One Day at a Time

I'm not very good at eating, and then I get in a grumpy mood. I haven't gotten much sleep lately either. I realized today that I have this fear that I will be Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired forever when I get in these moods. What's reality? Today is just one day. The future is none of my business. Only God knows. I like the idea that I am trying to peek at my presents before Christmas. Christmas is of course His omniscience, which I don't have and will only have when I am in heaven.

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 
1 Corinthians 13:1-2

I feel like I have to make up for lost time of not blogging and not having the Internet. I want to watch 11 episodes of Scrubs and as many French films as I have missed. Today wasn't easy, and yet I made healthy decisions. I helped people, and I have someone to apologize to tomorrow. Here's the thing: Every day I get the chance not to be perfect (I am FINALLY getting this) but to CHOOSE to love people in spite of my imperfections. For some people I need a little more encouragement from the Lord to make this decision.

I used to be one of those people who did really super nice things for people at my job and in public but then would treat my family and closest relationships like crap. I would deflect their attention to make them unable to see that really when I got home, I wanted everything to be about me. I say that I used to be that way, because I am growing, and at least that's different from my stagnant blindness in this area before. I was completely convinced that I was either a rotten piece of meat or a goddess deserving of praise. The middle ground has always scared me. Every day, I change my opinion about myself and other people - one day I hate myself, the next day I worship myself, and I have done the same with people.  One day I love a person and praise them all over the place, and the next day I despise them. It doesn't always switch by the day, but my opinions are based on my feelings about myself and what I believe I deserve (dung or worship).

My former roommate, Kelly, pointed out something to me the other day that was really enlightening.

Sometimes I identify with my former self in order to escape guilt and shame.

She told me that she saw a change in me, what must have been the stone walls of my heart showing itself through my words, body language, and permanent resolve that I will always be this way (the way that I was). It is extremely painful to look my former sins square in the face and tell them that they don't own me anymore. It hurts to admit that me existed. I am grateful to have people who KNOW me now. I have friends who can see my face and tell when I'm throwing a tantrum or when I'm overwhelmed. For YEARS I was running away from people, afraid that they would catch a glimpse of my heart and shudder. I was afraid that I was like Dorian Gray, who had a spotless exterior but was grotesque on the inside. And do you want to know the truth I'm realizing?

We are all Dorian Gray without Jesus.

None of us are righteous on our own.  

"As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one"
Romans 3:10

"We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind."
Isaiah 64:6

You would think that after relapsing, I would realize this. Nope. I am certainly growing in the truth that 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

But my arrogance is still the biggest issue to tackle. I am writing these things as if they are new philosophies and I'm so smart for understanding. Think again, ego Kristin. Wisdom (spiritual knowledge) comes from the Father, and I would not have access to the Word, the Holy Spirit, and anything good without Him. 

In the recovery community, people talk about a Higher Power. I realized tonight that mine is shifting constantly. Sure, I can tell people that my Higher Power is God, but do I really live that way all the time? Do I live that way when people aren't watching? I'm noticing how I operate behind closed doors. The Holy Spirit is so gentle in the way He nudges us into truth. Here's to tomorrow!