No Isolation Zone

God saved me from myself tonight. I was tempted to just sit in my room until bedtime and ruminate. I think murderous thoughts when I'm alone - literally. I imagine that people hate me and think I'm useless. Those feelings are coming from myself. The more I isolate, the more I push people away and that does nothing for my negative feelings. It's funny that my addictions made me more social externally but were slowly destroying my insides. I created this whole other personality when I was drinking and chose to ignore the real me hiding underneath the surface, screaming to get out. There was a time when I thought that who I was when I was drinking was my real self. I thought the same thing about coffee for a time period. But that doesn't make sense. I'm realizing so much that I make excuses for myself ALL THE TIME. What has happened to me does not excuse me. Murderers are not excused for their crimes because they were abused when they were younger. And ya know why? Because there are people who were abused who don't end up being murderers. I get so caught up in who I'm supposed to be because of my survivor status, because I was bullied, that I have completely forgotten who I really am. I am not a survivor of sexual abuse. I am not an alcoholic. I am not a counselor/legal advocate. I am not a direct support professional. I am not a volunteer crisis counselor. I am not a DUI instructor. I AM A CHILD OF GOD. I define myself by my activities so that I don't have to show people who I really am. I think I'm ugly on the inside and out most days. I don't think I have much to offer. But it doesn't matter what I think, because GOD thinks I'm worth something. GOD loved me so much that He died on the cross for me. GOD makes my life meaningful and worthwhile. GOD has a plan for me. I am not who other people say I am. I am not who I say I am. I am who GOD says I am, and He has called me His. I am already a butterfly.