Man. I wish I could use this title more than once. This is from a really good Kirk Franklin song. God keeps pursuing me even when I don't want Him to :) I keep thinking that I am not worth helping, but God showed me tonight that I am so loved and being constantly pursued by Him. I can't explain how or why He chooses to bless me the way that He does, but I love Him for loving me!
Where to begin? I didn't have a bad day at work, but at the end of the day I started thinking about everything that I have to do for Rwanda and this weekend, and I got overwhelmed and had a meltdown. I called Mom crying hysterically, begging her to not let me live the rest of my life this way. On DUI weeks, I work 3 12-hour days in a row. I am thinking of quitting CHC. It is too much to be working human services all the time, and I am ready to move on to something new! I was lucky to be selected as a DUI instructor for this year. I think that this is the right decision for me right now. I am planning on applying to Wings Over Happy Valley, and I just applied to Kimchi Korean Restaurant to work as a server there. I don't know what I would do without CHC. Maybe I will just give up my paid shift and see if Gayle can cut down my shifts to one per week. I understand that other people work for more than 4 hours during the week, but I have a full-time job! It's becoming a burden. I think it's my time to leave, but I want to make sure that I have a plan before I resign. I am really excited for what God has for me. This is a whole new chapter in my life, full of fun and love and community.
I wrote my pastor an email asking him to pray for me and give me some guidance. It is very hard asking for help, because I think that I should have it all together because I'm a human services provider. This is absolutely not the case. I started crying right there at CHC, because I was so overwhelmed by everything when I was writing the email. I think it is hard to be vulnerable with other helping professionals, because I hate pretending like I have it all together but that seems to be the norm. I am always afraid that I will get fired or kicked out if I am real with my struggles in the field. I own up to my mistakes immediately, which is good, but it does not always feel like a free environment.
I left CHC and checked the AA website to see when the next meeting was, and lo and behold, it was in 7 minutes on the same street where my car was parked! That was totally God shouting at me! I went to the meeting still puffy-eyed from crying and met a nice guy on the way in. I went in and was originally going to sit in the back, but then I saw a woman who I recognized from when I was going to meetings in the fall (I haven't been in 4 or 5 months). So I moved up and sat a couple of seats away from her. There were tons of people there, and there was a speaker who did a wonderful job and talked about her sobriety and relapses and the journey of her life. I was very inspired by some of the things that she said. I liked one thing in particular. She said that she has a friend who always tells the truth, and so she is never boring :) I strive to be like that! It's crazy to think that my story can inspire people, because I often don't feel worth it. It's also hard to work at the center, because I feel like I have to stuff my story inside. I want to shout it from the rooftops! God is redeeming my life. I need to spend time in the Word. He has strategically placed people in my life. It's almost scary. I love people in Third Place so deeply that it hurts. Lois has asked me to be a leader, and I feel just so lucky to be valued and appreciated by a group of believers. I just want to give back in any way that I can! My heart is stirred by these people. My world is rocked by God and His grace that re-covers me every day (like a fine piece of upholstery!). I am rocked and shaken by how He is consistently showing me His love.
So I was at this AA meeting, and I cried almost the entire time. At first, my eyes started to well up and I got choked up. I tried to stifle the tears, but they just kept coming out, and I couldn't hide them anymore. I felt so guilty and overwhelmed and like a failure all at the same time. I hadn't been to a meeting in 4 or 5 months, and I realized that I really need to go to meetings. The woman in front of me held my hand for the entire last 20 minutes or so of the meeting. She saw that I was crying and asked me if I was okay. Of course I pretended that I was, but she didn't give up! At first it was embarrassing. I didn't want people to be focused on me! What good am I? Then she grabbed my hand and just held it right there. I had probably wiped my runny nose with that hand, and she held it still. She didn't let go until we clapped for a man who had 19 years of sobriety (that's almost as old as I am). She was steadfast and she was devoted to me. And God told me when I sat behind her that she was going to have an impact. I want her to be my sponsor. After the meeting, a group of beautiful women just rallied around me and encouraged me and blessed me. I told them that I didn't think I was worth their love, and they told me they'd been there. They've been there! They understand what it's like to feel worthless! They told me that they would love me even if I couldn't love myself right then. They gave me their phone numbers. I recognized some of the people that were in the room. Faithful attenders. People who I hadn't seen in months. And they accepted me back, just as if I had never left. I can't even express how much love was shown to me in that moment. And it wasn't about what I could give, because frankly I didn't have much to give in the midst of my blubbering and self-pity. But they cared enough to reach out to me. They didn't let me run out of the room like I wanted to. They didn't let me hide. They loved me right there where I was. They built me up. I can't really express the love that God has shown me over the past few months. I literally am speechless when I think about it.
Third Place is an amazing AMAZING support system. Lo and my life group have been so supportive of my struggle. I am planning on attending AA. If there are women who are capable of such love there who have struggled with addiction like I have, then I want to spend time with them. I was also so encouraged by getting to hang out with some people tonight from ThirdPlace. I had some great conversations with people who are following the Lord with all that they have. Yesica is being obedient to God and moving to California in a short period of time.
After that, I went over to a frat house with some young men from AA. I am afraid of men. I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to interact with just friends. But we had a great time. I brought over the leftover cake and tart from the party I went to before, and there was a bat in the house that we chased around! I was shaking. Bats are scary, and they can fly very quickly. It's a good thing that I don't have hair anymore! And we still don't know where it went. I told the one guy that I hoped the bat didn't end up sleeping next to him haha. Somehow hanging out with them in a completely platonic way reminded me of my Baby Bird. And it felt good to a. leave a frat house sober and b. leave a place with boys that I didn't try and hook up with or even flirt with. It was an incredible experience. I think God is going to bring guy friends into my life in order to learn to trust Him more. I asked Him to please get me out of a situation if I become tempted or anything. On some nights, the sex addiction is stronger than me. Those are the nights when I need to allow God to break down the wall around my heart and sweep up the dirt inside (it gets pretty filthy sometimes). God is so good, and I am so blessed to know Him :)
No comments:
Post a Comment