Identity

God woke me up at 5:00 this morning to tell me that I need to be seeking my purpose and that this is not the season to get married even though everyone around me seems to be getting married. I hope He keeps waking me up early in the morning. The Holy Spirit speaks to me in statements like that sometimes, reminding me when I've gotten off track and need to be moving forward rather than backward. Replacing human approval and affirmation with God's is hard. There is a reason that we put idols in place of God - our sin makes it easier!

I drove by a house today and saw a mom carrying her son away from something. He was wailing and looked very upset. That's how I feel. It is easier to put humans in the place of God because they have lower standards. They can look the other way when we sin and it's easier for them to do so at times. God gets into the nitty gritty and pokes around in the stuff that we were previously unwilling to see or deal with. He has been pointing out my manipulative behavior and how I lead with my emotions and hardly ever think before speaking. Only He knows my heart, and so it's rough hearing that sort of conviction from Him. He points it out in a loving way, but sometimes I just want to lay on the floor and cry about how broken I am. I don't think I will ever understand why He chose to love us. I am working on accepting love rather than trying to prove God wrong. I don't know how I'm working on it. I just know that I'm supposed to be. Nights are the hardest. I become very anxious and wrapped up in my emotions. I hope God keeps waking me up at 5 am.