I could go on and on about being broken. It seems that there are times in my life where I have felt broken beyond repair and then God shows up. I have grown a lot in the past couple of years, though I am often unable to see it until people point it out. I am reminded of Jeremiah's vision about God molding us on His potter's wheel every day. He uses the same broken, marred pot to make something beautiful, and He just keeps working on us. And then I am reminded of this verse:
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
Psalm 51:17
I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that He loves us, brokenness and all. I want SO BADLY to be able to fix myself, and I've tried for years! I am addicted to alcohol and relationships and my own brokenness so much so that it is hard to let go of these things and just let Him remake me. Healing is more painful than sitting in my own dung (because at least I'm used to it). I want to be more positive but try from my own strength. I want to start admitting my brokenness to the Lord. I want to tell Him that I don't have it altogether. That's humility, and it's the only way He's going to be able to really "fix" me.
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Friday, July 26, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
Five Minute Friday: Belong
For years I felt like I didn't belong. The wounds from my trauma yelled at me and told me that I was different, ugly, broken and could never be repaired. Their yells were louder than the still, small voice of the Lord, that I now realize was nudging me along in truth even in the midst of my brokenness.
I went through college listening to the yells of the enemy and what my wounding told me. I quit drinking afterward and still felt like I didn't belong. Friends moved away and I was left by myself to battle the wounds of my past with vengeance.
And then, God moved. As He always does. I hadn't noticed His voice in years, hadn't felt His presence in too long. He connected me with a group called ThirdPlace, an authentic community of 20-30 somethings and young professionals, people in touch with their brokenness and trying desperately to remember that Jesus gets all of the glory for getting us out of the miry pit. I am so grateful to feel like I belong in a group of misfits, addicts, and imperfect people. It is such a gift to be a mess and still considered God's dearly loved child.
Check out http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/ to find out more about Five Minute Friday, a community of women writers.
I went through college listening to the yells of the enemy and what my wounding told me. I quit drinking afterward and still felt like I didn't belong. Friends moved away and I was left by myself to battle the wounds of my past with vengeance.
And then, God moved. As He always does. I hadn't noticed His voice in years, hadn't felt His presence in too long. He connected me with a group called ThirdPlace, an authentic community of 20-30 somethings and young professionals, people in touch with their brokenness and trying desperately to remember that Jesus gets all of the glory for getting us out of the miry pit. I am so grateful to feel like I belong in a group of misfits, addicts, and imperfect people. It is such a gift to be a mess and still considered God's dearly loved child.
Check out http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/ to find out more about Five Minute Friday, a community of women writers.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Five Minute Friday: Present
To stay in the present means to take whatever's thrown at you and maintain an inner calm and peace throughout. That's what I'm learning now. God is teaching me resiliency. He is teaching me how to trust Him. He is teaching me that my guilt and shame are not too much for Him to take away. He is steady, persistent, and faithful. These are things that I am not. I used to think that living in the present meant doing wild things all the time - live it up and get drunk because you don't know when you're gonna die! When I die, I want to have actually lived. One of my favorite quotes is by Henry David Thoreau. Part of it says that "I wanted to live deep and suck all the marrow out of life." The way to do this is not by doing whatever I want whenever I want. Self-control has always been the hardest virtue for me, and this has affected my health, my relationships, my self-esteem, my peace. There is a way to stay present without going crazy. It involves surrounding myself with stable people and investing in healthy endeavors so that I'm not jumping from task to task with no plan in place. Easier said than done. I am definitely a work in progress.
Check out http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/ to join in the fun :)
Check out http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/ to join in the fun :)
Friday, July 5, 2013
Five Minute Friday: Beautiful
She touched her hair and noted how frayed it had become through the years. The gray was coming out in ways she had never imagined. She looked in the mirror to see an 86-year-old woman who was nearing the end of her life and thrilled for what was to come. Her husband had died years earlier and she remembered when he called her beautiful and longed for another to say the same. She exuded a radiance that pleased her heavenly father.
Jesus calls us beautiful even when we are broken. He longs to show us our favor in His eyes and teach us that His beauty does not come from without but from within. "The unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit" is pleasing to the Lord. How can we attain this beauty? I am learning that it is not the time that we spend with the Lord that matters but the amount of days. This is how we learn what beauty means, by taking it to our father regularly. It is in this pattern of time with Him that character develops.
He convicted me yesterday by telling me that He doesn't want me to define myself as a Christian, but as a follower of Jesus. My anxiety springs up when I believe that my inside beauty is horribly incongruent with my outside. Women love to tell other women how cute they look on the outside, but God sees what's underneath and longs to transform us into the women He wants us to be.
Check it out! http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/ Every Friday, Lisa Jo puts a prompt on her page for women to write about for five minutes.
Jesus calls us beautiful even when we are broken. He longs to show us our favor in His eyes and teach us that His beauty does not come from without but from within. "The unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit" is pleasing to the Lord. How can we attain this beauty? I am learning that it is not the time that we spend with the Lord that matters but the amount of days. This is how we learn what beauty means, by taking it to our father regularly. It is in this pattern of time with Him that character develops.
He convicted me yesterday by telling me that He doesn't want me to define myself as a Christian, but as a follower of Jesus. My anxiety springs up when I believe that my inside beauty is horribly incongruent with my outside. Women love to tell other women how cute they look on the outside, but God sees what's underneath and longs to transform us into the women He wants us to be.
Check it out! http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/ Every Friday, Lisa Jo puts a prompt on her page for women to write about for five minutes.
Identity
God woke me up at 5:00 this morning to tell me that I need to be seeking my purpose and that this is not the season to get married even though everyone around me seems to be getting married. I hope He keeps waking me up early in the morning. The Holy Spirit speaks to me in statements like that sometimes, reminding me when I've gotten off track and need to be moving forward rather than backward. Replacing human approval and affirmation with God's is hard. There is a reason that we put idols in place of God - our sin makes it easier!
I drove by a house today and saw a mom carrying her son away from something. He was wailing and looked very upset. That's how I feel. It is easier to put humans in the place of God because they have lower standards. They can look the other way when we sin and it's easier for them to do so at times. God gets into the nitty gritty and pokes around in the stuff that we were previously unwilling to see or deal with. He has been pointing out my manipulative behavior and how I lead with my emotions and hardly ever think before speaking. Only He knows my heart, and so it's rough hearing that sort of conviction from Him. He points it out in a loving way, but sometimes I just want to lay on the floor and cry about how broken I am. I don't think I will ever understand why He chose to love us. I am working on accepting love rather than trying to prove God wrong. I don't know how I'm working on it. I just know that I'm supposed to be. Nights are the hardest. I become very anxious and wrapped up in my emotions. I hope God keeps waking me up at 5 am.
I drove by a house today and saw a mom carrying her son away from something. He was wailing and looked very upset. That's how I feel. It is easier to put humans in the place of God because they have lower standards. They can look the other way when we sin and it's easier for them to do so at times. God gets into the nitty gritty and pokes around in the stuff that we were previously unwilling to see or deal with. He has been pointing out my manipulative behavior and how I lead with my emotions and hardly ever think before speaking. Only He knows my heart, and so it's rough hearing that sort of conviction from Him. He points it out in a loving way, but sometimes I just want to lay on the floor and cry about how broken I am. I don't think I will ever understand why He chose to love us. I am working on accepting love rather than trying to prove God wrong. I don't know how I'm working on it. I just know that I'm supposed to be. Nights are the hardest. I become very anxious and wrapped up in my emotions. I hope God keeps waking me up at 5 am.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Five Minute Friday: In Between
Today's Prompt: In Between
GO
I'm in that awkward phase of life where marriage is terrifying and I am no longer a child but not yet an adult. Technically, I am an adult because I'm over 18, but it's scary to think about new responsibilities (like myself) at this phase. I was able to get by with acting like a child and then I turned 25 and realized I'm old and can't make excuses any more. And the in between phases are always weird. They say that puberty is the most awkward time and maybe that's true but this is definitely the most painfully aware I have ever been of my brokenness. My friend reminded me today that we have to go through the hard part before we get to the good part - it's kind of like eating an avocado or a pineapple. And I haven't been writing but have instead been expressing my frustrations to God in a sloppy sort of "I-can't-do-this-without-You-anymore" kind of way. The in-betweens are painful because I thrive on extremes and don't know what life would be without the drama. God is teaching me how to be present in each moment and remember Him throughout the day - He who gave me life and my thoughts and overwhelming emotions. It is easier to spend time with Him in the morning and at the end of the day - the middle part gets hard when I get caught up in things and myself and listen to the spoonfuls of lies that the enemy feeds me slowly and then all at once until I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty.
STOP
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GO
I'm in that awkward phase of life where marriage is terrifying and I am no longer a child but not yet an adult. Technically, I am an adult because I'm over 18, but it's scary to think about new responsibilities (like myself) at this phase. I was able to get by with acting like a child and then I turned 25 and realized I'm old and can't make excuses any more. And the in between phases are always weird. They say that puberty is the most awkward time and maybe that's true but this is definitely the most painfully aware I have ever been of my brokenness. My friend reminded me today that we have to go through the hard part before we get to the good part - it's kind of like eating an avocado or a pineapple. And I haven't been writing but have instead been expressing my frustrations to God in a sloppy sort of "I-can't-do-this-without-You-anymore" kind of way. The in-betweens are painful because I thrive on extremes and don't know what life would be without the drama. God is teaching me how to be present in each moment and remember Him throughout the day - He who gave me life and my thoughts and overwhelming emotions. It is easier to spend time with Him in the morning and at the end of the day - the middle part gets hard when I get caught up in things and myself and listen to the spoonfuls of lies that the enemy feeds me slowly and then all at once until I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty.
STOP
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Tuesday, November 13, 2012
A Pack of Cigarettes
I bought a pack of cigarettes the other night. I promised God that I wouldn't smoke after He brought me from Virginia to State College on one tank of gas. And then last Saturday happened. Sometimes a night like that needs to happen in order to remind me that God is sovereign and I'm in charge of less than I think.
Waitressing was horrible - my first table left me $5 on a $75 bill, I missed a snooty table and was chastised for it, then didn't follow specific instructions and was chastised again. I wanted a drink badly, and I wanted the perfect excuse to take one. Working and living in a town where getting drunk is part of the norm is difficult as an alcoholic. Trying to maintain sobriety while not surrounding myself with people who are sober themselves is hard as well. I learned my lesson the hard way, but not quite as hard as I could have learned it. I almost relapsed, and then an angel stepped in. I would like to take all of the credit, but I know that it was the Lord's doing that neither Wegman's nor Weis were open for alcohol sales. I stopped at a bottle shop on my way home that was open, and then I got there and walked in and looked at the choices. I could have slid that door open and gotten some Corona or Bud Light Lime. Instead, an angel stepped in and kept me from opening the door. I had suddenly lost the desire to drink. Maybe it was hearing the loud conversations and drunken speech of those in the bar or maybe it was just that finally getting there made me realize I didn't want what I thought I did.
But I was mad at God. I sat in my car and cried and screamed and cursed at Him for a while. I mocked Him and kicked him with my words because of how horrible my life had been up to this point. Why did I have to be an alcoholic? Why did I have to be different? Why did my mother marry such an awful man who I inherited this gene from?
I told God that if He couldn't keep His promises, I wasn't gonna keep mine either. I decided that if I wasn't going to drink, I would buy a pack of cigarettes. And so I drove to the UniMart with a snotty nose and tear-stained cheeks. It was completely obvious that I had been crying. I got out of the car and started coughing to make it seem like I was sick. I fooled the guy behind the counter, and he told me that smoking probably wasn't good for a cold. I was excited for that first cigarette, though I remembered that I hadn't liked it the last time I had one. It clings to my clothes and makes my breath weird, and then I feel like I have to take a shower immediately afterward.
I walked on the path behind my house. It was silent and cold and perfect. There was no one around. I could sit with my cigarettes and talk with God. I smoked three cigarettes and talked to Him. It was like I was talking to a friend again. I heard Him again. He was in pain because I was in pain. He pointed out that I don't trust who He's put in my life. He pointed out that I put myself first in everything by not allowing people into my pain. He reminded me that I need Him. I need people. I need to let people see me in the midst of struggle, not just afterward. I felt deadened and alive at the same time. It was painful.
I took a shower then got out and realized I need to go back to AA meetings. I can't do this thing alone. I can't stay sober without community, without people who are struggling with the same issues. I can't do this alone. I desperately need people to be with me in this. I can't shoulder the burdens of the world all by myself. I can't be responsible for my pain and her pain and his pain. I can sit with people in it, but I am not God, I am not a Savior for myself or for other people. God showed me how I was putting myself in His place.
I texted my boyfriend, and he took me to a meeting the next day. I smoked my pack of cigarettes again that night - 3 of them. This time, I told Him I would talk and smoke, and then listen. And I heard Him say that He's opening up a new chapter in my life. I was aware of Him in a different way again. I told Him that I just needed those cigarettes until the pack was done. I accidentally lit one from the wrong end in the dark, so that limited how many were left by one. I told Him I just needed this crutch. I couldn't do it without something to help me talk to Him.
I had two cigarettes last night. God asked me why I always have to have something outside of myself to connect and have intimacy with Him or with others. "You have the Holy Spirit within you," He said. "Why can't you connect with that?" I realized He was right, and I didn't feel shame about it like I normally would. My friend Lo always says that shame is not from God. I saw that God wanted me to move towards something greater. I told Him that it wasn't that big of deal, it helped me connect with Him. He told me that wasn't the way to connect with Him. He told me to put those cigarettes in the garbage. I said fine and put them in my garbage, then went to sleep.
I have only been smoking at night. Today, I kept thinking about those cigarettes, and how I could have one when I got home. God gently reminded me that they are in the garbage. Last week, I started throwing things away from my past, negative things that made me think I was one way, when God says I am another. Looking at who I used to be was upsetting - it was literally staring me in the face. So I started purging things I never look at. I haven't emptied my trash can of those things. My cigarettes are in the garbage with those items. God told me that if I pick my cigarettes out of the garbage, I will have to take out everything that is in there. I don't want to do that. I have thought about strategically causing my garbage can to tip so that I don't have to take it out of the garbage - it will have "accidentally" gotten out, and then I can have another cigarette. I still want a cigarette. I shouldn't have one, but I still want one, and so I am trying to figure out tricky ways to get it out of there, ways to convince myself that it's okay for me to have another one.
I know that God had me put those in the garbage can for a reason - He wanted to teach me a lesson about what is garbage. He has been showing me that it's important to have a place for things in our physical lives so that we can find a place for things in our minds and spirits. What garbage are you holding onto? Are you thinking God won't notice that you've taken some of your garbage out and brought it back into your reality? Galatians 5:1 says "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
I pray that God would help all of us sort out what is garbage so that we may notice what is garbage and what is clean.
Waitressing was horrible - my first table left me $5 on a $75 bill, I missed a snooty table and was chastised for it, then didn't follow specific instructions and was chastised again. I wanted a drink badly, and I wanted the perfect excuse to take one. Working and living in a town where getting drunk is part of the norm is difficult as an alcoholic. Trying to maintain sobriety while not surrounding myself with people who are sober themselves is hard as well. I learned my lesson the hard way, but not quite as hard as I could have learned it. I almost relapsed, and then an angel stepped in. I would like to take all of the credit, but I know that it was the Lord's doing that neither Wegman's nor Weis were open for alcohol sales. I stopped at a bottle shop on my way home that was open, and then I got there and walked in and looked at the choices. I could have slid that door open and gotten some Corona or Bud Light Lime. Instead, an angel stepped in and kept me from opening the door. I had suddenly lost the desire to drink. Maybe it was hearing the loud conversations and drunken speech of those in the bar or maybe it was just that finally getting there made me realize I didn't want what I thought I did.
But I was mad at God. I sat in my car and cried and screamed and cursed at Him for a while. I mocked Him and kicked him with my words because of how horrible my life had been up to this point. Why did I have to be an alcoholic? Why did I have to be different? Why did my mother marry such an awful man who I inherited this gene from?
I told God that if He couldn't keep His promises, I wasn't gonna keep mine either. I decided that if I wasn't going to drink, I would buy a pack of cigarettes. And so I drove to the UniMart with a snotty nose and tear-stained cheeks. It was completely obvious that I had been crying. I got out of the car and started coughing to make it seem like I was sick. I fooled the guy behind the counter, and he told me that smoking probably wasn't good for a cold. I was excited for that first cigarette, though I remembered that I hadn't liked it the last time I had one. It clings to my clothes and makes my breath weird, and then I feel like I have to take a shower immediately afterward.
I walked on the path behind my house. It was silent and cold and perfect. There was no one around. I could sit with my cigarettes and talk with God. I smoked three cigarettes and talked to Him. It was like I was talking to a friend again. I heard Him again. He was in pain because I was in pain. He pointed out that I don't trust who He's put in my life. He pointed out that I put myself first in everything by not allowing people into my pain. He reminded me that I need Him. I need people. I need to let people see me in the midst of struggle, not just afterward. I felt deadened and alive at the same time. It was painful.
I took a shower then got out and realized I need to go back to AA meetings. I can't do this thing alone. I can't stay sober without community, without people who are struggling with the same issues. I can't do this alone. I desperately need people to be with me in this. I can't shoulder the burdens of the world all by myself. I can't be responsible for my pain and her pain and his pain. I can sit with people in it, but I am not God, I am not a Savior for myself or for other people. God showed me how I was putting myself in His place.
I texted my boyfriend, and he took me to a meeting the next day. I smoked my pack of cigarettes again that night - 3 of them. This time, I told Him I would talk and smoke, and then listen. And I heard Him say that He's opening up a new chapter in my life. I was aware of Him in a different way again. I told Him that I just needed those cigarettes until the pack was done. I accidentally lit one from the wrong end in the dark, so that limited how many were left by one. I told Him I just needed this crutch. I couldn't do it without something to help me talk to Him.
I had two cigarettes last night. God asked me why I always have to have something outside of myself to connect and have intimacy with Him or with others. "You have the Holy Spirit within you," He said. "Why can't you connect with that?" I realized He was right, and I didn't feel shame about it like I normally would. My friend Lo always says that shame is not from God. I saw that God wanted me to move towards something greater. I told Him that it wasn't that big of deal, it helped me connect with Him. He told me that wasn't the way to connect with Him. He told me to put those cigarettes in the garbage. I said fine and put them in my garbage, then went to sleep.
I have only been smoking at night. Today, I kept thinking about those cigarettes, and how I could have one when I got home. God gently reminded me that they are in the garbage. Last week, I started throwing things away from my past, negative things that made me think I was one way, when God says I am another. Looking at who I used to be was upsetting - it was literally staring me in the face. So I started purging things I never look at. I haven't emptied my trash can of those things. My cigarettes are in the garbage with those items. God told me that if I pick my cigarettes out of the garbage, I will have to take out everything that is in there. I don't want to do that. I have thought about strategically causing my garbage can to tip so that I don't have to take it out of the garbage - it will have "accidentally" gotten out, and then I can have another cigarette. I still want a cigarette. I shouldn't have one, but I still want one, and so I am trying to figure out tricky ways to get it out of there, ways to convince myself that it's okay for me to have another one.
I know that God had me put those in the garbage can for a reason - He wanted to teach me a lesson about what is garbage. He has been showing me that it's important to have a place for things in our physical lives so that we can find a place for things in our minds and spirits. What garbage are you holding onto? Are you thinking God won't notice that you've taken some of your garbage out and brought it back into your reality? Galatians 5:1 says "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
I pray that God would help all of us sort out what is garbage so that we may notice what is garbage and what is clean.
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