Drinking and Sex

My two favorite vices - how did I get so lucky?

I am painfully wanting a drink. It's 12:00 AM on a weekday night and I want a drink.

I slept with someone in AA. It wasn't worth it. I know why people warn against it. It made me feel like shit, and now I want a drink to make it better.

I feel out of control, like my life is completely turning upside down and I have just been along for the ride. I'm not sure how "normal" people deal with this kind of thing, but me - I sleep with someone or drink it away. I loathe myself after doing both of those things, but man what I wouldn't give for a six-pack. They say in AA that the first drink could kill you. I wouldn't doubt it. The way that I want to drink would probably do the trick. Sometimes I want to die. Lately I have felt so powerless to dictate my own life that I just haven't really cared either way.

Jared and I had a breakthrough in my healing from the abuse in my past last night. He's the only guy I trust. He's the only person who I let get that far into my psyche. I feel out of control.

I keep trying to change my circumstances so I won't feel so crazy. The reality is that I have almost no control in my life and that 1. Scares the shit out of me and 2. Makes me kind of angry.

I don't know how to cope in a healthy way. Next on my list is probably starving myself. I've done that before. Not for long. Just long enough for me to forget a little bit about what's going on. I am tense. I don't know how to get out of this rut. I need to paint. If anyone was wondering, painting is perhaps one of the most relaxing ways to get out stress. I don't exactly know what caused me to hit this breaking point. Oh yea - I remember. I slept with someone. And I feel empty. And I feel used. And I never want to do it again. Ever. How am I ever going to have normal intimacy with my husband?

Healthy coping mechanisms:
Pray that God would wrestle my addictions for me every day.
Running
Painting
Blogging
Writing
Crying
Singing

What do I do when I just don't have the strength to fight anymore? When the face I show to the world is beginning to have huge gaping holes in it? I can cover them up for only so long before everyone will start to notice. I am falling apart, at least right now. But just for this second. Already I am starting to feel better, and tomorrow is a new day.