We Keep Going

I have Matt Nathanson's song, "To the Beat of Our Noisy Hearts" stuck in my head. I'm gonna have to start bringing headphones to work. It completely evades me how people can be organized and get things done promptly. My brain is swarming with thousands of things. I keep expecting to wake up one day and just have my shit together. Apparently it doesn't work that way. I get chills every time I make up a song. I know God has called me to be a songwriter. I'm just scared. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to give up. I think I'm more afraid of giving up than anything. When I was in middle and high school, writing was my way of getting everything out, my way of coping. Until I learn to accept myself at that age and not judge who I was, maybe I won't be able to fully engage myself in writing. I'm too afraid that it won't be good. Addiction stole that from me. It was the best release ever. I wrote incredible poetry, buried in journals and notebooks from way back then. Then I found alcohol and sex and forgot what it was like to have a healthy release. Alcohol can't steal any more from me now. I can't be looking back all the time, but my future is unknown. It's hard to put one foot in front of the other when I feel like I'm walking in the dark. And I love music. I always have a song in my head. It takes a huge risk to number myself among the songwriters and musicians I have so much respect for. I want to hole myself up in my room and write. I just want a break from responsibility. How free life was when I was just a kid. It never felt that way, though. I always felt trapped, like I had to follow rules that these adults made. I wanted to grow up and be independent. Now that I am, I don't like it very much. I guess I just have to suck it up and keep living. I felt the wind tonight and saw the stars. They reminded me that life is such a gift. That's what music does for me. It opens up my soul to receive beauty in a way that I can't when I'm sitting in silence. I have this standard of perfection in myself that I don't know how to fix. I REALLY need to go back to therapy. I can feel the pressure of everything weighing on me, and it is threatening to erupt at any point. I know the things that are healthy for me but don't do them.