Whining

I've decided to stop crying so much and whining. The pain operating table is incredibly painful because I am choosing to do it without any pain medication. It's tough because I have to stare at my wounds and feel the pain at the same time. I want to scream and rage and get drunk and fight and kick and holler and run and tear at my skin and throw things and rip my sins out of myself. 

The crying comes when I feel an overwhelming need to pay penance and think that crying and whining are the only ways to change anything. WRONG. 

Working on changing is the only way to change anything. I am choosing healthy over unhealthy. I am choosing to believe I am who God says I am over the filthy gangrenous pig slop of false lies the enemy throws at me. I am choosing  to believe that my behavior matters to people other than just myself. I am choosing hope over despair. I am choosing to fill myself with Christ because that's the only way to create some semblance of sanity within myself. I am choosing to eat (most of the time), exercise, sleep. I am choosing paths that have not made much sense to me up until now. 

I am giving up this idea that I know myself better than anyone because that's melodious bull shit. I am listening to people who know what truth looks like, sounds like, tastes like. I am being turned upside down and gutted until all that I am filled with is truth. I am working on not treating myself like a piñata that can only give out good things after I've self-sabotaged and figuratively let the enemy beat me with a stick.

Hope already came. His name is Jesus.

And here's some truth that feels so good to acknowledge and let out:

I rely on people for affirmation. It's why I'm nice to people. I don't want to feel bad so I flatter people to make them feel good so that I feel okay about myself. I'm not good. I am working on changing.

Things aren't always what they seem. I have a lot of pride that only God is able to fix. Good behavior can be smoke and mirrors to what's really going on.