. I was completely convinced that I was either a rotten piece of meat or a goddess deserving of praise. The middle ground has always scared me. Every day, I change my opinion about myself and other people - one day I hate myself, the next day I worship myself, and I have done the same with people. One day I love a person and praise them all over the place, and the next day I despise them. It doesn't always switch by the day, but my opinions are based on my feelings about myself and what I believe I deserve (dung or worship).
My former roommate, Kelly, pointed out something to me the other day that was really enlightening.
Sometimes I identify with my former self in order to escape guilt and shame.
She told me that she saw a change in me, what must have been the stone walls of my heart showing itself through my words, body language, and permanent resolve that I will always be this way (the way that I was). It is extremely painful to look my former sins square in the face and tell them that they don't own me anymore. It hurts to admit that me existed. I am grateful to have people who KNOW me now. I have friends who can see my face and tell when I'm throwing a tantrum or when I'm overwhelmed. For YEARS I was running away from people, afraid that they would catch a glimpse of my heart and shudder. I was afraid that I was like Dorian Gray, who had a spotless exterior but was grotesque on the inside. And do you want to know the truth I'm realizing?
We are all Dorian Gray without Jesus.
None of us are righteous on our own.
"As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one"
Romans 3:10
"We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind."
Isaiah 64:6
You would think that after relapsing, I would realize this. Nope. I am certainly growing in the truth that
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
But my arrogance is still the biggest issue to tackle. I am writing these things as if they are new philosophies and I'm so smart for understanding. Think again, ego Kristin. Wisdom (spiritual knowledge) comes from the Father, and I would not have access to the Word, the Holy Spirit, and anything good without Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)